#19 - Still working through Ring & Piecing

[SteveLW]

While newcomer LBSs do not like to hear "you've been fired by your spouse", it is an important point to make to them. The reason? Because most LBSs react to "I want a divorce" by trying to become super spouse. It is the exact opposite of what the LBS should be doing. And so telling a LBS to stop acting like their WAS husband or wife is important. MLC I do not remember all of the details of your coming here, but my guess is that I or someone else said "your wife has fired you as her husband" because you were trying to save your marriage by becoming the best husband in the world. That can work at some point prior to BD, but once BD rolls around being super husband just doesn't work.

Interesting take on how you reacted to my advice then vs. now. I can relate a big, though by time I came to this form in my situation, I was ready for the 2x4s. While I agree that LBSs come here desperate, hurt, going through the worst time of their lives, I think succinct, blunt, to the point advice is really what they need, whether they want to hear it or not. I don't remember how old you are but I think this "don't tell me what I need to hear" thing is largely generational. As the helicopter parent kids come of age, they are a lot less willing to hear hard truth. Yes you can say things harshly or kindly, and that doesn't always translate through the written word, but saying what needs to be said still has to occur.

All of this has taught me a point that you made though, and that is I have to be careful sharing my own personal beliefs too much because it may not be helpful to the LBS. That longtime posters don't like to hear it is immaterial to me, to be frank. Having a vet here obsess over my view on PAs means nothing to me, I just simply do not care. When a LBS comes to this forum and are letting a WAS walk all over them because they think they can nice them back, and that LBS states that PAs were always a dealbreaker for them, then I am going to continue to remind LBSs that it isn't a good idea to give up on those dealbreakers. It saddens me to see LBWs that have been physically abused, make excuses for that behavior even though they've always said that a single incident of abuse was a dealbreaker for them. Giving up on dealbreakers to a spouse that is completely unrepentant after having broken one teaches that spouse that is ok to ignore the LBS's dealbreakers. That is not setting up for the future R that the LBS SHOULD want to have.

Thanks for the thoughtful response though MLC. I obviously do not agree with all of it, but it is nice to hear other's perspectives.