"We just don't work", "our marriage is toxic", "our communication doesn't work", "I used to be feisty", "I've lost my voice", "I'm only sex to you", "you treat me like a 1950's housewife", "I do everything around here", "You'll never change".

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The most significant turning point was when she had a traumatic childbirth, resulting in a hysterectomy and then after being the breadwinner stopped working and stayed home with the kids immediately thereafter. She also did not go to counseling following that trauma.

That coupled with the fact I double downed at work to makes ends meet began to create a divide.

I later learned that she is an enneagram 9; that type of person is "diplomatic" and struggles to speak their mind. They try to be a peace maker. I didn't know that - so where I grew up being used to speaking up when I needed or wanted something, her style would be to say - "I like that color on that house." - which actually meant "I would like to paint our house that color."
If I replied "Its just okay" - she took that as me saying "No."

So while I was working my tail off, and flailing in the process, trying to exercise my own demons, she was struggling through her trauma and isolation. She found another man to confide in. He helped her rehabilitate from the pregnancy through personal training. He was a stay at home dad. His son was my sons best friend. When I asked her to end that relationship she was furious and said I would regret it.

It was around that time that I began to see a real change in her, or maybe I just started to notice. Hard to say. I was struggling to figure out ways to help her. I called her mom to say that something was wrong and she told me I needed to go get help.

It felt like there was no where to turn. As I saw it, my wife was in the crux of a depression/mid-life crisis. Because of the affair she had become very isolated from all of her friends. The affair led to her not trusting me because she mistakenly believed that I had asked people to follow her around. Trust became a major issue.

And then I think she needed to begin to search for her "why?" Why was her life where it was?

After trying different jobs, and having few other variables she could change, she blamed the marriage. The divorce was the only way she could become happy again.

So she came up with the idea that I had a narcistic personality disorder. She began watching videos on youtube related to getting away from your narcist. She subscribed to newsletters via email and read books. Got an attorney and worked towards the divorce with the support of her mom - the same mom who previously wouldn't help.
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In the marriage, I wasn't perfect. I needed to be more empathetic, I needed to learn to listen better, I needed to help around the house more, I needed to be more sensitive. As a person I needed and still need to work on feeling my emotions. I need to be less competitive and more compassionate. I could write novels on how I could and can continue to improve -- And I was trying and still am. Again, I was no where near perfect. But I have a belief that no one is, and no marriage is, and that the issues you have are the issues you will have, so you might as well stay and get to work.

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So the sad part is I'm not alone. My wife burned many of her relationships - including her sister, who asked her to stop the affair.

I watch her and see how much she breaks down; not just about the marriage, but in regards to her general life, and its very sad for me.

The day after the divorce I sent her a text because her grandmother had died and she had been crying at the divorce proceeding (her grandmother passed afterwards and they weren't that close - had only seen her 4 times in the 15 years we were married).

The text I sent read "I hope you're doing okay. I know its been a tough two days. I didn't mention the divorce to the kids or your grandmother's passing. I know she was tired so i hope she has peace now. I'll pray for your family. Let me know if you need anything."

She replied "Thank you. Honestly, I'm not ok. Yesterday was one of the toughest days of my life. I just feel like I can't keep my head above water with all the sh!t life keeps throwing at me. I don't even have time to process one thing before the next bad thing happens. Appreciate the kind words. I wanted to reach out yesterday but I couldn't find the words and the I got the news about grandma."

I replied "It was a hard day. Words struggle to capture it all."

I don't know what she meant by the sh!t life keeps throwing at her. And I have no idea what she would have reached out to say. That the second time she has sent me a text like that in the last two weeks.
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So LH, I think she is on a search for happiness. She thinks now she can own it and make it happen. And I hope so, for the sake of my kids. I'll admit to some schadenfreude - where a small part of me gets pleasure from seeing her struggle - that "I told you so" part - but overall I would like her to find happiness. I just don't think its in the cards for her unless she stops to do some serious internal work, and in my experience she's not willing to do that.