If there’s enough money to get a lump sum in place of alimony, you might want to take that. That way you’re protected if he dies or loses his job. However, the formulas used to calculate a lump sum may not favor you in an inflationary environment with an overvalued stock market. It can be useful to consult a financial counselor who specializes in divorce.
As for the question of whether pursuing the divorce sends the wrong message - my opinion is it does not! It puts him on notice that you are not a doormat, that he’s losing something. I’ve seen some spouses turn around here right as the divorce was finishing. Or some come back after the divorce is final.
But trying to “nice” him back into the relationship by forgoing your fair share in the divorce never works. And the longer you wait to do and finish the divorce, generally the less generous he will be. Strike while he still feels a shred of guilt.
Btw do you have texts and emails between the two of you discussing that he’s on board with you retiring? If so, keep them - they may be useful to show that he encouraged you to retire at the same time he was having an affair.
