I am definitely on the mend. Still feeling down and stuck though. I did buy a book on that was mentioned on Stella’s sitch… The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and I am reading it. I do feel strongly that there is some feelings or trauma that I have yet to face. And the shutting down feelings are my trying to protect myself. Of course it could also just be exhaustion. Haha. I am hoping that this book helps to bring me closer to healing than many of the others I have read. I also purchased the workbook. Considering my mom divorced when I was young, we moved a lot after she remarried and I currently do not have a relationship with my bio dad, I am beginning to feel that I have some of those past trauma’s to work through. Maybe my fear of abandonment contributed to my putting up with how poorly I was treated by my H. Anyway, and angle of my life I have not really dug into until now.
I had a strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I was in my old house, but the upper floors had collapsed down onto the lower levels. I was in the basement, but this basement had things that I wanted to save. I was in there trying to figure out what to keep and save. I felt super anxious and overwhelmed. I knew the floor above could crash down on me any moment, but all I could do was keep packing. It’s probably my brains way of trying to deal with all the decisions, changes, stressors that I am still dealing with. But I woke up feeling very unnerved. And I need to go through and get rid of more of my stuff, because I will moving into a smaller apartment. I know I am so exhausted from dealing with all my stuff, but I don’t want to get rid of it all either. I’ve lost my life and my future, so losing my stuff as well feels very overwhelming. And frustrating.
I had to speak on the phone with my H yesterday as there was a complicated problem I had to have his help with for something for our son. His voice still gets me. We had to do a FaceTime so I could show him something and I did not share my face. I used the front facing camera and after that I clicked off of FaceTime, but H continued to show his face. I turned the phone away so I would not have to look at him. He tried chatting about the kids and about Ukraine. I tried to end the convo. It was very awkward.
Afterward he sent some info I asked for about our other son…and again included a picture of them together. Again I say as he had sent me a bunch of pictures of our son graduating from a training in which one of the pictures included him with our son together. To send me another picture of the two of them together was sort of annoying. Just like the other pic, I zoomed in to our son and cropped H out of the shot, then added that to my album. H looked like sh#t anyway. Ha
Why do they do that? I know I shouldn’t put any thought into it, but after all I have been through, it still feels manipulative. I’m just so ready for the D to be over. My L thinks it might take another 60 days. I will need to figure out health insurance as I will lose that with the D.
Anyway, thanks for listening and checking in on me.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
