Living in the Light VI

[DejaVu6]

Five more sleeps until Disneyland!!! I cannot wait!!!

In other news... I am getting my ID.4 a lot earlier than I expected. Apparently a woman had ordered a white one with all of the bells and whistles I want (AWD (I decided the extra $ was worth it), statement package) and someone had mistakenly entered grey as the colour instead of white. When they contacted her, she insisted she wanted a white vehicle and luckily they had a cancelled order for a white one that they were able to give her. That left them with a grey one which just happens to be the colour I want. Long story short... my name was at the top of the waitlist so they offered it to me. I accepted and it will be arriving via train on the mainland when I am in Disneyland. After that it has to be transported by truck to the Island. They have six coming in and can only transport three at a time (they weigh 5,000 lbs) and he couldn't tell me if mine would be in the first group of three or the second but I will get it in March for sure. I also get unlimited free charging on Electrify Canada for two years which means I can pretty much travel to Alberta and back for free anytime I want.

So...after getting that news, I decided it would be a really good time for me to travel to the interior to visit my ex-inlaws as I haven't seen them in a few years and I know my X-MIL is in poor health so I really want to see her again before I get a call to go to her funeral. I texted my XH and he invited me to come and visit over the Easter long weekend (I have Friday to Tuesday off). I also had the brilliant idea of picking up my now-adult nephews on the way so they could spend Easter with their grandparents and parents as well. I haven't seen them or their parents since my eldest nephew committed suicide 13 years ago. At that time, his brothers were in their mid-teens and now they are in their late 20's so I am so excited to see them if I can. The elder of the two responded to my message saying he just started a new job and would check to see if they will let him go for that time period. I haven't heard from the youngest but the two of them are bf's so if he doesn't see my message, I'm sure his brother will pass it on. Anyway...fingers crossed they can come with me.

XH's wife returned home from the hospital on Saturday. No idea if that means the crisis has passed but I'm hoping that it does.

Oh yeah... more fun on FB dating. I had replied to a guy in my area who seemed like he might be nice...decent looking...a job in education...no obvious issues from his pictures or description. I just sent him a brief text asking him a question about why he had switched careers (cooking to education). He then replied...went into a long diatribe about the tv shows I like, which ones he likes too, how he doesn't have cable so we'd have to watch them at my place and he'd bring the popcorn and then finished off with...wait for it... "I'm sooooo excited DV6. I knew that God would send you to me one day [kissy face emoji]." So I contemplated that for a moment [and read it a second time to make sure I had read it right], then clearly heard a voice in my head say, "Delete him." So I did. Whether that was God or my own intuition, I have no idea but that guy had "potential stalker" written all over him. Seems to me that is something you would say to someone you had been going out with for a long time, who you clearly loved and wanted to express how grateful you were that they came into your life... not someone who likes the same tv shows as you and had just said "hello". Wow. It's a good thing that so many people wave their red flags in front of your face so you can't miss them...lol. Bullet...dodged.

[BL42]

DejaVu6,

Great news on Disney and your vehicle....enjoy!

then finished off with...wait for it... "I'm sooooo excited DV6. I knew that God would send you to me one day [kissy face emoji]." So I contemplated that for a moment [and read it a second time to make sure I had read it right], then clearly heard a voice in my head say, "Delete him." So I did. Whether that was God or my own intuition, I have no idea but that guy had "potential stalker" written all over him. Seems to me that is something you would say to someone you had been going out with for a long time, who you clearly loved and wanted to express how grateful you were that they came into your life... not someone who likes the same tv shows as you and had just said "hello". Wow. It's a good thing that so many people wave their red flags in front of your face so you can't miss them...lol. Bullet...dodged.

So I totally agree his comment comes off as too strong too soon and I'd never say something like that before even meeting someone, but also continue to be intrigued by how a guy's enthusiasm can turn a woman off. You'd think interest and excitement would be a good thing. Many dating/attraction resources I've read post-D talk about guys being mysterious with their intentions and not over pursuing or getting attached too quickly, allowing the woman to get comfortable and ultimately fall first. That feedback advice seems to be confirmed at times by several female posters' comments on this board. I mean is this guy really a stalker, or might he just be excited at the prospect of dating you (and is that really such a bad thing)?

[kml]

It's a good thing that so many people wave their red flags in front of your face so you can't miss them

Right?????

Have fun at Disneyland. I grew up close enough that we could see the nightly fireworks in the summertime in the distance. Lots of good memories there.

[Traveler]

So I totally agree his comment comes off as too strong too soon and I'd never say something like that before even meeting someone, but also continue to be intrigued by how a guy's enthusiasm can turn a woman off. You'd think interest and excitement would be a good thing.

Hi BL42, doesn't your CREEPY meter go off when you read that?! I've NEXTed women for less.

Imagine you're looking at Game of Thrones books at Barnes and Noble and a lady is looking at you (she'd know about as much about you as this fellow did about DV). You say "Hi!" She gives you a 3-minute lecture on the Lannisters, says once you and her are in a relationship she'd have to watch at your place, winks, then thanks God for helping her meet the right guy?!

I could think of a gazillion openings that would work better to begin a conversation, from a simple comment and question about the show, to adding a compliment about your attire. Normal people behaviors.

Many dating/attraction resources I've read post-D talk about guys being mysterious with their intentions and not over pursuing or getting attached too quickly

They're both on a dating site--their intentions are hardly mysterious. Who or what is he getting "attached too quickly" to, when he knows next to nothing about Deja Vu but what's on her profile?

I mean is this guy really a stalker, or might he just be excited at the prospect of dating you (and is that really such a bad thing)?

I'm thinking of the last lady that I NEXT'd for this. I don't know if she was a stalker--or something else was wrong with her? Once I decided she was neither good partner nor friend material I had little interest in finding out.

[BL42]

Hi BL42, doesn't your CREEPY meter go off when you read that?! I've NEXTed women for less.

Yes, agreed. That's why I prefaced my comment with "I totally agree his comment comes off as too strong too soon and I'd never say something like that before even meeting someone..."

Many dating/attraction resources I've read post-D talk about guys being mysterious with their intentions and not over pursuing or getting attached too quickly

They're both on a dating site--their intentions are hardly mysterious. Who or what is he getting "attached too quickly" to, when he knows next to nothing about Deja Vu but what's on her profile?

I wasn't talking about this guy specifically, but the concept in general that a guy's direct enthusiasm or over interest can often be counter productive and actually turn the woman off. You'd think one would want someone excited and interested but are more often attracted to those whose interest is vague or veiled. Also, guys would ramp up the attachment level can make the woman back away. Seems a bit counter intuitive at first, but is a key concept on DB'ing here on the board and other dating/attraction resources out there.

[LH19]

So B you can show enthusiasm by saying you like that show too and then reference a character or episode etc. Also pretty sure God has better things to do then hook people up on dating apps. Never use the kissy face emoji on an opener ever!

Again dude probably isn’t a stalker he just got a little to excited and carried away. You certainly never put someone on a pedestal especially before you meet them even if they are the cats meow.

BL I know your shaking your head saying you can’t compliment their looks, your can’t be over enthusiastic wtf? Lol. You’ll get the hang of it with practice. I can tell you I have has some openers that afterwords I said “WITF would I say that”? Lol.

[Traveler]

the concept in general that a guy's direct enthusiasm or over interest can often be counter productive and actually turn the woman off. You'd think one would want someone excited and interested but are more often attracted to those whose interest is vague or veiled.

Interesting. Well, my initial approach to first dates--a flower, plus sunset hike, plus homemade picnic--was very effective in converting first dates into second dates. The board felt showing more interest than I felt was gamey and manipulative, so my journey has been striving to be more genuine. If I recall correctly, you had a single miss with someone finding you over-eager? I'd make small chances and stay BL42--don't let one woman drive you to another gamey approach.

BL I know your shaking your head saying you can’t compliment their looks, your can’t be over enthusiastic wtf? Lol. You’ll get the hang of it with practice.

This. Accept your first few dates you will make goofs. Accept your 50th date you will make goofs, but fewer of them. Keep learning from your goofs and improving yourself. If someone is your God-ordained soul mate, they'll focus on the positives or give you a second chance. If they're not, no second date is one step closer to the new Ms. BL42.

[DejaVu6]

FWIW… I did go on a date with a guy that seemed a bit too enthusiastic before meeting him and did gave him the benefit of the doubt and he is the one guy I’ve met that I had to block because he wasn’t taking “no thanks” for an answer. It is fine to be enthusiastic to a point…but over the top enthusiasm when you’ve exchanged two texts is, IMO, a big red flag. It came across as too desperate and undiscerning. If he had just engaged in a conversation about the show we both like, it would have been fine… and the first part of his message was that. It’s when he started talking about watching it together at my place (as if that had already been agreed to) and be being sent to him from God that he lost me. That is waaaayyyy past enthusiastic and entering into delusional territory (not about believing in God but saying that he had sent me to him). The other thing that was kind of weird but not a deal breaker is that he kept capitalizing random words in his texts. I had chalked it up as quirky but it almost seemed like he was yelling different words…lol. It was just weird.

I think there is a fine balance to maintain in your texts with someone before you meet them. Interested but not too interested. Don’t talk like you are going to be doing all these things in the future without having established a mutual interest in person. In my mind, the first few communications are solely to determine if you have enough interest in each other to actually meet. Once you meet, you establish if there is an in-person attraction and then if you have enough of an attraction, you make plans for an actual date where you get to know each other a bit more and reassess if there should be a third date…and so on… To me, that’s a normal progression and when someone wants to skip all the steps and start talking like they’ve found their match, it makes me, and probably most people, want to run screaming.

Also BL… I think detecting “crazy” is even more important for women when it comes to OLD. The plot from “Fatal Attraction” aside… as a woman, paying attention to our intuition when it comes to weeding out the crazies, could be a matter of life and death so I don’t try to second guess it too much…especially when it starts screaming at me after two texts. No need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt after that brief interaction. I mean….what if you met this person at a bar and you said “hi” and he said “hi” and then asked you what your favourite tv show was. You reply with the name of a show and he all of a sudden says… “Oh….I love that show too. I don’t have cable though so we’ll have to watch it at your place and I’ll bring the popcorn. OMG… I am soooooooo excited. I knew God would send you to me one day.” And then tried to kiss you (which is kinda what a kissing emoji implies). Uhhhh… pretty sure that would be the end of that. Anyway…no regrets. I am 100% sure I dodged a big bullet there.

[DejaVu6]

Oh yeah… another example… Had a message from another guy on POF. Again….looked like a nice guy but lives an hour away. I didn’t see it for a couple of weeks so I replied with “Sorry for the late reply. I didn’t see your message. And then asked him how his day was going.” He responds with… “My day would be a whole lot better if you were cuddling up to me on the couch. What idiot singled you up? You’re gorgeous. Do you ever come to Vic? Do you want to?” I suppose that kind of a response would be fine for some people but I’m just looking for someone who seems a little less like a frat boy just looking to hook up with someone. I expect a guy in his late forties or early fifties to be a bit more sophisticated in his approach. Is that too much to ask?

[kml]

I think detecting “crazy” is even more important for women when it comes to OLD. The plot from “Fatal Attraction” aside… as a woman, paying attention to our intuition when it comes to weeding out the crazies, could be a matter of life and death so I don’t try to second guess it too much…especially when it starts screaming at me after two texts.

Yes - women have a lifetime of having to be on the lookout for dangerous or creepy men. The consequences can be dire of we miss the signals.

But even if it doesn't set off the creepy-meter, guys who come on too strong before even meeting and getting to know us, it feels like they are not interested in who we are as a person. And I, like most women, do not want to be with a guy who is ONLY interested in my looks, or just sex.

An appropriate expression of interest from some guy I meet online would be something like "You seem like a really interesting person that I would like to get to know better. How about a (coffee date, meet for drinks, whatever low key initial meet)?".