Unfortunately, most LBS that find their way here have already made the mistake of reacting emotionally for weeks and months.
One point stood out to me as I read this. We all know that this is a crisis of the WAS and not the LBS. The LBS can only do things to prevent things from getting worse and more importantly focus on their own healing and moving forward. An LBS could do all the right things and the WAS may not care. On the other hand, an LBS could do all the wrong things and the WAS may choose to R.
Yet, there is a lot of cognitive bias in the forum that suggests that actions an LBS took helped with 'turning around situations'. Success or failure does not mean a particular approach is correct and it is important to remember that when we try to relate others' sitch to our own. More often than not, it is out of the hands of the LBS, which is why most of the advice is on self care and healing.
MLC well said. My point is that if LBS start trying to get really good at DBing from second 1, I think they give themselves the BEST chance of saving their marriage. It is no guarantee, mainly because BD is the culmination of months or years of the WAS getting to the crisis point.
I got lucky in that in 2005 my W when confronted immediately said she didn't want a D. It still took about 2 months before she was willing to really commit back to the marriage in full. And months before I could be sure of that. IN 2017, after moping around for two days (my threads make this point clear by the way) I remembered DBing techniques and started trying to put them into practice. I wasn't perfect at it, but got better as time went on. I can say that the more I embraced her plan of getting a job, getting an apartment, and getting a D, the less she seemed convinced that. And when I would get weak and temp check her, she always defaulted to, yes the plan above was still her plan.
But the key is that DBing is for the LBS, so they can move forward happy and healthy no matter what the WAS ultimately decides. We all come here wanting to save our marriages. We end up realizing we need to save ourselves.....and sometimes the marriage is saved in the process.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
