Create the life...

[Elbereth]

I just wanted to say that this is all normal behavior and very common feelings as one grieves the lost of someone. Wonderful things come with it. Their family. Mutual friends. etc. I haven't read your sitch too much... but now would be a great time to give yourself a little grace. All the feelings... ALL OF THEM... are okay.

It is true that most people don't know how to handle divorce... or even death. Please know that when someone says to "get over it".. it's not about you. It's about their inability to handle it or be there for you. Do you have a support system outside of this group? It can be very helpful to have people to speak to about this... including the IC you think you should start back up. My IC gets all of the stuff I don't feel I can't say in front of family and friends (mostly hate and rage)... because she has no judgement.

You don't have to be okay today. You can still want him to care about you These feelings are neither good or bad... they just are. It could be beneficial for you to let them wash over (instead of self criticizing). Know that they will eventually subside.

Thanks. I mentioned to her that it’s very isolating. I don’t have the best support group. It’s interesting that in the beginning, some people seemed supportive, but after they got the scoop on what happened, I stopped hearing from them. My parents are far away and have a very dysfunctional relationship. So I find talking to them drains me even further, especially my mother. The conversations usually are about how she thinks my dad is just like my H and it’s a big whine session for her instead of a time for me to talk about my feelings (unlike me, she has not made any effort to improve her MR). And my brother and his partner have been more helpful towards a friend who’s husband passed away then with me. They tell me I need to stop acting overwhelmed and stressed as people don’t want to be around that, and the I am better off without my H, so why am I still not moving on. They say “you are not the first person to have gone through this” and other dismissive things. I have one close GF nearby that I confide in, and I do have a few other friends that do check in on me on a regular basis, but it’s been very isolating and lonely for me. I know I do need to start IC again. And you are right that they may be the best ones to talk to, where others just don’t have the bandwidth or just don’t get it.

So El, you did well to vent, don't consider what will or won't be briefed to your STBX, you did what was necessary for you and that can only be a good thing.

Relatives and friends will respond to this kind of a situation differently. I made a conscious decision at the start of everything not to let people’s responses bother me one way or the other. Thankfully, the people I really cared about are still in my life and the others have moved on. I wish them well. My life is no less full without them in it.

I agree with Eagle. I wouldn’t worry what does or does not get back to him. I think if his sister cares about you enough to stop by and see how you are doing and you know she is a good person, she will likely be careful about what she says to him.

Eagle, and DejaVu6, I’m still trying to feel it out if I can be totally honest with the in-laws or not. Unfortunately my STBXHs parents are now suffering from dementia. They LOVED me. His mom thanked me all the time for helping her son recover from his XW and her affair (and his XGF right after) and for loving his boys and putting up with his crazy XW. I think she would be so disappointed in him and would have really been supportive of me emotionally. I did speak to his brother and his wife in the beginning, and they are aware of what happened, but they don’t reach out at all to me at all either. Other than some social likes or a small text for a holiday. His sister comes to town sometimes so that is the only reason I’ve seen her. But I don’t hear from her either when she isn’t here. Hell, even my cousin on my dads side who I was very close to has pulled away. It is really hard not to internalize that there is something very wrong with you and that is why your H cheated on you. The way people treat you after makes it feel that way sometimes. It’s so demoralizing. But you are right, I did what felt right in the moment. I was honest with her.

My GF thinks I should be transparent with the family and tell them how lousy he treated me and by not doing that I am ‘holding things inside’. I just don’t see the value in that especially if they are not open to seeing Hs flaws. If I had more support from them maybe I would feel differently, but I don’t, I don’t want to risk pushing them away further by telling them the hard truth about H. Even if I think they are already aware of some of his faults. I did mention that I want to try to visit his parents before they pass (she thinks they would know me but not have all the reasons why), and maybe we could plan a girls weekend around that trip. She seemed excited about that. Maybe that would be an opportunity to open up more. She also offered to come help me when I need to move this Spring.

My parents divorced when I was young, so I did not grow up close to extended family, even though I have a large one. I hardly know many of them. I really fell in love with Hs family…and they are large and very connected. I don’t want to lose them. I’ve grown to love them very much. And I felt I lost my first extended family when I divorced the 1st time. Who I love and consider family is a pretty small circle, so I really don’t want to lose them.

El