My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

How lovely, a week holiday with your kids; and niece and nephew. You and five teenagers would have been quite a week. Sounds like you all went somewhere, like a resort. Or was it more a road trip? I’m sure it was good food, good times, and good memories crafted.

…it is the intention that they will commute between the 2 countries. No idea why, his kids don't want to see him anymore, so he might as well go live in her homeland.

Why? Because they cannot live together. Their relationship is built upon an unstable foundation of lies and deceit. They are both using the other.

Also the kids don’t want to see him so why stay? Because this has nothing to do with the kids or you. H is running and deciding and following his emotions. Doing whatever feels in the moment to deaden the pain. Absolutely nothing to do with the kids! Or you! If he stays or leaves it’s all about him.

NC really seems to be the solution for me today. It has given me an enormous amount of time to think about the past and the future.

Good for you. It sounds like you have a strong rational perspective on things. Well done.

EXH does not follow the NC rule. He accuses me of taking the children away from him, now threatens to review the entire divorce and child support, says he will take a lawyer, etc.

That’s pretty standard from a person in crisis. H will not keep his word. Like everything else, he is back to being ruled by emotions right now. He agreed to no contact, because at that moment he felt like it. And then, of course he broke his word. My goodness, he had an affair, lied, cheated, and so on. He is not able hold himself accountable or responsible.

Expectations my dear, dial them to zero. H will not meet them. Not for the moment. He is going to do what he is going to do. Regardless of what you and he might agree to.

His accusations and threats of legal review, is H lashing out. I think you have everything set, except the house. It is unlikely H will follow through with his threats. And if he does push that boulder up the legal hilly landscape; it takes consistent effort and there are plenty of opportunities for misstep where it will roll back down. And if he does get this reviewed, a major change is quite unlikely. He is just lashing out. Baiting you. Trying to get you agitated. Be the gray rock.

He now feels that he has really lost everything and wants to manipulate me emotionally, but I won't allow it anymore.

Exactly. Good for you.

Kml regularly talks about the rose-colored glasses, well, I’m taking them off, although very slow but steady. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with EXH was real and intensely beautiful for about 16 years, but now that I have started to talk more with his brother and he has told me a lot about the past (before my time with EXH), it is clear to me that he has become exactly the same person he was in his youth again.

Yes, for a time we all look at our past and feel it a bit rosier than it was. However, we all have pictures and proof of our marriages and can “see” clearly the good and bad. I suspect your 16 years were indeed beautiful. My own marriage was excellent as well for 25 years, and R for 31.

Accept the good and bad, no need to write blame or rewrite the history. Your H, much like my XW, has become who he was long before you knew him. He has become his younger self, seeking his emotional growth from when he was so severely stunted. He (and J) is doing that in a most unhealthy manner. And they don’t realize nor understand the path they are running down.

To me, it’s not that folks have rose coloured glasses for their past, it’s they have to let go their wanted/desired future. We reinforce the past, colour it, in an attempt to keep our imagined future alive.

For example: The past was so great, so the future would have been so great. How can my spouse not see that? They must wake up someday.

That is an untrue equivalence. Yes, very often one’s past, their history is an excellent predictor of future behaviour. However, in emotional crisis, that simply is not true. There is such an extreme shift in the MLCer’s personality. They destroy themselves. They are driven to.

We LBS get caught in our beliefs. Ones that have served us. Ones that are quite valid for most other situations. Yet, as you well know, MLC is not like any other situation. MLCers are near completely emotionally and irrationally driven, with little rational or reasoned direction. In this case, past does not predicate the future.

Indeed remove rose coloured glasses, no need to sully anything though. For there is a risk or trap if not careful. Let go the future directly, not through tarnishing the past. The past is immutable, accept it. The future unknown, let it reveal itself.

I’ve invested enormous time into considering my past and futures as well. (Note, past and futures. Singular and plural. One past. Many possible futures.) Eventually one accepts. Living in the present bring peace. Invest the bulk of your time in the present moment.

Yes, MLC really exists, but just like all personality disorders, crisis situations etc. we cannot help them, as long as the person in question does not want to be helped. Letting go is the only option.

Amen.

Stella's story, and the advice you give her, makes me relive everything from the very beginning, but now I'm obviously much stronger, and I can look at it rationally, which is huge progress.

Acceptance is emotional understanding. Seeing the rational within what at first is chaos.

I now choose resolutely for my own happiness and that of my children, because they too have been the victims for 3 years now of a Father who has let them go through an emotional hell, and a mom who has perhaps approved his behavior for too long, simply because he is not “himself”.

You did fine Eagle. You needed to progress as you did. Have faith. Your path was required, as you walked it, for a grand reason. You’d not be who you are right now, if you walked it differently.

The past is immutable and necessary. Invest into the here and now. Look, hope, plan, and move towards a brighter future.

It won’t always be easy but I want a future again and to have a future I know this is the only way to move forward.

You’ve always had a future. It’s just feels different as you’ve been letting go your wanted imagined future with G.

Stand tall my dear. You are doing great, and have a multitude of possibilities before you. Always have. It’s wonderful to witness you starting to see them.

D