(((El))) Given your description of your relationship with H’s family, I doubt you would “lose” them. But your relationship with them can’t help but change a little…especially if OW sticks around. At the end of the day, if you force them to choose between you and H, they will choose him (assuming he has a decent relationship with them). This is nothing you should take personally. As they say, blood is thicker than water and that is definitely true when it comes to divorce. I am lucky in that my first XH and I parted on really good terms so his family never felt they had to choose between us. I also enjoy a decent relationship with most of second XH’s family (the one’s I had a relationship with in the first place). I think that is key…not making them feel like they have to pick a side.
RE: telling them everything and the reasons why you split. I would go down that road VERY cautiously or not at all. Honestly, I don’t think that would go well over the long term. I really resisted telling people a lot about what happened. They have eyes. I didn’t need to spell things out for them. They know that when a guy leaves his marriage and moves in with another woman that he had an affair. Some people will be totally repulsed by that and others will just shrug their shoulders and not really care too much at the end of the day. Does it change your situation either way? I can guarantee you that if they are upset by it and they voice their opinions to him, it won’t make him more likely to want to try again with you. In fact, it is more likely to have the opposite effect and make him and OW more of a team… an “us against the world” kind of a situation.
Ask yourself this… in two years, when most of this is behind you and you are on more solid ground emotionally, will it be important for you to be able to look back on how things went and be proud of how you carried yourself? I guarantee you that if you take the high road and save your worst thoughts and emotions for your IC or this forum, you won’t regret it. About eight months into my sitch, XH’s cousins commented to me that they were incredibly impressed with how gracefully I was dealing with everything. I did not feel that I was doing that at the time (internally I was still struggling) but now, when I look back on it, I am so proud of how I presented myself to others because it really reflects how I am doing now and I would hate for them to have seen me acting in any other way. DnJ’s mantras really helped me in that regard… “Choose better, not bitter,” and “dignity and grace”. Saying those things over and over really helps in the beginning when everything is still so raw.
Anyway…that’s my best advice. Do with it what you will. (((HUGS)))
