7 1/2 years later...I'm trying

[Dawn70]

@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.

That makes sense. If there's no obvious issue, e.g. the custody schedule, it sounds like you've done what's reasonably within your power to repair the relationship. Some people are just contrary.

The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

Great point, CW! This is spot on. A family unit doesn't always look like the romantic image of mom, dad, 2.2 kids, a house, a dog, and a picket fence, but that doesn't make the reality any less a family.

As far as doing things with ex spouses, I have attended family gatherings with mine, but he moved far away so I don't see him regularly. I can be friendly when we are face to face, but I wouldn't seek him out. Having said all that, our children were adults when we split, so co-parenting has never been an issue. My parents divorced when I was 25 and have a VERY amicable relationship, still to this day, spending holidays together with us as a family and being there for each other. That is what my XH wanted, but as I pointed out to him, I'm not nearly the woman my mother is and he's absolutely not even close to being the man my daddy is, so not happening.

You mentioned being an adjunct. Maybe you could find a college kid who would be willing to help out with kids or light housework or whatever for a little extra money. College kids on my campus are always trying to pick up extra money.