((Stella)) - we've all been there and done that. Just reset the clock and keep going.
Just check out some of us "old-timers"'s early threads - I just read back to January 2017 whooo boy was I messed up. I remember calling my wife then when I realized that she'd been stringing me along and had gone to see OM. Any of the questions I demanded answers to where met with silence and weeping.
It's hard to see right now, but you're doing fine.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
And by the way, these moment are needed. I’ve often said, setback is improperly named. This is forward progress, even though it appears to be setting back somewhat.
You need to prove this situation, to prove what you know, to yourself. It’s part of the process, and part of gaining your strength and fortitude.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Why am I so weak with him. Like anything I say will ever make a difference. I know it won't, but stupid me just had to try. I am so frustrated with myself. I told him, that I missed him and that we were still a option, that it was not to late. That our M was worth more than his A, that we know each other better than anyone else knows us, after 21 years together you don't just through that away... and I just get silence..... Dumb, dumb, dumb......
Breathe. Be gentle on yourself.
You are not weak. Nor are you stupid. You have demonstrated great strength and character. And I do admire your affinity for rationalizing and understanding.
Remember what I said about bargaining? Such a weird stage of grief. We will try, bargain, almost anything to regain our once normal emotional security. To somehow not have the loss. This is our last ditch emotional efforts. Perfectly normal and healthy. Don’t fret.
Better not bitter.
This exchange with H was for you. You needed it. That’s why it transpired. You are crafting and strengthening beliefs, values, and convictions. I know that is difficult to see, have faith and stay to the light. Your dividends will far outweigh this temporary suffering. That which emerges from the crucible is so worth it.
Originally Posted by Stella20
So mad at myself right now, like I just had to dig for more pain. WTF is wrong with me. I have no will power when it comes to H.
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you!
How do you think one gains strength or will power? Wisdom comes from experience. And experience usually comes from “incorrect” actions or decisions. One who does everything “right” has little opportunity for experience. You are now wiser then before. Use it well. (((Stella)))
I suspect the 24 hour rule will get more scrutiny next time. And yes, there will be a next time from H.
My greatest best lessons and wisdom gained came from failing at something. I’d never experienced being cheated on like this, or a divorce, or much of anything of my situation. My goodness, the experience and, thankfully, the wisdom gained. I’d not trade it back. The gains we make are so very worth all this.
Stand back up. Dust off. Breathe deep. Shoulders back. Head held high. You really are doing fine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am just so disappointed in myself for being so weak with H.
Why do I keep trying? Why can't I just let go? Why do I keep hoping for a different answer any answer? Why do I keep hoping that he is still in there? Why am I having such a hard time excepting that this M is over, that we are getting a D? Why do I keep holding on, and hoping? How can this be happening? Why do I even want this anymore? Why am I even telling him that there is still a chance? It means nothing to him. But why be nice to me, why call me, why even talk to me???
Yes, I see the bargaining, yep...(big sigh)...Some of the crazy stuff in my head...what is/has happening to me. I use to be so confident, happy and sure of myself. I use to laugh, I'm trying to be that women again, just really hard to see through the trees.
I wish I had a fast forward button for my life right now.
Long story short it just your brain trying to protect you. It doesn’t like uncertainty and it’s tricking you into pursuing your husband. That’s why NC is for you and you should block him on your phone letting him know you will communicate only through email.
as others have said, we've all been there. this is not a linear path. as long as you learn something from each step in the journey, you're making progress.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
"I have always done everything for everyone else. (when I asked what, no answer) When was the last time you did something special for me? I have been unhappy for 2 years. Yes we had a good life. Everything accumulated over the years"
What accumulated over ther years? He never mentioned one word to me about not being happy. I am not a mind reader. Said somethings should be unspoken, when I asked what he couldn't answer. WTF????????????
You don't blow up your marriage and emotionally murder your wife without talking to her.
I agree with LH. All of us who have had someone walk away (or even parented teens) get it's hard in the moment to LISTEN/VALIDATE (hear them) instead of ARGUE your view and invalidate theirs. Strategically, what will you do the next time he’s trying to open up about his feelings and you’re not in the mood to listen?
Originally Posted by Stella
Said somethings should be unspoken, when I asked what he couldn't answer. WTF????????????
Couldn’t or wouldn’t? He had just told you—unlike the issue he spoke up and questioned you about a moment earlier—that he wanted to leave this issue unspoken. This is his feeling now. It may change.
