Husband MLc need help#3

[DnJ]

Hello Stella

I understand what you’re feeling. Lots of these suggestions are counterintuitive and will feel like the wrong thing to do, it is not. (((Hugs)))

No contact is for you. It’s not to wake up H. It’s for your mental and emotional health.

I used to be such a strong confident women, this is wrecking me. My head gets it, my heart doesn't want to let go. But I have to stop this, I can not continue to feel like this, it is breaking me.

We all start in an emotional feedback loop which reinforces our hurting feelings. It is difficult to let go of our spouse. To let go “the dream”. Do place your focus upon you. This is critical for you to influence your feelings. You do control your thoughts, and can influence your feelings and beliefs - influence your heart and soul.

We do break somewhat during this process. It hurts. It wrecks us. And it is a blessing, if you make it so. You can, will, examine which pieces you reassemble and which you discard. Become the strong confident woman, even more so. Become the best version of you.

I know I have to let go of who I thought he was.

Actually, you need to let go of who you think he is right now. Who he was, is just that - who he was. MLCers become the opposite of who they once were. You have proof right before you. The alien guy looks like H, sounds like H, even has mannerisms like H, yet he is so much different. Your mind and heart are just struggling to accept what they see and hear.

These crisis people bring up wild justification for their new narrative. My XW blamed me for the furnace blowing cool air on her. For my work truck burning too much gas, while she was trying to save the planet. (My personal vehicle is a Prius, but no matter to her. ) And so on. And yes, having XW say this while sounding like J was hard to figure out at first.

You do not need to let go of past H. The past is immutable. You shared a life together. It was even a wonderful life. Just set that aside for now. Place it in storage for a while. Cherish it. Do not dwell upon the past, nor go for strolls down memory lane - it is far to easy to get lost, and you will reinforce emotions and thoughts you do not want to reinforce right now. Don’t worry, you won’t forget, or loose anything you don’t want to. I promise.

I have a question for you. Do you feel more anxious or depressed?

Although he says, " I am the same person I have always been:...then he is nice to me and talks to me about what our friends are up to..why??? why be nice, why talk to me about these things? And then blow up and start spewing stuff that came out of him over this last summer??? I cant take all of the mixed messages anymore.

If I may, you are anxious.

Anxiety comes from living / focusing / worrying on the future. Depression comes from dwelling upon the past. Peace comes from living in the present.

It’s not past H you need to let go of right now - it’s your future. It’s that dream. It’s letting go who you want H to be, and accepting who he is right now.

Once you let go the future, your anxiety will turn to depressions as your focus turns to the past. This is a normal and needed part of the healing process.

When my wife left, I lost my bright future. It was ripped away. I would never experience a 60th wedding anniversary, not have a loving wife beside me during the weddings of our children, not be on the same speaker call when we hear about the birth of our first grandchild. Retirement plans, grandkids, vacations, etc. All destroyed. I was sad and distraught. On top of that loss, my impending doom of a divorce loomed. Oh, I was such a bundle of anxiety, adrenaline, and nerves; with a splash of depression just to mix and stir and darken everything.

Once I accepted that my planned wonderful future life was over. My attention, turned to my past. As one accepts the loss of their imagined planed future, it affects our past. We “feel” it deleting. Never again, to walk hand in hand with J, to hear her laugh, to be her most special man, etc. Never will I get to dance with her again, nor travel and talk for hours, nor be a family again.

Depression is a dark stage of grief. Full of feelings of absolutes and negatives.

Once I worked and walked through that, life bloomed again. My purposefully kept squishy heart began to feel and love, far more than I felt it was even possible during the grief and loss. Bird sang again. Color exploded in the world again. My past returned. Without pain. All the cherished memories. My immutable past does not haunt me; it is actually up lifting.

My future exists again. Yes, it is not the one I had planned. Nor is it something I fret over. My divorce was finalized years ago, and provided me a stable solid foundation. And I crafted from there. I find my future plans are not firmly envisioned, a more general idea.

Acceptance, peace and contentment, letting go and accepting of a lost future, accepting and remembering an unchangeable past, does happen.

There are plenty of milestones along the path. In my view, you are currently working to let go of your still held future. Detachment and indifference are coming.

Be patient and focus on you.

D