Thanks for the advice and apologies for taking so long to reply.
Def a lot to think about. I can't even imagine long term anything so might just stick to short term dating.
I hardly have anytime what with being in grad school, working full time and being a full time dad to two daughters.
So recent developments and sorry this is a bit long...
My daughter spent a week in hospital and I saw exWW there. Obviously with emergencies, things can change but her attitude did not.
She told me she will "unblock my number" so for a short time we texted about the kids. One morning I was driving my kid to school and she said "Mommy doesn't like it when you talk to her cousin."
I did text exWW to tell her that my keeping in touch with this person has nothing to do with her and wasn't done to spite her or cause problems.
She wrote back and had the nerve to tell me that it hurts her when I talk to her cousin and crosses a boundary. I told her not to talk about herself and boundaries in the same sentence and reminded her that she destroyed my relationship with her sister and another friend of the family.
She responded that I had lost the respect of her sister and another friend even though they were the ones who aided and abetted her adultery and told her to cover her tracks, delete her emails etc.
There was nothing abusive or rude about the texts I send her. Her last text to me was "Good bye"
I told her I would block her again and did. I also blocked her email. The only contact we have is through Google calendar which is solely used for the kids.
Why should I have to lose my existing good relationships with ppl because exWW dug a hole for herself?
Now this cousin of exWW is much older, like 70. She always treats everyone the same and continued to reach out to me and ask me how I am, how are the kids etc. She is close to the kids and is upset that WW doesn't visit her with them.
This cousin always hosted parties at her house (pre pandemic) and would invite the whole family - for July 4th get togethers, New Year's Eve parties etc - in the last two years she realized that no one bothers with her or asks her how she is doing. As a result, she has stopped hosting parties and get togethers. She told me that exWW and her sister don't bother with her and don't stay in touch.
On rare occasions, if I'm in the neighborhood, I'll stop by with the kids so they can still have that contact with family. Obviously I told the cousin that I could no longer attend family events since I am divorced but I'm ok with stopping by to check in on her. Why should the kids be deprived of family?
exWW has not changed her attitude one bit. She is still wayward in every sense. She resents me because I refuse to speak with her and says "you can't make me disappear". She doe not want to accept that things have changed due to her actions. She wants everything to continue as it once was with no consequences of any kind. The fallout from her actions has affected the family and extended family.
I wrote exWW a final email telling her that if you can't take ownership, accountability and responsibility for what you have done, then I want nothing more to do with you and please don't ever contact me again.
I recently read something interesting, that if you start acting friendly and chummy with a wayward, it teaches kids that it's okay for a parent to commit adultery, break up a family because in the end, everyone will be friends again. If I were to go this route I would be disrespecting myself and next thing I would be chummy with OM. Associating with an exWW would be akin to swimming in a pool and expecting to get out without smelling of chlorine.
Sandy was correct when she mentioned waywardness is like a disease that affects everyone around a WW and I don't want to disrespect myself by associating with her.
On a reddit threat it spoke about no contact having an effect - first there is loss of the BS, followed by "loss consciousness" which is awareness the BS has disappeared. Then comes "fault consciousness" which is when the wayward realized that mistakes have been made and a line has been crossed.
Without "loss and fault consciousness" a wayward will never become fully aware of what they have done and the effects it has had.
I'm not doing this to get her back because I don't think I would ever want her back even if she did have a change of heart, but neither will I just accept her decisions and her bad behavior because she still has that very resentful, disrespectful and rebellious attitude towards me.
She keeps saying what she has done is in the past and I should just move on and let it be but I told her I am living in the present with the consequences of what she has done in the past and they will reverberate into the future.
So I maintain no contact with exWW and that's just how I like it. I am slowly rebuilding my life and starting to get back into shape. It's a long process though.
