(((MVG))) Sorry that your XW isn't pulling her weight. I admire your attempts at involving her more but am not surprised you've had no success. Her moving one town away is a clear message she only wants to be as involved as her conscience dictates she should. That is really sad for your boys and sounds like they are with the right parent. People with NPD do not make great parents as sooner or later, they are called upon to sacrifice their needs for their kids and this is something they aren't willing to do.
My sitch is similar to yours in that my XH was secretly living with OW while we were married and became engaged to her before he even admitted to me she was his gf and not a "roommate" that he barely knew and only moved in with post-separation because he couldn't find anything else [insert eye roll emoji here]. They got married last summer. I think it is unlikely we will ever be one big happy family celebrating events together. It would be one thing if he and I had divorced for a different reason and he had met her afterwards but given how things happened, that's not a road I can see myself going down anytime soon, if ever. The good news is that my XH is way more interested in being an involved parent than he was when we were married so we have been able to establish a very amicable co-parenting relationship. I still don't trust him completely but my kids are doing well in both homes so I have no concerns.
Amicable co-parenting aside, I totally get the loneliness aspect. I am lucky in that I have a lot of support from my sister and her husband but it is not the same as having a partner. TBH, I'm not really missing a partner in terms of sharing childcare responsibilities but definitely when it comes to intimacy and having someone to spend time with when the kids are at their dad's. I've done a lot of OLD. Still looking for someone who makes my heart skip a beat AND who has their sh*t together and can fit into my life. It's proven to be a lot more challenging than I ever would have anticipated BUT I still have hope it will happen one day. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.
Anyway...take heart...your kids are not going to need you to the same extent indefinitely. My kids are 14 now and are at an age where they can help with household chores and entertain themselves a lot more. I am still very involved in their day-to-day but not nearly to the extent that I was. Your youngest is 8 now? I'd say you have about three or four more years and then the pressure will start to ease significantly. You're only 43 which is really not THAT old. I was 50 when my BD happened and my kids were 10. You have lots of time to find the partner you are looking for...if it's not the person you are with currently. Speaking of her sitch...the one big happy family situation wit her ex is also time limited. Once their kids hit their teens, they aren't going to be so interested in spending time with their parents and will be more focused on their friends.
Hang in there MVG... you've got this. You're already more than half way there. (((HUGS)))
