Last week on Monday suddenly got a message from EXH that he changed his return flight from Tuesday to Thursday and that he was coming to the house as from this Monday (tomorrow) and stay until Friday since we are away on holiday. (me and the kids are away for a mid-week). During that week he will pack his stuff and take it to the rental house which he rented short term.
I told him briefly that this was OK but we agreed to have no contact unless business so that I assumed he had a solution to stay somewhere between the Thursday of his arrival and this Monday. He actually wanted to come back home and live again under one roof for those days... When I told him this was not what we agreed before he left and that this was not possible he of course replied with anger so I didn't answer anymore.
Since then complete silence.
As you know EXH had very limited contact with his relatives for years now and he was very angry towards his M. Yesterday my SIL called to ask me what is going on with him. I told her I didn't know since I went NC with him. She told me he started contacting everybody again (except for his Father) and even invited his Mother to a restaurant and slept at her house yesterday evening.
She told me he is acting as if nothing happened and she couldn't understand why he was going to his M all of a sudden.
Everybody in the family knows what is going on with EXH and they all know he is far off the rails. Only MIL still tries to live up to his crazy behavior.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a loop. This has happened exactely one year ago as well. I know I shouldn't bother anymore, he is not my problem anymore but somehow this still affects me big time. I know it won't last long but still, after 3 years I would think this would be totally over by now.
The thing is I can't help it making up stories about why he is going to his M again whilst just 3 weeks ago he told me he doesn't want to see her anymore. He only uses his M when he wants the whole family to know something about him. So he simply tells her because he knows she will tell it to the family. (she is known as the scandalmonger of the family, she can't keep secrets at all, everything she knows she will bring out to other people)
The story in my head is now that he is back together with OW2 and he will bring her over to our home country and live with her here and that what is what he wanted to tell his M so she could tell the whole family.
They are all seeing each other this afternoon, (not ex. H) so she told me she will hear the story from MIL then and she would contact me afterwards. I really want to know as otherwise it will keep me anxious since I don't know the truth at the moment.
Yes, I know it is not in my control and he can do whatever he wants but that doesn't mean the pain is not there anymore...
Hang in there. None of this is easy. It is so hard knowing that none of it is in your control and it’s very stressful to have to deal with his crazy because of the family connections. It is in some ways impossible to go no contact completely when you have the family in the mix (including shared children).
You mentioned that all of this is sort of a repeat of a year ago. How long did any of it drag on that time? What type of results came from it? What was the worst that can happen this time and once you think about that, what parts of those scenarios can you manage? What good can come of it if any, for you or your kids? How might you deal with something you expect to happen?
When I am feeling very anxious, I try to imagine the worst case scenarios and then come up with ways that I would deal with those scenarios. I usually find that even if the scenarios are generally bad, usually, they are not as bad as I imagine them to be…that there is always something there that will make it easier/better/not the end of the world. I know it’s still hard to do this. I still struggle. But I have to admit that imagining how I will deal with something makes it a lot less scary. There might be some positive things that could happen. Thinking about these scenarios and what how they might affect you are also worth doing. Like maybe he won’t be bothering to try to stay at your place anymore (making NC might get easier), or he might get himself in a more stable place and act better towards the kids, or other such things. It’s hard for me to guess in your situation.
Anyway, I hope this suggestion at the very least helps you feel less anxious or stressed about it.
((Eagle))
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Great job sticking to your boundary. You definitely do not need H living under your roof for a few days.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
The thing is I can't help it making up stories about why he is going to his M again whilst just 3 weeks ago he told me he doesn't want to see her anymore.
We all work to rationalize; the creating stories to fit the few facts and fictions we hear. Let it be. Not your monkey, not your circus. Answers do reveal themselves in time. And usually when we are calm and at peace.
Oh, by the way, a gal for whom English is a second language and uses “whilst”, gets top marks in my books.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I really want to know as otherwise it will keep me anxious since I don't know the truth at the moment.
Yes, fretting over the future or unknown things encourages and reinforces feelings of being anxious. Live the present. Deal with the present. Let the future unveil as it happens.
You are making and keeping yourself anxious. Not knowing is ok. Hard to accept, sure. Yet ok. Just got to roll with it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you, Bttrfly, El and DnJ for your encouraging words. It means so much to me that I can always come here to express my words and feelings.
I have just spent a lovely week with my 3 children and another niece and nephew who also came along on a mid-week holiday.
As I already sensed, EXH and OW2 are indeed back together and she will soon be moving to her homeland, which is actually very close to our country. Through SIL I found out that it is the intention that they will commute between the 2 countries. No idea why, his kids don't want to see him anymore, so he might as well go live in her homeland. He has no business here anymore.
NC really seems to be the solution for me today. It has given me an enormous amount of time to think about the past and the future.
EXH does not follow the NC rule. He accuses me of taking the children away from him, now threatens to review the entire divorce and child support, says he will take a lawyer, etc.
He now feels that he has really lost everything and wants to manipulate me emotionally, but I won't allow it anymore.
I have given one more response, something specific about the children, but otherwise I don’t react anymore. And now I really realize I'm doing the right thing.
Kml regularly talks about the rose-colored glasses, well, I’m taking them off, although very slow but steady. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with EXH was real and intensely beautiful for about 16 years, but now that I have started to talk more with his brother and he has told me a lot about the past (before my time with EXH), it is clear to me that he has become exactly the same person he was in his youth again.
I've also given him the safe-conduct "too" long in recent years and used his MLC illness as an excuse to let me be treated as his back-up plan and I will never, ever allow this again.
Yes, MLC really exists, but just like all personality disorders, crisis situations etc. we cannot help them, as long as the person in question does not want to be helped. Letting go is the only option.
Stella's story, and the advice you give her, makes me relive everything from the very beginning, but now I'm obviously much stronger, and I can look at it rationally, which is huge progress.
Now it feels good to let him go completely, I won't be his safety net anymore. I've done this several times over the past 3 years but now he's on his own.
I now choose resolutely for my own happiness and that of my children, because they too have been the victims for 3 years now of a Father who has let them go through an emotional hell, and a mom who has perhaps approved his behavior for too long, simply because he is not “himself”.
I'm more and more convinced that he might just want to be this person from his youth again, and that's a person I'd rather have nothing to do with.
It won’t always be easy but I want a future again and to have a future I know this is the only way to move forward.
I’m really sorry to hear about the recent developments in your story.
A couple things I want to touch on:
First NC is for you. You can’t control if your husband contacts you. You can control how you react it and you can control the method.
I’m going to be honest here and this may sting a little. I do not believe you were ever the backup plan. Most LBS are not. He has been nothing but honest with you in the process but you chose not to listen to him saying oh that’s the MLC talking. That’s why IMO this board can get people stuck.
Lastly I’m curious I read on Stella’s thread you told her to listen to the people on here because they are giving her great advice. Then you basically tell her to ignore it until she’s ready. Why would you tell her that knowing how much more pain she will likely go through?
Eagle, I’m really sorry to hear about the recent developments in your story.
Don’t be sorry. If you read my whole thread and you see where I come from, I’m proud of the current state I’m in and the way I’m moving forward now.
Originally Posted by LH19
First NC is for you. You can’t control if your husband contacts you. You can control how you react it and you can control the method.
I’m sorry LH, but if you’ve read my thread we made an agreement a couple of weeks ago to go NC, except for business. I initiated, he agreed. Thought it was best for the both of us. He doesn’t keep his promise. I do. I’m in control. So don’t know why you make this statement to me.
Originally Posted by LH19
I’m going to be honest here and this may sting a little. I do not believe you were ever the backup plan. Most LBS are not. He has been nothing but honest with you in the process but you chose not to listen to him saying oh that’s the MLC talking. That’s why IMO this board can get people stuck.
You can be honest to me but I will not follow you in this statement. If you’ve read my whole story from the beginning you would understand what I wanted to say with this sentence.
Originally Posted by LH19
Lastly I’m curious I read on Stella’s thread you told her to listen to the people on here because they are giving her great advice. Then you basically tell her to ignore it until she’s ready. Why would you tell her that knowing how much more pain she will likely go through?
I don’t tell her to ignore it. I tell her to take it with her in the process she is going through. I don’t know how it felt for you but I know many, when they got the advice, they don’t want to follow all of it, or do it step by step, simply because they are not ready yet. And that’s ok. You need to do it at your own pace. Pressure is not a good way to act either. Some of them can do this fairly quick, I remember El took on the advice quickly, but that doesn’t mean that the pain is less of will go away. All I said to her, do what you feel is right for you, since you are the most important person in this process now. That’s all.
Ok so you got married I’m assuming had vows and he broke the vows and you didn’t. You can’t control what he did. You made an agreement for NC because YOU felt it was best for both you. He agreed and broke the agreement. You can’t control that. I will say it again, you can’t control ANYTHING he does only how you react to it.
I have followed your story from the beginning. IMO your biggest struggle was better boundaries for you and your children.
For the record I do believe that everyone here typically learns the hard way. We try to minimize the pain as much as possible. I was just curious why after everything you went through why you would tell Stella to do things when she’s ready. Some people are never ready and end up stuck here for years. Enforcing boundaries are hard but the quicker you do it the faster you see results.
You are going to be fine Eagle I think you have finally had enough.
For the record I do believe that everyone here typically learns the hard way. We try to minimize the pain as much as possible. I was just curious why after everything you went through why you would tell Stella to do things when she’s ready. Some people are never ready and end up stuck here for years. Enforcing boundaries are hard but the quicker you do it the faster you see results.
You are going to be fine Eagle I think you have finally had enough.
I'm not sure I agree with the implication of the 'typically learns the hard way' statement, and here's why. This is a Divorce Busting website. Presumably we all came here to try to save our marriages. I know I did. I speak only for myself when I say that it's very difficult to re-train yourself after half a lifetime of being with someone, caring for them, factoring their needs into the needs of the family. Suddenly I had to put myself first, when I'd spent 26 years putting our relationship first. Really hard to switch that up on a dime. So, you can call it learning the hard way. I call it unwinding from the relationship and learning how to put myself first again. Takes time. Takes practice. No pain, no gain.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
