Yeah, when STBXH pulls these things, I mostly shrug it off. Honestly he has been very quiet and has mostly not engaged. So these moments are few and far between. Which is good for my mental state.
Today I saw his sister who out of all his siblings I felt the most sisterly love from. She lives out of state but was passing through. It was a short and unexpected visit, so I didn’t have a lot of time to mentally prepare. I’ve only seen her or talked to her once since the summer of 2021. Generally, H’s family expressed love towards me but have not really been there for me. A few social messages of support but not a lot. Some of that might be distance (they live in other states) and some of it I am sure is awkward. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Everyone rallies around when someone dies but when your H cheats on you, it sometimes feels like everything thinks “just get over it”. It’s not treated the same way. They have said they love me and I am always family, but when they are not making effort to support you, you still feel untethered.
Anyway, I was nervous because I didn’t want to add more complexity or say or do anything that would push his family further away. I knew I didn’t want to talk much about specifics of MR or any complaints about STBXH. But other than that I wasn’t really sure how to BE. When she asked how I was doing, I said “do you want the sugar coated version or the truth?” and she said she wanted the truth. So I told her honestly, “I’m shattered”. And of course I started to cry. I said it’s been hard. I said I will be okay, but it’s still been very hard to deal with. I said I no longer want to reconcile and that I want the D but the years leading up to the end and the last few years and the situation has still shattered me. And that I am working on it and I know I will get through it. She asked if I have had support, and I was truthful that there has not been enough and I’ve felt very isolated. I mentioned the forum (not by name) and I mentioned the books and the IC I did and probably need to start again. She hugged me and was loving. Said I am always going to be family and that I didn’t deserve what happened. It felt good to be heard and loved. My family is not like her family. Mine is not really helpful in the emotional way. So it has been isolating for me and hard.
But later, after she left, I started to dwell. Like, should I have made it appear that I’m all together and doing fabulous? That I’ve moved on. That I’m super okay. I’m not a good liar so even if I had tried to do this, I’m not sure it would have come off as truth. I also was not all fixed up or anything, so I surely didn’t look fabulous.
A part of me shouldn’t care that STBXH might hear that I am not okay. A part of me feels that after all that he has done, and is still doing, it’s not going to change anything anyway. I don’t want him back anyway. But a part of me also doesn’t want him to have any satisfaction that I’m still hurting after all this time. What ever ego boost that might give him. Then I beat myself up for the thoughts that I am even thinking about him at all.
I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing and hard. I feel so stuck in the muck right now.
El
El,
I just wanted to say that this is all normal behavior and very common feelings as one grieves the lost of someone. Wonderful things come with it. Their family. Mutual friends. etc. I haven't read your sitch too much... but now would be a great time to give yourself a little grace. All the feelings... ALL OF THEM... are okay.
It is true that most people don't know how to handle divorce... or even death. Please know that when someone says to "get over it".. it's not about you. It's about their inability to handle it or be there for you. Do you have a support system outside of this group? It can be very helpful to have people to speak to about this... including the IC you think you should start back up. My IC gets all of the stuff I don't feel I can't say in front of family and friends (mostly hate and rage)... because she has no judgement.
You don't have to be okay today. You can still want him to care about you These feelings are neither good or bad... they just are. It could be beneficial for you to let them wash over (instead of self criticizing). Know that they will eventually subside.
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. ((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
