Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, OW Affairs MLC? the Lot

[BL42]

AnnKay,

Sorry you're here. That sounds like an awful situation. I'm sure it must be extremelhy stressful. My now ExW was off having an affair while I was caring for our 4yo and 1yo, so that was young, but I'm sure being pregnant while your H has moved out is even more difficult.

Ginger1 had a 6 month old when her husband left for OW. Hopefully she'll weigh in on your thread, and perhaps her or some of the other women on the board will be helpful too.

Your husband is acting very selfishly and immorally, but you're not going to be able to change his mind through logical appeal or moral pressure. Unfortunately your H is going to do what he's going to do and you can't control him. Like LH said, easier said than done, but you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Make sure you're healthy, as is the baby and 3yo.

H 46
W (me) 39
Together 12 years
Married 8 Years
Son 3
6 months pregnant with D
BD early July 2021
finally left 15/09/2021
came back 19/10/2021
left 2nd time 9/01/2022

Help with the timeline...you got pregnant after the first BD and sometime around when he first moved out? Were you actively trying to conceive when you knew he was having an affair?

After BD I went straight to full swing counselling, lawyer consultation, and DB coaching.

That's great. I hope you're keeping it up.

then suddenly, 19 October he came back. I asked him what this meant, and he said, well this will be permanent, he will never do this again and will want to be a family for real this time. He said the baby was a wake up call for him and he realised he wanted to comfort me, make me feel loved and he should be taking care of me.

Don't believe anything he says to you. He may be completely unsure of what he wants himself, or flat out lying.

I had a list of things he needed to do before he came back, including getting new wedding rings, getting counselling and getting psychologist for him.

A good start. What else?

He struggled with depression and had often decided to leave me when he is depressed in the past.

So this is a long-running thing? He's talked about leaving before?

He also assured me he was no longer talking to OW, although was still unwilling to show his phone.

So the phone is always a MAJOR red flag. Now you know for the future. My wife and I always picked up each others phones to answer a call, or take a picture, or show a video to our kids. All of a sudden...

She pretended to be someone else through a spoof account.

Sounds like someone isn't too secure with her "relationship".

All through the week, H was acting funny. I confronted him when he appeared to be texting and he just bursted to confession/guilt tripping me.

They all will flat out lie to you. Even when confronted with mountains of evidence. Many here won't even get a confession...some even have folks denying it even while they're moved out with "a friend". Whatever he confessed to...it's worse in reality.

He said everything from blaming me for being pregnant, that all this mess would not have happened if I just would let him go to begin with (like yeah, the obvious fault of the H cheating on his wife never occured to him).

Did any part of you get pregnant to fix the relationship or "lock him down"? I only ask because from what you've said he's told you he's thought about leaving before, and perhaps you knew he had/was having an affair before you got pregnant? You don't have to answer if you don't want, but you may want to self-reflect on that.

H just turned completely vile

It's extremely common for the spouse having an affair to get angry at and treat the other spouse terribly. Projecting their hurt and pain of their immoral actions onto their spouse.

accusing me of not letting him be with who he wanted to be with

Time to let him. Release him. You can't control him anyway. Don't pressure him. Don't guilt him. Don't emotionally appeal to him. If he wants to be with OW, let him. You can't stop him anyway. Btw...it likely won't end well for the two of them, but unfortunately it might blow up your world in the meantime.

I do not have much support here in Australia as we moved here from England and it is very full on.

Give some thought about where you want to live. It's about to become very complicated. IF you prefer to move back to England for family and friends support, could you? Make sure you speak to an L, preferably one who's had experience with international laws. Once the divorce starts/happens, your H may be back to block that, but maybe now there's a way to maneuver it and maybe H would even let it happen. Don't know...just food for thought. We've had posters from one coutnry living abroad who had complications.

I was so anxious I could not even eat, and being pregnant it took a toll. I ended up having fainting episodes and having to told to rest by doctor

Make sure to take care of yourself, for your sake and the sake of you child and baby.

Hang in there AnnKay...we'll help however we can.