I lurk here and there to see how you all are doing. Happy to see familiar names still improving, and still continuing to give advice.
This board is something else, a rare bastion of genuine support, help and human compassion.
I still don't see myself being of help on the forums here as I almost know too much from my journey. I almost regret working to save my marriage and feel like an idiot for wasting so much time, holding out hope and not being a man of action and ending it right after I caught the EA. For this reason, my help would be pro divorce biased when there is an affair and I don't want to promote divorce.
I'm doing pretty well considering the environment of the world and my state. My kids more importantly are thriving. I never imagined them doing this well. Smart, adorable, get along well. Talk well with other kids and with known adults. All around fun to be around, D5 bringing kindness and S3 bringing humor to the world.
I myself am in a rut. I want to leave the state, and get my kids somewhere less violent and where it better suits my culture however the only way to do that, would be to convince the ex to move Which isnt happening, she keeps her head in the sand as to whats happening around our area.
Alas as my goals seem impossible to achieve, I kind of just do enough to get by, while waiting for an opportunity.
Thats all for now. My main point before venting was to say Hi and thank you vets for continuing to help people going through heartbreak.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Welcome to the "Surviving the Big D" forum. I don't know the details of your sitch but do plan to read through it now. I'll just note your two children are similar age to mine (S6 and D3), so we each must have had pretty young ones at BD/D.
Always good to see people checking in and giving updates - think it's very helpful for others to read the progression over time.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I almost regret working to save my marriage and feel like an idiot for wasting so much time, holding out hope and not being a man of action and ending it right after I caught the EA.
Core I would say 90% of the people here feel the same as you after hindsight.
Originally Posted by Core
I'm doing pretty well considering the environment of the world and my state. My kids more importantly are thriving. I never imagined them doing this well. Smart, adorable, get along well. Talk well with other kids and with known adults. All around fun to be around, D5 bringing kindness and S3 bringing humor to the world.
This is all that is important.
Originally Posted by Core
I myself am in a rut. I want to leave the state, and get my kids somewhere less violent and where it better suits my culture however the only way to do that, would be to convince the ex to move. Which isnt happening, she keeps her head in the sand as to what's happening around our area.
Yeah I am down to 4 years before I can pick up and leave and that seems like a long time.
Originally Posted by Core
Alas as my goals seem impossible to achieve, I kind of just do enough to get by, while waiting for an opportunity.
This does not sound good. Is your body where you want it? Are you good financially? Any new hobbies?
I'm thinking my sitch history has been purged from when the forums updated. Our sitches were similar in alot of ways, although many are. The tend to follow a script. Glad to see the familiar face.
Hi LH,
Very glad to hear from you as well. Probably been close to a year since I hopped on here.
Originally Posted by LH19
Yeah I am down to 4 years before I can pick up and leave and that seems like a long time.
Excellent to have an end in sight, something to work towards and that you may have more peace coming in the future. With the nature of things, and the pace of change, I can completely understand it feeling a long ways out.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Core
Alas as my goals seem impossible to achieve, I kind of just do enough to get by, while waiting for an opportunity.
This does not sound good. Is your body where you want it? Are you good financially? Any new hobbies?
My body is about where I went it, minus blood pressure which I cant seem to beat. I have a good house now. Financially stable at this time thankfully, but the ex on top of the economy eliminated my goal of likely retiring before 65 to 60. Thing is, I don't really care for a new hobby, new goals, to accomplish old goals. Sounds like a form of depression but really I don't see much reason to. Since BD with the Ex, I've been so called red and black pilled to oblivion and I just see so much evil in the world. I don't foresee a pleasant future. The trends going on will lead to amounts of suffering perhaps not experienced in ages and well, with whats seems to come next historically and it all being out of my control, paying off my house, or learning to drum, has little meaning for me. I've been wrong with things before so I'm hoping things turn around. I teach my kids, try to guide them through all the normal hurdles of the past, and all these new unnecessary modern hurdles, I take the take to hold them, play, and that's all that seems worth doing at this moment. Almost like I'm just waiting for something to happen, so I can take action again.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Your last paragraph does not sound good nor healthy. Definitely sounds like a bout of depression with a touch of victimization. Hopefully Ginger or Wayfarer will stop by because they know a lot about depression. I think goals are important even if they are small. Gives you something to get out of bed in the morning. It’s certainly a difficult time to be newly divorced with young kids. I think with time you will start to see positives in the world. You still are very young and could have a second shot at a family if you so choose. Somehow you need to change your mindset.
I just see so much evil in the world. I don't foresee a pleasant future. The trends going on will lead to amounts of suffering perhaps not experienced in ages and well, with whats seems to come next historically and it all being out of my control…
I've been wrong with things before so I'm hoping things turn around. I teach my kids, try to guide them through all the normal hurdles of the past, and all these new unnecessary modern hurdles, I take the take to hold them, play, and that's all that seems worth doing at this moment. Almost like I'm just waiting for something to happen, so I can take action again.
I can very much relate. Im also pretty certain I had very real depression following my D. I know how that felt and this is not even close. The highest stress is that with which you can’t do anything about. The things that have been done and continue to be done to us are so out of our control. Sure there’s the Covid nonsense but it goes way beyond that to men competing against women, obliterating their records all because they’ve decided the bodies they live in are not accurate. SMH. Prices rising out of control, if you can even get the item. Now wars starting, gas prices on the way to record highs while we sit on oil we for sone unknown reason stopped using. It’s craziness. And yes it’s evil.
How can the average person see a pleasant future - especially with things outside our control. It’s not depression it’s reality. That said depression is also hitting record highs, especially for children so if there is a component of depression is there any wonder?
Let’s hope both of us are wrong. Doesn’t seem that way so far.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I think you're right about needing to change the mindset and there are small goals I can strive for to keep any depression at bay.
As far as a family in the future, I've no interest in the women around here and really don't want to set a step family up for the kids. I've yet to really get back on the market, for short term and really don't care to. Difficult at times but life is way more peaceful this way.
Don,
Well said. I agree, especially with "its not depression, its reality". We can acknowledge the things outside our control, and try to mitigate being affected by them however much of this is unavoidable. I hope were wrong but I dont think we are.
Is it depression if new music really is awful, new movies are degenerate, the culture overall doesnt interest you, sports lost what made them fun, games cost a fortune and ship incomplete. I think this is why its really just the kids that I experience joy around, and some classic 50s to 00s music and movies. Rich get richer, we get poorer. Im seeing the cracks, and I dont think any amount of money, relationships, or hobbies can fix it, for I cant unsee the trends.
In good news, I continue to read the good book and it helps, my son is strongly independent and I can see him easily caring for himself in the future, both kids take the time out nearly every day to randomly hug each other, and my daughter is doing in kindergarten what I was learning in 2nd grade, and she doesnt seem overly challenged. I took a chunk out of my mortgage and if inflation doesnt continue at the current rate, I may pay for the place within 15 years and maybe have enough cash to move and buy a place. I also found a top notch supplement and got off of coffee.
How are others around here keeping positive through the dark times we are living in?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Hanging with the kiddos, Working, working out, reading, watching movies, dating, friends and family. Core one thing I learned a long time ago is that you have to have patience. Life is like a game of black Jack, you have good runs and bad runs but neither last forever. Lots of it depends on mindset. There is someone on this board who has a lot of good things going on in there life accept one area. That’s the area she also chooses to focus on so of course they are constantly struggling because they are not focusing on the good things in there life. I always say if your kids and health are good and you have a job you like and a few friends and family you are way ahead of the game.
You’re still early in the process. You will start to see the good again.
Core - I think you sound depressed. And I’m a little concerned, by some of the things you think are signs of a terrible world. New music is terrible and new movies are degenerate? Do you realize how OLD that makes you sound? And do you realize that parents were saying the SAME thing about the classic music and movies YOU like when they were made?
Nobody is making you listen to that music or watch those movies. Why do you care if I do? If you happened to be in the bathroom with my trans son and his full beard you would never notice. I suspect you are overdosing on certain media sources whose entire focus is inducing rage. I suggest you turn them off, and since you are a Christian, devote some of your time to doing the Christ-like thing and help those less fortunate than yourself. You’ll feel better. And if medications haven’t helped you with your depression/anger at the world, consider exercise/sunlight/vitamin D/ SAMe/ B vitamins / whole food diet/ therapy.
As for your financial worries, I recommend Mr Money Mustache and the forums there. May help you see a way to that retirement goal of yours.
And food for thought: “ When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping. Fred Rogers”
