Husband MLC? need help#2

[DnJ]

Hello Stella

Well done with NC. I know how hard that is.

Its just hard so hard to understand the choices that the MLCer makes.

Realize these are irrational choices that are emotionally driven. H doesn’t understand them either.

I guess because it is nothing I would ever do and I have always been a open and honest person. H was my person to turn to, I guess I was not his. If he loved me as deeply as I love him, he would not be doing this. The monster I saw over the summer, so filled with anger and hate towards me.. WTF???

It’s surprising what a person will do when in ceaseless pain and torment.

Consider us LBS, we are very hurt, and at first we’d crawl on broken glass to have our spouse back. Almost anything to go back to normal and good night sleeps again. MLC is a much worse pain.

Two more caring and gentle guidances along your journey:

Do not demonize H. He is a person. He is behaving badly, not a bad person.

You will be amazed at what you would/will do. And it depends on your choices and the path you walk. For example, people are amazed that I forgive J. Many a folk have said they’d never forgive their wife if she did what XW did to me and the kids. I used to believe and think like that too. Funny thing, when you walk in the light, find compassion, and unconditional love. (You probably think I’m referring to my W/XW. Only partly, remember your path is about you. Compassion, forgiveness, and love of self must exist before one can bestow it upon another.)

I guess, I just don't understand the whole A aspect of MLC. This just cuts me the deepest. H and I talked all the time, we knew couples that went through A's. We both saw the destuction and pain it caused close friends. He always believed and swore he would never do this, he never saw the point in them. We (I thought) were always on the same page on the journy of our life together. To turn so completely away from me and cut me out of his life like this, to replace me with that disgusting OW. How does a person come back from that?

My W and I were like that as well. J hated unfaithfulness and affairs. She even ended some friendships due to them cheating on their spouse. I had complete faith and trust in her. The implosion of my world when she made her grand announcement, flaunted her affair, tossed aside the kids, and moved out, was absolutely incredulous. In less than three hours she went from Thanksgiving supper to gone.

I do understand and empathize with how much hurt the affair is causing you. Believe me, in time, their illicit tryst will have no power over you, and no longer hurt. Keep your heart soft and squishy, as counterintuitive and as wrong as that presently feels.

An affair is based upon running away from their pain; it’s not running to that person. Most often the MLCer affairs down. Both AP and MLCer are hurt and emotionally stunted; emotionally mature and healed folk do not cheat and have affairs. The affair partner is being used, and usually so is the MLCer. This not a relationship built upon respect, trust, honour, or love. For they do not have these qualities within them and therefore can bestow upon anyone. This is a relationship built upon lies, deceit, desire, and escaping.

The affair has absolutely nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with H. OW is a symptom. She was just handy. If it wasn’t her, someone else would have sufficed. That is not love or respect.

Let’s say I was the worst husband on the planet. That still doesn’t give cause for J to have an affair. Look at how hurt the LBS is, we do not find someone to ease our pain. We heal, divorce, and then perhaps look towards another R. It is so sad and common that the one being cheated on feels and believes they did something wrong.

MLCers project the cause of their pain, torment, frustration, depression, anger, etc, upon their loving spouse. The actual cause is some long ago buried trauma from a person of authority, which our once rational and loving spouse doesn’t realize is consuming them. The emotional forces within them are incredible and ceaseless. They try all manner of things to deaden the pain.

Try after try fail, all the while we the unsuspecting loving loyal spouse is living happy and blissfully unaware. Our spouse still walks, talks, and behaves like our spouse. Retirement plans are still discussed. Vacations, major purchases, life, all still happens. Yet, within our spouse rages a force they cannot realize.

Slowly their attention turns to us. So many failed tried remedies, yet we are here. They project their emotions towards us, instead of their long ago authority figure. We become emotionally that person to them. Most often the authority figure is their parent(s). With their pain and torment now incorrectly targeted upon their spouse, it reinforces their emotions and justifications, and they grow to believe it.

Eventually it all boils overs. And kaboom. Bomb drop. Our spouse goes into full running mode of their crisis. They entered their crisis many months prior to this display. By this point, everything they have been trying has failed - and it’s our fault! To them it is our fault for everything going wrong in their life. If they left, everything would be fine. And so on, and so on. It’s all justification and projection.

Tried remedies did not work. The MLCer turns to vices. Immoral, illicit, illegal, anything to feel a rush. To feel alive. To deaden their pain. To tantalize them for a while and take their attention from their inner torment. Lots spend money, often burning through a lifetime of savings. Many turn to alcohol and drugs. Risky behaviours and activities are undertaken to feel something - fast cars, fast women.

An affair is staggeringly common. These hurt folks equate sex with happiness. And they are completely looking externally, so it follows an affair partner is the answer.

Space and time. The MLCer needs it, and will take it. They must run from us, their projected cause of their torment. In time, with no interference from, no interaction with us, the MLCer might realize that they still are in torment, and we haven’t been involved for a long time. Therefore we cannot be the cause of their pain. Then, perhaps, they start to look within and discover their actual trauma and start to deal with it.

I believe most do eventually realize we are not the cause. But damage done. Plenty of LBS by then have moved on. Plenty of MLCers might realize yet will not take the necessary steps towards healing. Lots are embroiled within their affair relationship and end up living a sad and unhappy life. And others are turned onto their new path and just keep running, eventually tiring and remaining with whichever OW1,2,3,x they are with or just live alone.

Interestingly, the role of us LBS as their “parent” or authority figure to lash out to and rebel against, is thrust upon the affair partner. It’s an unhealthy relationship, where the MLCer is the child and the AP is their parent (emotionally). Hence why they affair down, and really far down. They cannot handle rejection from their authority figure.

J told me that OM let her get away with anything she wanted. She was so happy! A clear rebelling against her parent’s terrible treatment of her. And equally clear how I was in her “parent” role.

In time, if the stars align, the affair partner serves their purpose. The MLCer pushes against them. Lashing out, rebelling, yelling at the “one” who abused or tormented them so long ago. Plenty of drama, hurt feelings, and so on. This release allows the MLCer to see within themselves. If they are ready and they can remain single long enough they start a better path.

He says he is in love, what happen to love he felt for me?

H is not in love with OW. He is incapable of love. He is infatuated.

Infatuation is a short-lived desire. For most healthy people it lasts 9 to 18 months. Usually feelings, thoughts, and beliefs of love take hold during this time and then burn slower like coals in what was a blaze of passion.

Infatuation for a person in an emotional crisis can last double or triple as long. The desire poisoning them from such a long duration. Infatuation is not suppose to be forever; it is a stress upon the body. Like an addict, if the MLCer breaks up or the AP breaks up, they will need to transmute and cleanse themselves of that poison. Purge their affair from themselves.

The old love they feel for us. It is buried within them. They found indifference towards us, just as we find indifference towards them. And indifference is not forever. It does unwind. If they do their inner work, heal, grow, and such, their love will return; just as our’s does.

MLCers are running. My W is running from her life, from me, from her kids, from her friends, from her pets. All incorrectly associated and linked to her pain. As MLCers settle they reconnect in the opposite order of leaving and destruction caused. Pets, friends, kids, spouse.

A MLCer’s journey is an emotional one, and much irrational. It’s is impossible to predict anyone’s outcome, for we do not the extent of their trauma nor their upbringing. And no one can see enough to extrapolate this. Yet, there is a somewhat commonality they all do seem to follow.

Better not bitter. It’s all for you.

D