Scott, Whether you like the pop-psych buzzword or not toxic relationships do exist. I've been in them. Romantic, platonic, familial. I've been on the outside of looking in at all 3 as well. It's isn't popular because it's fun. It's just a word people are finally able to use to identify those horrible relationships that I'm sure everyone has been apart of willingly or unwillingly at some point in their lives.
As far as your definition of marriage, marriage is whatever you want it to be or make of it. And what you believe a marriage to be is a perfectly suitable idea of what a marriage should be. However that idea only functions in an actually functioning marriage. The second one person no longer feels the same way as their partner, your concept of marriage is out the window. And it's a ticking time bomb. Hence "bomb drop." And within that space is where toxicity breeds, unfettered, and wild.
I was raised Catholic. I'm actually a confirmed Catholic although no longer practicing. I know what the annulment paperwork looks like. And you are wasting your time my friend. You have two children together. She's not a drug addict. She didn't beat you or the kids mercilessly. She didn't cheat before you consummated the marriage. She didn't abandon you or the children. She's not in a vegetated state. She's not a criminal. She's not going to be institutionalized for the remainder of her life in any way. Every arch is different and some are more open to annulment than others but where I live you're likelihood of getting that annulment is about as likely as me becoming a priest. If you want to at least try for your own peace of mind, by all means, but IMO it's an exercise in futility. The stringency for which they allow annulment should've been explained to you by someone in your church. You may want to meet with your priest or a deacon or even someone at your Arch before you bother with all that work to see if you're a good candidate for annulment.
Lastly I agree, you will be a better father and partner after this. I can already see changes in your general demeanor. Just keep working on you, and moving forward.
Taz, You're not getting subpoenaed for a Catholic annulment. Under what jurisdiction would they be able to do that? The tribunals aren't a recognized jurisdiction. They just proceed in a court like manner for efficiency and, best guess, pomp and circumstance. It's the Catholic church after all. If they want to talk to you they'll contact you. But a Catholic annulment is incredibly rare. Even now. If your wife requests one, the likelihood of it getting elevated to the point where they even reach out to you it's slim, and it's completely your call if you want to participate or not. I wouldn't worry about it, much less give it a second thought.
BL, I suggest you go back and re-read what I wrote. I said a MR that CANNOT be repaired will become or remain toxic. A MR that doesn't have two people in it willing to work on it isn't a repairable MR. A marriage in which two people are wiling to start over and really dig in and do the work is obviously better for the kids than a divorce. But a D is always better for the kids than two people staying in a crappy marriage for the sake of the kids. The amount of vitriol, anger, angst, and sadness in an irreparable MR is not an environment for kids in the long term. Scott and exW had been in limbo for YEARS. Sustaining that for any longer than they had would've have become an exponentially worse situation for the kids. In any case it's irrelevant if Scott's exW would've changed her mind. She didn't. They are divorced. It's over. He tried. She didn't want to. Now their co-parenting story starts, and their separate lives begin.
Steve, Physical abuse and cheating aren't the only reasons a person can make you miserable. You personally wouldn't be here if that were the case, now would you? I have no idea if Scott wasa good guy to his wife their entire MR. I don't know Scott personally. I only know what Scott tells me, and I wasn't married to Scott. And you don't really know what happened either. In fact even IRL the only people who really, really know what happened are the two people who lived in that MR. However, I do know that there are a lot more valid reasons to want out from a marriage other than cheating and abuse. And that good people are fully capable of making other people miserable, of missing or ignore others needs or becoming so self involved no one else's needs matter.
Being with a person who takes you for granted OR who puts in no effort when you put all the effort in OR person who gives you money and thinks that enough or conversely a person who thinks you're a bank and nothing else OR a person who doesn't recognize the mental and emotional labor load you carry in your household OR a person who emotional manipulates you OR financially abuses you OR thinks you are a sexual vending machine are all pretty awful people to be married to even if they are in every other aspect are good people. I wouldn't want to be married to people like this and neither would you.
WAS/WS are human beings. Whether you like it or not. Whether you believe it or not. They have feelings. They are entitled to their feelings. And more often than not a lot of those feelings are genuine. You can choose to believe that she's some psychotic cheating liar if you want. Scott's given a lot of evidence to the contrary. I choose to believe she was sad and hurting so she cried. I cant possible know what about, or if it was genuine or not, but based on my own life experience I choose to believe they were genuine tears.
