Husband MLC? need help#2

[DnJ]

Hello Stella

I like hearing the story behind a person’s screen name. Stella was and is special; one of a kind. Read that, clearly. Kitten and you (Stella). Special. Never to be another.

I am in pain right now, I miss him, but he has done so much damage to me emotionally, mentally, he abandoned me. How am I going to feel about that in say, 6 months. How do I process that in a healthy way?

Time. Focus on you. Be better not bitter.

Feelings are fleeting. You will feel differently. Without doubt.

Use the gift of time to continue to move forward. To do your inner work. To grow and heal from this horrible event and pain.

A healthy way. Grieve. Let go. Allow yourself to feel and understand; to accept. Be prepared, and realize, this is a long road, like years. The stages of grief all have different emotional responses within one’s self.

Denial is a mechanism to protect our psyche. It hides knowledge of certain events that would be too much to handle all at once.

Anger and we lash out. One is down right mad at what has happened. The loss of control, the loss of dreams, etc. Loss hurts, and we blame, and therefore get angry. Fate and God usually get a pretty big blast somewhere along this path as well. So do friends and family that don’t really deserve such an emotion directed towards them. And of course, we are anger at ourself too. All that slowly comes out as the veil of denial is lifted over the next while.

Bargaining usually happens once the anger has burnt out and we can feel a bit more clearly. This stage is a strange one. It is the last ditch effort in attempting to hang on to how it was. To keep that pre-loss emotional connection and pre-loss feelings alive. One bargains with God plenty. One bargains with themselves. “God, I’ll stop drinking forever if you just bring back my spouse.”

Depression follows bargaining. With the emotional realization that - no, things ain’t going back to normal - one becomes depressed. This is pretty deep depression for these types of loss. It’s dark and full of sorrow and seems quite inescapable and ceaseless.

Eventually the dark clouds part and light shines through. Acceptance starts and takes hold. It flourishes and grows.

This process takes time. And it will take as long as it takes. Everyone is different. Everyone has different coping mechanisms, life experiences, upbringing, and histories with grief and loss.

The stages are listed in this certain “common” order. However they can, and do, occur in a nonlinear fashion. No matter the loss, denial happens first then grief continues. Stages occur in whatever order needed, and can circle back and repeat (even denial can repeat) as necessary until one finds acceptance. A person can also be within two or more stages at the same time. In fact that is pretty common as things are unveiled bit by bit and will be at different points along being processed.

It is also possible to get stuck within a stage. Denial is a common trap for very hurt minds. Think of our MLCers, they are denying a lot of reality. Depression is another candidate for getting stuck or lost within. It’s counterintuitive that the best progress happens when one doesn’t greatly focus upon it.

This is really a journey of our subconscious. Our emotions. Finding acceptance, which is basically emotional understanding. That lives within the subconscious self. Our conscious controllable thought and actions influence that path and journey.

I don't know, I don't know if this is something I can forgive, I think I can, but is that my pain talking? My fear? The loss of our dreams?

A subconscious journey. One you can influence.

You control three things, and only three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Thoughts and physical action influence and shape your emotions and beliefs. (Recall my smile / frown demonstration.)

It is totally fine and normal to not know right now. My goodness, for a long time it was “I don’t know”. It starts with understanding and realizing. Like you said, I think I can.

From a guy further along the path: Yes, absolutely, you can forgive! I completely believe that. I live it.

That takes to know, and more time to believe.

That inner work, strengthen beliefs that serve, craft one’s you aspire to, and discard/alter those that do not serve.

Pain and fear do have influence upon you. They do not rule you. You control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. You can let go of fear. And you can work through and accept the pain.

I know you are reading my threads, have you reached my talking about fear? It starts (if I remember) - You find yourself curled up on the floor, eyes closed tight.

My path focused on understanding, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. I found acceptance, forgiveness, peace, and contentment. I focused on living in the light.

There is another acceptance which is less uplifting. An acceptance based upon just resigning to how it is, rather than living a great life.

Work through the anger, and let it go. Do not carry it forward. Craft and find good noble headings and beliefs, and follow them when all seems dark. Become. Truly become you. The path you have found yourself upon is an incredible opportunity. An opportunity very few people ever get, even fewer see, and even fewer follow. Walk it well and you will live great.

I don't know yet, I would need time to figure out who I am now. I am not the same person I was before BD1, thats for sure. Right now I just feel like a shell of my former self, lost and confused. I do love H and still believe, in my heart, that there is a way, but I do not like MLC H.

It’s ok, and quite possible, to love H and yet not like him.

Take your time and find you. Become whole and healed.

At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever love the way I have in the past, ever again. That pure, trusting, naive love that existed before BD. I know I would never marry again. How do you ever feel that depth of love and trust again, after going through, being in, this?

I once stood right where you are today. I felt the same. Thought the same. And believed the same.

Some advice. Keep your heart soft and squishy. Do not harden to the hurt and pain. Do not construct walls to protect and hide your heart and self.

I love.

I really do. I love again. I trust again. I have that ability.

Love and trust comes from within, not from others nor their actions. When you heal, really heal, you will be amazed at how you feel, how you think, and how you believe.

Have faith.

D