I am sorry for what you are going through El, no one deserves this.
Yes, the whole sitch is messed up and will never make any sense. Trusting, loving opening your heart again, all things I am questioning right now. Told my girlfriend the other day that I must have bad taste in men. Can I even trust my own judgement anymore? Lots of questions rolling around inside my head this morning.
Why would I even want him back? He is emotionally immature, I see this when I look back. Always great with his job, but when it came to being at home or with his friends, different person. Could never sit still, always had to be the one to plan the party, or the fun. Like with our pool, I am happy to grab a good book and just float around, with just the sounds of nature. H, had to have a TV our there or the radio blaring, always coming up with games to play. He always had problems just sitting with himself, being still so to say. Pretty sure he has ADHD.
The drinking, not as bad as it is right now, but its always been there. I think he has been self medicating for years. Many a vacations I had to babysit him if he got too drunk. His last and 4th DUI that cost us $15000, totally irrsponsible, and disrespectful to our M, to me and to himself. He was lucky he did not lose his job. We could have lost alot more if he would have gone to jail.
I had a miscarriage on my birthday, years ago. He dropped me off, cuz he had to go bowling that night, had his mom pick me up. He says now that is his biggest regret in live, but WTF. He has had issues for many years, always putting himself first. He was loving towards me, and treated me good, but, by no means was he perfect. Who is right? Just some thoughts this morning.
Always thought that because we were never able to have children that either one of us really ever matured. Him more so, I always felt like I had to be the adult, the responsible one. I just excepted that as our dynamic. We were just enjoying life, having fun, we were both still being responsible.
DnJ, thank you, Be better not bitter, I love that. Your words always feel like a great big hug for me. Wise and comforting, and gives me alot to think about and look inward. So many emotions that I am going through right now, that only folks that have gone through this can understand and speak to. Trying to talk to anyone about this, they think your crazy, because what they are doing is.. Hard to explain the split person that I have seen when he is telling everyone he is just fine.
I am greatful for everyone here, thank you all for going on this journy with me. I have to run, appointment this morning.
Hugs to all Stella...meow
Yikes 4 DUIs. That's jail time for sure here.
So I am personally not a big MLC guy like your Hs therapist. I do believe it is a component of all long term marriages ending though. At some point I think between ages 40-50 every asks themselves "Is this all there is to life?". People who healthy and have come from healthy families will internally work though their $hit. People who are not healthy/mature will look for their more/happiness externally. It's unfortunate because you have absolutely no control over it and you are left picking up the pieces.
I am glad that you understand it is a journey and you may just find not a bad one at all.
