@LH19 I think it's healthy? For her kids? Yes? I have no idea. I realize that this is totally on me, that my jealousy and probable insecurity with it has nothing to do with her at all. I get that. It just [censored] watching the person you want to share your life with, struggles and all, get to share it with their ex. Meanwhile, my ex told S11 a few weeks ago about a bad math test score, "You and daddy can figure it out, you're with him during the week"
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.
That makes sense. If there's no obvious issue, e.g. the custody schedule, it sounds like you've done what's reasonably within your power to repair the relationship. Some people are just contrary.
Originally Posted by mvg
The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.
I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.
Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:
I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.
Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:
@traveler. You are 100% right and I'm very much aware of that. I've been a single parent since my youngest was 1 year old, it's lonely and exhausting. Yes, my boys and I are very much a family, but you know what I mean. I very much want a partner to share my awesome life with. My life with the boys is great, it really is, but an adult partner to share it with is something I really want and it took me a long time to say that out loud with out feeling needy or guilty.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
What about hiring a high school kid to come in the afternoons and do laundry or watch the kids while you run an errand or help them with their homework? Or at least hiring a cleaning lady to come in twice a month to take that off your plate?
As for the current girlfriend - are you really just jealous that she has a coparent to share the load, or are you suspicious that she's not done with her ex? Does she help with your kids when hers are at her ex's, or are you not at that point in the relationship yet where you're introducing her into your kids' lives?
@traveler. You are 100% right and I'm very much aware of that. I've been a single parent since my youngest was 1 year old, it's lonely and exhausting. Yes, my boys and I are very much a family, but you know what I mean. I very much want a partner to share my awesome life with. My life with the boys is great, it really is, but an adult partner to share it with is something I really want and it took me a long time to say that out loud with out feeling needy or guilty.
MVG I think I am confused. I thought you were talking about having an amicable co-parenting arrangement with your exw. Now I am not so sure.
A few weeks ago I started to think about hiring someone in the afternoon, especially when S11 started to bring home real homework and needed 1:1 attention. I started with a cleaning company about a two years ago, 2x a month, that helped for sure.
She's had 7 years divorced, just like me. I think any jealousy I may have that she's not done with him is probably my own stuff to deal with from my XW, so I dismiss it (or try to) pretty quickly. I don't think I have the skills to decipher between a good co-parenting relationship and "too much" if that makes sense. She doesn't only bc our schedules don't really line up that way and also, her schedule is very fluid with her ex. They live a few blocks from eachother and are constantly dropping off, picking up, etc. She's been twice during the week for dinner when she's been free.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
. I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.