WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (6)

[BL42]

Forgive the lengthy post, but thought a lot about these comments...

kml,

Could be you're not ready to add the complication of dating - or could just be the pheromones are wrong. Sometimes someone looks great for us on paper but the attraction just isn't there. Maybe just give it time, if you see her in more settings with friends your feelings might change - or you might pick up more obvious red flags.

Good post, lots to think about. I'll give it time and see what happens. As LH says, no rush. Part of it might be she does not have kids and although she's good with kids (works in an elementary school) and has told friends she thinks mine are cute and I'm a great dad, I wonder if anyone without kids can really appreciate how hard it is and actually understand what they'd be getting in to.

Although I'm at a completely different stage of life than you (65, adult children, boyfriend recently died) I imagine we both would be happy right now with someone who we saw occasionally but weren't in a full time relationship with. That's probably WAY easier for me to find than for you in your age bracket. But who knows - another woman whose custody schedule matches up with yours and whose children are her primary focus, might be available for the occsional night out or weekend without kids?

That would be nice, though suspect you're right it's more difficult at my age. I did reach out to two single moms I kind of know who are attractive and good moms and thought might be a good bit, but didn't get interest reciprocated.

Hopefully as the pandemic lifts, those soccer parents will start having parties you could attend where you might meet single women.

Agreed! Wouldn't that be nice (not just the single women but the living life again).

LH19/OnlyBent,

Take your time. I would wait a year if I were you. You have young kids and I think you still need time to process the end of your marriage.

This is the question BL, do you think you have fully processed the end of your marriage yet

Instead of responding immediately, I reflected a good bit on this question last night. The simple answer is I don't know.

I've made a lot of progress certainly. Have I fully processed it? Probably not. But then has anyone have completely healed from such a significant pain? There's always a scar even after it heals, and though that scar fades with time it's never 100% gone.

My neighbor is the epidemy of a quality man...smart, kind, generous, hard working, thoughtful, stable, dependable, good career, great family man...etc. Just about everything you'd want in a father, husband, or neighbor. Two decades ago or more his wife had affairs and split up his family. He was crushed and spinning. Ended up meeting up w/the wife of OM (who happened to be my neighbor). She was also a quality woman and great mother while her husband was running all over town. The two of them ended up getting together, remarrying, and have a wonderful relationship, whereas their Exs did not stay together and bounced around to other people, and her ExH is now in legal trouble for some financials he previously was involved with. Anyway, the point I'm getting at is despite the new great file I know there are still times two decades later when my neighbor has emotions and hurts related to what happened (though few and far between). He's talked to me a little bit about my situation but even more so I just know he empathizes with me and is there to help. I get comfort in knowing he understands what I'm going through and is there if needed.

From the perspective of the five stages of grief...I had some denial at first (thinking it wasn't as serious of an issue and we'd work through it), bargaining (begging and pleading and offering concessions to ExW), certainly a long period of depression after the denial wore off and the bargaining wasn't working. However, I believe I've found acceptance. There is an occasion time or two it seems surreal that I'm divorced when I see a situation much worse than what I perceived mine to be where the couple is together and/or worked through it. But in general I accept I am divorced and am working on making my new normal the best it can be. Where I have been spinning lately is anger at ExW, OM2, and ExMIL - think I've been pretty open and honest about that on my thread - and working through it, though I tend to post more when I have struggles than when things are good (and they mostly are), so maybe that biases things.

In terms of my feelings to ExW, I'm not pining over or longing for for in any way. She's a very physically attractive person and always was, so there are times when I see her when I have that initial feeling, but with the way she betrayed me and lied to me and treated me (and our kids) I'm honestly not attracted to her in any way - more annoyed and repulsed at the need to deal with her, though I do deal with her and am cordial if not friendly in our interactions for the kids' sake. But I have no desire to R, even though I still lament the lost of our nuclear family.

So overall I think I've accepted the divorce & end of my marriage and am working towards making my new normal great, but admittedly need to work on the brief periods of anger I still feel.

Hopefully that makes sense - not sure if others here get that same sense or disagree.

We are on basically the same timeline so curious as to where you are at. Everyone is different of course. I think I have, but then perhaps maybe I didn't love my W as much as I think I did.

Based on what I read I feel Bent is ahead of BL. I think Bent now realizes his marriage wasn't that great and has pretty much moved on. BL I still don't think you are convinced and have moved on.

Not sure how to measure who's "ahead". He's dated decent amount; I haven't. He mentioned recently going out to dinner with his ExW and son, which I'm not ready to do. So he certainly could be a bit ahead of me in the journey. Though I'd say it's not a race and the two of us seemed to have progress fairly well overall considering.

In terms of my marriage I definitely had frustrations at times over SSM and kids nutrition/screen time disagreement so perhaps some resentment built up. Our kids were also young and never slept well so we were tired and not focused on each other as much as we should. But we had a pretty good life IMO and I don't think there's a single marriage or LTR which doesn't have any friction, so overall I thought we were above average. Obviously ExW didn't feel the same and blew things up. I was willing to work on things as soon as she mentioned any major concern, but apparently it was too late at that point. Perhaps I still have some rose colored glasses, don't know, but we didn't fight much and went on vacations and had good family and friend support and great finances a good house and cars and lots of great memories, so definitely didn't seem like a marriage that couldn't be saved and go on to a long happy life together if she was willing. But she wasn't. I've accepted that.

LH19/Ginger1,

Ginger hates to see you emotionally unavailable guys out there taking up her valuable time. BL there is no rush so take your time.

yes LH, is correct. Emotionally available women do get frustrated with emotionally unavailable men in the dating world.

Am I emotionally unavailable? I honestly don't know. Don't think I've had a chance to find out yet, as I've only gone on one date and a hookup 9 months ago. I'm certainly not pining over my Ex and think I could open up to the right person, but perhaps I'm still raw and could use more time - probably won't know for sure until I start going on more dates.

I did date briefly this summer a recently divorced guy with a 3 and a 5 year old and 50:50 custody. I liked him the most out of all my dates, but he wasn’t in a place to date for real.

Sounds like a good guy, but I can certainly relate to how the little ones make it difficult.

I do admire that you have enough self awareness right now to know this is a big change for the little ones that takes adjusting and also that you couldn’t put what you would need to into dating and a relationship.

Thanks :-) I certainly pride myself in being a fantastic father and making the kiddos my priority. That wouldn't surprise anyone pre-BD/D either, though it's even gotten more focus/clarity since (if possible).

It's hard for me to imagine how I'd not make my kids #1 at this point and actually integrate a family. Even though ExW seems to have done that with OM2 it seems like it'd be disruptive for me to do it regardless. Maybe that's my own hang up, but a consideration in dating. Obviously that won't be anytime soon and at this point there's plenty of time to worry about it.

Your time will come, and don’t worry, I’m a rarity and you won’t end up like me. I’m in the 2% of the single after so many years

I think part of my spin is how seemingly quickly and easily ExW merged OM2 into a "one big family family" with my kids and her mom and his sister...etc., whereas I haven't even been out on multiple dates with anyone. I'm sure you empathize therewith your Ex & OW and a 6 month old baby. Feels unfair our Exs just stepped into a new situation so seamlessly.