7 1/2 years later...I'm trying

[BL42]

mvg,

Single parenting is incredibly lonely. Prior to meeting my XW, I never imagined divorce in my life. After the divorce, I never thought I'd be 7 1/2 years in and still alone.

Although you're 5 years ahead of me, I can certainly relate. I've certainly felt at times over the last 2 years it'd be nice to have a partner. After all, that's what we signed up for.

I've been the primary parent (M-F + one weekend a month + sports on weekends) for almost all of my divorced life and while it has created an amazing bond between me and my two boys, it's also left me with 7 1/2 years of lonely "adult" memories. What I mean by that is, I've had 7 1/2 years of birthdays, holidays, first and last days of school, stomach bugs, swim meets, field trips, late night wake ups and everything in between, without another adult to share those experiences with. Not only are the big things lonely, but the day to day stuff is emotionally and physically draining. Simple stuff like, daily homework, dinner, laundry, practices, all while working a FT job and two PT jobs seems almost impossible on some days.

So legally my ExW and I have 50/50, but in practice (by day if not "sleeps") I'm much more involved in the kids' lives than her. For example, this week I'll be with them Mon, Wed & Fri even though it's "her week". That said, it's certainly more of an "even"/shared situation than yours.

It's interesting. There are definitely times I've wished I could be a primary or even sole provider, not only to not miss out on the kids' lives but also because I've been the more stable and engaged parent and believe the kids would be better off under my care (though maybe she's turning a corner there). Anyway, there are other times I'm pretty beat and admittedly welcome the relief of a transition over to ExW. I can imagine 7 1/2 years of being the primary could wear you down, especially without a partner to share it with.

I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day. XW still takes me to mediation to argue extremely mundane and irrelevant details, still counts hours, still sends me harassing texts, etc etc.

Why do you think that is? Remember, a person's poor behavior towards you is more of a reflection of them than you.

@kml Years ago, XW went through the calendar, day by day, hour by hour (literally with a spreadsheet of "awake" and "asleep" hours) to make sure it's technically 50-50 to the hour, over the calendar year, NOT the school year. So during the summer, she gets extra time, etc, but has zero responsibility when it comes to the school week/year (homework, lunches, playing, sports, bedtimes, etc)

I'm confused, are you the primary parent or is it a 50/50 split? What does your divorce agreement actually say in regards to custody? It doesn't seem fair you have them the schedule you do with all the responsibilities during the school year only to have her get them a majority of the Summer break to go on vacations and enjoy the pool (or whatever). Maybe something to push back on or revisit.

Meanwhile, my ex told S11 a few weeks ago about a bad math test score, "You and daddy can figure it out, you're with him during the week"

I know it's a lot harder on you, but you're doing the right thing by digging down and being their rock in terms of homework and sports and whatever else. Keep it up. Not only do your sons deserve it, but you'll be glad you did for your on sake.

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

CWs this may have been your best post ever.

Agreed. Great post. Your ExW's decisions were/are out of your control, but you and your sons are a family.

I started with a cleaning company about a two years ago, 2x a month, that helped for sure.

Yes! My cleaner has been amazing, and let me focus on my important priorities (most importantly the kids).

S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting.

That's both validating and heartbreaking at the same time. I know I've been anxious as a parent for situations where S6 has to draw or describe his family. I don't want that to be a source of anxiety or embarrassment for him. There was one assignment he wrote "my family" and didn't have a picture by it. Could've been he didn't have time or get to it, or might've been he didn't want to deal with the thoughts? I don't know. I do know on several of his story writing assignments he's written about skiing, or playing soccer, or going on a beach vacation with "daddy" but doesn't seem to do those about mommy. Unfortunate for him & her if that's the case, but it is validating for me I'm able to stay so involved and really be his dad despite the D.

Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.

Challenging and lonely. Certainly two apt words to describe it. Hang in there.

I just ended a relationship with someone who wanted to know where this was going. She had a boy 15 and a boy 10. I thought to myself there is no way in he double hockey sticks I was moving 2 boys who she had 90% custody of in with me while my daughter is in high school.

LH - This is a challenge I haven't had to deal with yet, both because my kids are so young and because I haven't really dated much, but with both a son and a daughter it could be a sticky situation down the line if I date a woman with similar aged kids...having non-related teens in the house. Not sure how I'd deal with that. A complication certainly people need to be aware of.

It would be one thing if he and I had divorced for a different reason and he had met her afterwards but given how things happened, that's not a road I can see myself going down anytime soon, if ever.

I hear that!

But if you don't have time for you, I hate to tell you this but the kids aren't going to make it for you. You can either suffer in silence about burnout, or you can take some action.

You're in the thick of this kid stuff. I get it. But those boys are going to be getting more and more independent faster than you can imagine, and leave dear old dad behind, and if you don't have a life outside of those kids them leaving for college will turn your world upside down.

When you're feeling kinda empty and lost like this take it down to DB basics. GAL and 180s. What can you do for yourself? What can you do to change things in your life for you?

Wayfarer makes a great point on avoiding burnout and taking time to make yourself a priority as well.

I've been in IC with the therapist that saw my XW and I years ago, she's wonderful. The only problem is, she has been very clear that she doesn't feel that there's much she can do for me. Unfortunately, this echoes another therapist that saw me for about 6 months, who said the same thing. They are both very complimentary and tell me that I'm doing everything I should be doing and that it's more about acceptance at this point.

That's the reason I stopped IC. My IC kept saying I was doing all the right things and wasn't sure how else she could help me but would listen and validate. Almost seemed like she thought I shouldn't be there anymore.

I have been at this for 14 years, the lifetime of my daughter pretty much, as my exH left when my daughter was 6 months old. He left for other woman, and was engaged ot be married shortly after the divorce was legal.

Great comfort in knowing so many other people are in the same boat with spouses leaving when their kids are still in diapers :-/

I understand the lonely part of parenting. It's not the phsyical stuff for me, it;s sharing the emotional. I desire a partner who could support me and hear me in that, but not have to do it. I think if you just restructure your thinking to knowing your current girlfriend can be a supportive partner to you while being a good coparent with her ex husband at the same time, you might see you have it pretty good! I

Ginger makes a great point.

Currently, and for the last 6 years, my "kid-free" time is Saturday night and Sunday. This week, as an example, S8 has a two day swim meet and I'll be there both days volunteering. It's also the pool I swim at, so it's pretty fun and social for me as well.

I think it's great you volunteer for S8's sports. I started coaching now-S6's soccer and baseball teams as a way to stay involved in his life even on my "off" weeks, but besides that have thoroughly enjoyed it and it's helped me meet other parents plus all the kids call my "coach" at practice, games, and even school drop-offs/pick-ups! Just remember to make yourself a priority at times too.


Great discussion you started here, mvg! Hang in there...sounds like you're a fantastic father...keep it up!