My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[Eagle3]

He wants to get you into the mix, triangulating is a specialty of theirs. DON'T FALL FOR IT. Advise your kids on the side if you must, if they come to you for guidance, but don't allow yourself to be dragged in.

Thanks Bttrfly. This is what I think as well. I have done as you stated, They asked how to respond so I gave them advice from the side for now.

If you feel you had a no contact agreement for a few weeks and he violated your agreement then go ahead and send him a message about it. Again I’m not clear what is actually the problem with it and that is a hill you want to die on.

LH, I don't make a problem here, I only ask for some advice on how to handle things as I'm struggling with the fact that when boundaries are made you need to stick to them, but this is kind of a different situation.

I get and completely understand you want no contact with him but he is their father and should continue to foster a relationship and be concerned about their grades as long as he is handling it in adult like fashion. The minute that stops then you can discuss with your kids about NC.

As you can see in my last response he is not handling things like a proper adult and father should. He has crossed some serious lines, not only for the past weeks he's been home, but for 3 years already. That is why we made an agreement and that was, no contact with any of us for a few weeks, yet he is breaking that boundary again.

LH, I want them to have a good R with their father, but with a F who genuinely shows interest in them, not because he wants to look good.

My understanding Eagle is that you and exh agreed NC between each other, right?

Correct B.

Teaching them how to enforce their own healthy boundaries with ex might be useful at their age.

Agree 100% with G, it's time for the boys to start fostering their own relationship with their Dad. Since he's abusive, definitely guide them through it, but you may also want to set up counseling for them so that a neutral third party can also help guide them. The boys need to know that they have the power to decide what and how much contact they have with their father. 14 is a little young, but the older son at 17 is fast approaching an age where he will realize he has that power and start using it. The trick is teaching them to use it wisely, not vindictively, as kids sometimes do when they're first learning about how to set boundaries with toxic people.

That's another reason to get a counselor involved.

Exactly G and B. This is what I want them to teach, and since I'm in the middle it is very difficult for me to get involved in a neutral way so I decided last week to get a counselor for them. They each need a different one (no counselor is willing to see each of them, only one at a time)

Both S14 want to go, S17 is not willing to (although he would need it the most)

I have found two good counselors, so both S14 will start with therapy within 2 weeks.

Any ideas on how to convince S17 it would be a good thing for him to go?