So when I read your updates I get the sense by your almost clinical talk you dug deep to understand what went wrong in your marriage. For that you should be applauded.
However, (yes I know however negates everything I said above) you know these two men are unavailable for a healthy relationship but you make excuses for being available to then for their sexual pleasure. You are just kicking the can down the road. I don’t think you ever grieved your marriage because you were hyper focused on getting your H back. Like you’ve indicated, you are not getting any younger. How much more do you want to chase these dead ends?
As for your Exh, he sounds like the same ahole he always was in the past. Still cheating, still disregarding your feelings. So he quit smoking and didn’t road rage one day. Wow!
Enjoy your trip and really think about how you want to live the rest of your life.
I hear what you are saying.
Please keep in mind that I am NOT having sex with pilot. I put in a boundary and I stuck with it. Would I have slept with him if he had been acting like an adult, worked out our miscommunication and treated me in a way that felt like he was hearing my needs? Yes, eventually I would have.
But, that's not what happened therefore, I did not remove my boundary.
Timing is just crap right now.
I'm left to sit with the whole situation. Why on earth would he reproach me now that I'm D if he was just wanting a hook up? I mean I was legally separated but he walked because I was not D. If I'm just a hook up/sex why that line in the sand? I will admit in the beginning I did have expectations when he started texting again now that I was D. I was thinking more in line of an LTR. But, there were red flags. Tiny ones. Ones that by themselves aren't deal breakers but at this point I have a quite a collection and I am left scratching my head on this one.
I've walked away. I've got things to sort in my head and unlike last time I am not chasing him.
As for my XH - yesterday wiped me out emotionally. It wasn't good or bad. It wasn't one thing or another. It was like peeling an onion and getting to the next layer. That next emotional layer. It was like he almost got a point where he was choosing me because things had been different to suddenly he felt like something I said was an ultimatum to him --- so he said he took my advice and cut everyone out (at this point including me), but maybe choosing her??? It was so unclear and frack if I know what I said that he took to be an ultimatum but it had to be recent such in the last couple of weeks??? He went from 2 weeks ago telling me to impress him to meet a new, nice guy to being angry that I had. Like that was the reason he made his current choice. His language was so vague that eventually I just had to cut the convo because I just see myself emotionally flooding.
I took the time last night really looking at what he said - the beauty of text messages... they are there forever.
Decided I really need to detox from him. In over 2yr now the longest we have gone without being in contact is 10 days. 10 lousy days.
I decided I needed a good 60 to 90 days but frankly better set a goal of 30 days. That's at least 3 times the longest time we have ever gone and won't seem so impossible.
Don't be misled that my life is focused on just these 2 guys right now. I mean at the moment both are a sh*tshow. I've made new platonic guy friends. Meeting up with old friends at fun vaca spots. I joined this 100mil dog walk challenge and a male friend of mine joined too... so we are keeping each other motivated! I've done several cooking challenges. I'm not centered around two circus clowns.
