1) you don’t have to convince S17. He just needs to know the offer is always there on the table for counseling
OK, He knows, so he can come to me at any time if he wants to start with it.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
2) I’m going to be brutally honest here and I apologize in advance. Boundaries are going to take longer for your H to respect. Because they have been so so weak. He says the right thing, and he’s allowed to come back through the door. You allow him to cuddle with you and talk about OW. You have allowed him to be abusive towards you under the guise of having to treat lightly because he is in his alter ego. He knows he can trounce on you and you will give in with the right words without having to prove much . Your kids as well have seen this. The best way to teach your kids is to model them. And I think you can’t go dramatic on them. He will call BS.
You need to enforce boundaries where he talks about other woman or talks abusingly to you, you immediately remove yourself from the situation. Before letting him anywhere back through that door, you need to consistent long term proof of change. That the monster isn’t coming around anymore and isn’t allowed back.
No need to apologize G. I totally agree with the fact that I've let him and his alter ego go too far in recent weeks. I'm not going to lie, it's much easier to set boundaries when you see him completely gone crazy than the constant cycling. I have been able to set up boundaries the past years in a proper way, the past weeks I failed, until you all warned me it went too far and I acted accordingly.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Best way to teach your kids is to model it. The allow for the counselor to help guide them on having healthy boundaries with their father. Do you have a counselor for yourself to help you with the same ?
This is what I'm doing again, as I used to do in the past. I too have an appointment again with a counselor I've seen shortly after BD and went about a year then.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Oh my, H is certainly flipping and flopping about, and lashing out. Over these three years you have guided your boys, and been an excellent role model; they have been watching.
I know I have done the best I could, seen the great R I have with them. Unfortunately the past 3 weeks they have seen and heard things they shouldn't have and I regret myself for letting him go too far. I had to react the first time he lashed out. I've learned my lesson.
I decided to take them out for an evening one by one. Last week I went with S14 to a Burger Bar and afterwards to the movies in 4D, fantastic experience. S14 told me 4 to 5 times what a great evening he had and that we need to do that more often, just the two us.
Yesterday it was S17's turn. S17 likes good food so we went to a nice restaurant. Afterwards we went for a walk and when we came home we listened to music together with S14's in the living room. We truly had such a great evening.
Next week it S14's turn.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Ask the boys what they want. I suspect they would like no contact; especially when Dad is off on such an emotional trek. This is not new to them. At 14 and 17 they can decide if they see or talk to Dad. Support their decision, as I know you will.
They can love Dad, and not like him. It’s ok. It’s also ok to not see him, until they want too. MLC H is behaving like a rebellious teen, again. They need to treat him as such. It’s unfortunate when our kids need to be the adult in the room. However, when dealing with a crisis parent, they need to put on their life preserver and get away from the crazy storm.
The boundary need not be stated. It could be though, perhaps something like:
Dad, I was hurt when you yelled at me over school grades and told me I am no longer your son. Such disrespectful behaviour will not be tolerated. When you speak to me like that, I will hang up the phone, leave the room, or block your number.D
This is what S14's want, no contact. S17 is not sure yet. He is thinking about it. I know S14's are afraid of him, afraid of telling him they don't want to see him for now. S14 told me he will text his F when he asks to come over, he doesn't want to tell him since he is afraid of his reaction, even over the phone. He will text he prefers not to see him for now, and he will wait until he goes to the counselor to talk about it. Then he will see from there. I said if that is what you want that is just fine.
