Hello my sweet friend. I don't come here often. Really just to check in and see how you are doing.
Our childhood does affect us for life, doesn't it? We just have to try to acknowledge it and do the best we can.
You always were so hard on yourself, sweetie. You are amazing. You know that. How I wish I had accomplished all that you have.
Congrats to little G...she is amazing, too. She may have gotten his math brain..but the rest...all you. Say hi to her for me.
So, we all know that negative self talk isnt good for us, but, talk we do, right? It is a habit, and it does serve its purpose sometimes in propelling us forward.
I know you long for a happy, loving, supportive relationship. I believe you will have one, one day. I do. I have come to truly see that it happens when it is supposed to.
Maybe you have some more inner work to do. Maybe you have to see yourself as we do. Maybe you have to get out of your head some.
I believe, and really what the heck do I know, that we should always be true to who we are. I dont mean we need to show our potential partners all the "stuff" we hold. G-d knows, that would have sent R running...lol. But I didnt pretend to be anyone other than who I am. I actually told him some of my stuff on the first date. Just put it out there. Was it the right thing to do? Who knows? I am sure he thought a lot about it and gave it some time to see just how bad it really was. I dont know. I just knew that I wasnt going to play any games. I was just going to be the me I had finally become and learned to love somewhat.
Not sure where I was going with all of this. LOL. I guess I am saying that maybe you think too much about it all sometimes. What to do, what to say, how to act. And that maybe, when you truly embrace all that you are, and you stop thinking about the whatifs and what should be's..things happen.
So, try not to think about you not having another chance at a family because you dont know that to be true. Stop comparing yourself to others and just be wonderful you.
I do believe that even if we dont realize it, we give off certain things. And that maybe, people can sense what is inside your head and heart and they dont know what to do with it.
As for the red flags, I agree with Don, depends on what they are. Heck, I have red flags all over me...lol..R looked past them. I looked past his..
Mindset, sweetie. Change yours a bit. Just go out and have fun..see where it leads you. Love you.
I am so happy you dropped by and still check on me.
I am indeed very hard on myself. I rarely cut myself slack. It’s been one of the harder things to change, believe it or not.
I would say I am a true Gemini. There are 2 sides to me for sure. I logically know I am pretty amazing. Im resilient, I’m loving, hardworking, and I absolutely do think I make a great partner. Not perfect, but I’m empathetic, living, fun, and giving . Then there is the other side of me who can’t help but ask what’s wrong with me when I cannot obtain a stable living consistent romantic relationship. I’m never the one, just the one before the one. Why am I not worth the effort and love I put out there. It’s very difficult for me to reconcile the 2 parts of me.
Again, like a true Gemini: I am outgoing, friendly, bubbly, funny, people feel very safe coming to me for anything. I just got my annual performance review at work which I did very well in and received top scoring in communication and working exceptionally well with every discipline. ( important part of my job)
Then there in the other side, that while I am fun and happy and out going and calm and collected, I have lots of stress inside. I can’t communicate my non positive emotions to anyone, but I can communicate the positive. And anytime I’ve tried to communicate my personal difficult emotions I have been invalidated by people close to me, especially partners and I can’t let it out. And I’m sure that makes me come across as not genuine. But all these different parts of me are totally absolutely genuine , I just cannot share them all.
And I do think that’s what I really need to work on. Sharing the negative parts of me without fear. Without fear of rejection or abandonment .
That’s probably probably requires a professional because I don’t know where to begin. Pulling the trigger on getting that help has been difficult for me too. I admit. Again, a super overwhelming thought to start from the beginning again.
I truly hope one day I can feel safe doing all of this again. Because I also think that’s why I cannot connect with anyone. Because I can’t show all me. So how can I possibly find what I’m looking for
