No contact yesterday, really thought I was going to break. Going out with my family helped alot. I picked up my niece and we had a hour and a half drive each way to the farm. We had good talks there and back. Made plans for everyone to come to the pool this summer.
After I dropped her off I cried the rest of the way home. I wanted to talk to H about what a great day I had, how beatiful the country side was, the horses and the barn cats. I wanted to share my day with him. But I can't, he dosen't care about my day, dosen't care that I miss him or that he is tearing me appart. He just doesn't care, after 21 years.... Why would he care, he has OW to hang out with and share his life with now, I am nothing to him.
Later last night I had a, thats it moment and felt better for a while. Felt like..screw him, I am done, he doesn't deserve my thoughts, he doesn't deserve me. Started to focus on all of the bad in him, the selfishness, the world revolves around him. Everything and anything in our marriage that would make me angry and see him for what he has become. I wanted to just let go and not care. This is his choice, nothing I can do about it. Felt some strength, then bam... gone this morning.
I need so need it to be spring so I can get outside an stay busy.
