And epic fail just now.... H called and like a idiot, I answered. I should not have answered, I know...Kept calm for most of it, should have ended the convo, but nooooo I had to push it. So mad at myself right now, like I just had to dig for more pain. WTF is wrong with me. I have no will power when it comes to H.
So of course I brought up our M, R and D. Everything I should not have. My frustration with him and this whole sitch, just got the better of me...ugh!!!!! As to be expected, H shut down, I ask a question and he goes silent, would not answer any questions, said he thought I had moved on already, I told him I had not slept with anyone. Asked him if he really thought that my love for him was that shallow, he said no. Said he would always care for me and he "thinks about everything all the time" I asked what he ment by that, "just everything" ok a no answer answer...
The tipping point for me was when he brought up a friends XW who just got married over the weekend to a man she had a A with. This man use to work with H, I know both of them. This man is a trainwreck, hasnt been able to hold down a job or be faithful to the friends XW, but they got married anyway. My H said he told the XH(whom he is really good friends with) about the wedding and the issues with the new H. Said he thought his friend would like to know what a trainwreck his XW and new H are and have been and will be. To give his friend a feel good moment..... This frustrated the sh!t out of me. Seriously he can see it in others but not himself. WTF!!!!! So he can see how bad that turned out but can't look at his own [censored] show.
I know He has convinced himself that he is really in love with OW. I need to just let go, I need to just give up. But no, what do I do, tell him that in my gut I can't give up on us. OMG could I have been anymore pathetic.
Why am I so weak with him. Like anything I say will ever make a difference. I know it won't, but stupid me just had to try. I am so frustrated with myself. I told him, that I missed him and that we were still a option, that it was not to late. That our M was worth more than his A, that we know each other better than anyone else knows us, after 21 years together you don't just through that away... and I just get silence..... Dumb, dumb, dumb......
