youa re all so sweet. I am sad I haven't has success in the area of romantic love and partnership. I do think it is a very important part of life. I often feel like I am being punished or I am undeserving of that kind of love and partnership. It is hard to not to compare to others. I do sometimes feel embarrassed and defective. I cant help it. It's just been a long long long time.
Well, I knew the generosity of my dad and my stepmom would not go as smoothly as it was. I gave my dad 2 prices. One for the counters and one for the tile installation. SOmehow some way, he thought the price of the counters was the total for everything and he said I never told him this. I was very clear. I told him the 2 separate prices. Tje counters were paid in 2 seperate installments but I think he ended up thinking those 2 intallments was the total for everything. I did explained very clearly, but even though he is physically on point, He does seem to have a hard time understanding or remembering details. Or, I just he doesn't fully listen all the time. So he made it sound like I didn't tell him. He gave me the money, but now I feel just gross. I offered ot pay out my small saving account. I hate this. It just never goes smoothly. Then he won;t take any money form me, and then I feel awful. I am not taking another dime form him unless it is a dire emergency. I knew this was all going so smoothly to be true.
anyways, tomorrow finishes the work. Saturday I will spend deep cleaning. This weekend is the first weekend all year I am not working one of my 2 jobs. I very much look forward to it..
I am trying to find joy in some areas of my life. It;s tough sometimes not to feel like you are in survival mode all the time, well, when you are. I will have fun this weekend. I will enjoy FL. I do smile. To everyone, they see me as never stressed, never shaken, go with the flow, happy, and put together. I wake up alot in the middle of the night not being able to sleep because I have so many worries on my mind. It's true, things may not always seem as they appear
