D14 came over for my belated birthday dinner last night. I picked her up from her basketball practice and she was unusually chipper and animated about getting to see her brother (who apparently she doesn't run into at school) and my sister's dog. I got the impression she might be a bit nervous about how she would be received at the house and by me but everything was pretty chill.
After dinner, I took the opportunity to sit down with her for a talk. Initially, I thought it might go sideways as she was sitting on an office chair and twirling around and didn't seem in the best frame of mind to have a real conversation. I waited her out for a bit though and eventually was able to get her to the non-spinning couch for a face-to-face talk. There is too much to really document here but I basically helped her consolidate some of the memories she had when she was younger (she remembers sleeping in some woman's basement on a blow-up mattress with her brother on a couple of occasions... her dad's "friend"). I'm not sure when that would have occurred. The only thing I can think of is that it may have been during one of my trips to Vegas with my sister or one of my weekends with her or when I was looking after my mom. She also remembers her dad and I being affectionate with one another and not really understanding how he could be that way with me and still be cheating on me. I just did my best to explain to her that sometimes two situations that seem to be in opposition can both be true (i.e. my dad cared about this other person and also my mom at the same time).
We discussed how finding out about her dad's affair had impacted me when it first happened and how I had tried really hard to protect her and her brother from my feelings but that I know I wasn't always successful at it. I told her I was sorry if I had ever said or done anything that made her feel like she was caught in the middle and that I 100% wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad and her stepmother and not worry about my feelings. We also talked about how difficult it is for her and her brother to pick up and move every week but that neither her dad nor I could think of a better arrangement where she would still get to see each of us regularly and vice versa. She said she understood and that once in awhile, it is just nice to stay put for a couple of weeks. I told her we could maybe plan for that on occasion but that she isn't going to be using either parent's home to escape from conflict and that she needs to learn how to resolve conflicts with her family members when they occur.
She told me that whenever we get into a conversation about sports or anything along those lines, she always thinks I am mad at her and that is where the "pressure" she feels comes from. I reassured her that nine times out of ten, I'm not mad at her at all and that I really want her to check in with me if she thinks I am. I gave her the exact sentence to say..."Hey mom. It feels like you are mad at me. Are you?" and we practiced it...lol. She has agreed she will try to ask me that from now on and we discussed the danger of making assumptions in relationships and how that can often make tiny problems into really big ones. [Her dad and I being Exhibit A.]
Anyway...it was a really, really productive talk and one that I think was long overdue. At the end, she gave me a big hug, told me she loves me and then asked if she could go with me on the weekend to test drive the car I ordered so we could spend some one-on-one time with each other. Heck yeah!!! She will be at her dad's still (brother is joining her on Friday) so I texted him to see if it would be okay and he agreed so now I have that to look forward to as well as Disneyland.
In other news... some concerns on the XH front. When I dropped D14 off at home, he wasn't there. Turns out he had taken his wife to emergency for pain that is likely related to her liver transplant. He had commented to me a few weeks ago that things were "grim" on the health front but then last week he told me they had booked a trip to Mexico in March so not really sure what the truth is these days. Regardless, I have my fingers crossed that it isn't too serious. I don't wish poor health on her or anyone for that matter.
