Unfortunately his actions speak very loudly but you could certainly ask him one more time but you have to be willing to more than likely be rejected again.
Remember that to turn this around he likely has to fear he may lose you forever.
I had a life insurance policy on my ex to cover the alimony. I had to pay for it but honestly felt better, because if he was paying I’d have to worry about whether he would let it lapse. Fortunately we already had a life insurance policy. You might have some difficulty getting a new insurance policy on your H if he’s drinking heavily - elevated liver enzymes may show up on blood work needed to get life insurance. If you havens current policy make sure payments are kept up.
It would also be a good idea to consider the possibility of him losing his job/dying when thinking about what to ask for. Keeping the house and getting part of the 401k might be better than getting alimony. You’d still have it even if he died. Alimony could be reduced if H became disabled ir unemployed.
L- wouldnt going through with the D cause him fear of losing me Forever??? He knows I don't want this D, I have told him so. I will not stop it, he would have to stop it. If he chooses to stop it, I would agree if... he moved to his own place and cut contact with OW, to start. I am not going to ask him again, he knows where I stand, the ball is in his court.
I know this is only 9 months in, but at what point do the see everything they are losing? Do they ever see it. H was a smart man, I have to believe that some part of him sees the insanity of his actions. (wishful thinking)
Kml- no current life insurance policies. Even with taking off half of the house from the 401k, he would still owe me some money form 401k. Plus alimony, he makes 5 to 6 times what I was making when I was working. There is no way I would even come close to making 25% of what he is currently making. I plan to get a job as soon as my Atty gives me the go ahead, but it will be just for health insurance. Not looking to get back into a career job if I don't have to.
Nah the D part is nothing but a part of the process to him. Unfortunately it’s going to take him to see you moving on with someone else before he realizes what he lost. The problem is you would have to be insane at that point to go back to him.
In my readings I read that in these situations they don’t come around for minimum 2 years and more like 3-5. Some never do so it’s up to the individual how long they wait.
If there’s enough money to get a lump sum in place of alimony, you might want to take that. That way you’re protected if he dies or loses his job. However, the formulas used to calculate a lump sum may not favor you in an inflationary environment with an overvalued stock market. It can be useful to consult a financial counselor who specializes in divorce.
As for the question of whether pursuing the divorce sends the wrong message - my opinion is it does not! It puts him on notice that you are not a doormat, that he’s losing something. I’ve seen some spouses turn around here right as the divorce was finishing. Or some come back after the divorce is final.
But trying to “nice” him back into the relationship by forgoing your fair share in the divorce never works. And the longer you wait to do and finish the divorce, generally the less generous he will be. Strike while he still feels a shred of guilt.
Btw do you have texts and emails between the two of you discussing that he’s on board with you retiring? If so, keep them - they may be useful to show that he encouraged you to retire at the same time he was having an affair.
He's doing his best to be central in everything. It's all about him - you are just one of the claques (an obscure word I know but applicable).
One thing I did learn second hand about affairs is that it's often not about the sex. It's about the thrill of getting away with it and the power they get over others who they feel want them.
and, i'm convinced, entitlement
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
L- wouldnt going through with the D cause him fear of losing me Forever??? He knows I don't want this D, I have told him so. I will not stop it, he would have to stop it. If he chooses to stop it, I would agree if... he moved to his own place and cut contact with OW, to start. I am not going to ask him again, he knows where I stand, the ball is in his court.
I know this is only 9 months in, but at what point do the see everything they are losing? Do they ever see it. H was a smart man, I have to believe that some part of him sees the insanity of his actions. (wishful thinking)
Kml- no current life insurance policies. Even with taking off half of the house from the 401k, he would still owe me some money form 401k. Plus alimony, he makes 5 to 6 times what I was making when I was working. There is no way I would even come close to making 25% of what he is currently making. I plan to get a job as soon as my Atty gives me the go ahead, but it will be just for health insurance. Not looking to get back into a career job if I don't have to.
you can also ask to have him cover your health insurance as part of the divorce agreement.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
