I want to speak a little to the end of my last one.
Don, i get what you are saying. It is sad and it is frustrating and I see what you are saying . I have actually overdone many areas of my life that were exceedingly difficult . And have become somewhat successful. Just not in relationships. I did spend much time in therapy working on why o accepted what I did from my ex. My father left to be with his then girlfriend. My mother was literally falling apart and losing her mind. I have no siblings. I was 19 and I was watching my already u stable life crumbling further. I was afraid, depressed, desperate. And there was my douchebag in shining armor, lol. I was afraid to be totally alone in this world. I was willing to pick up whatever someone would throw me. I cling to the pathetic crumbs he through me like life. Because I was terrified.
As time went on, I did just want to possibly recreate the family I never had and security i never had. It was a pattern that followed me with my ex and subsequent relationship. And completely backfired. I just ended up alone on the end. I came off probably as desperate and “fake” to some . I can see that now .
Now I am much much more discriminating . Almost too much. After M, my very last chance at love and family rolled into one, I can’t connect. One little red flag and I run. Is it good or bad? No clue. The pendulum swing the other way. For the life of me, I can’t figure out this relationship thing. I do know, when I love, it’s with all my heart. It’s not just to gain the security. It’s because I want to give all this love inside of me. I know my love is real when I do give it. I know it comes off as fake w sometimes too. At the end of the day I want someone to genuinely be there for me as I am them. I will love them even when things are sh!t. And it will be returned.
MLXer: my ex did not love genuinely. He also did what he did for gain. My engagement ring was a little pricey and beautiful. I didn’t actually ask for that. I have a picture of a design I liked, but he got me a nice rock. But I did realize he did that because it was a reflection of him. His gifts to me , were always a reflection of him. I understand what you are saying .
I have some pretty solid relationships . I am the caregiver at work. Everyone comes to me personal or professionally. Each of us nurse case managers work with a social worker. Me and mine are like besties. We take care of eachother . We feed eachother healthy. We confide in eachother, we give positive reinforcement at work and personally. We are completely and wholly honest with eachother. She is like the best most honest at vulnerable true relationship i have, believe it or not . I know i am capable, lol. Every other pairing on the units envy our professional and personal relationship.
I just can’t get it right with a guy . I don’t know. In other news. My dad and stepmom have been great. We bought a new really nice couch last night ( won’t be here until may) he isn’t comfortable on the one I have so he purchased a new one. I offered to pay every other payment. He won’t take take it. My kitchen counters were installed today and they are incredible . Some plumbing issues, but my dad took care of it . Next 2 days will be backsplash. My kitchen is amazing .
My ex MIL needs to access transportation for her PT appointments and I know what to do and how to do it. I said I would take care of it, just send me some info. I’m happy to help her. He is taking my dog for my 2 trips. This weekend I will be at an indoor water park with D and her BFF. I will be chillin in the hot tub alone with my beverage and a book. I love the part where she is old enough to do her thang. I’m 4 weeks I will be in FL for my Friends baby shower. First baby at 41. ( she turned 41 today) she’s a beautiful story of making a huge move and finding love . It’s an inspiration.
And my D called me excitedly from school today. She’s been asked to do honors geometry next year. She’s got her dads math brain but always underestimates herself. She was so dam proud of herself and I’m so proud of her . I might also have her an opportunity to shadow an occupational therapist at work. We figured out that might be a path she wants yo pursue . And I convinced her to go to her old stomping grounds and ask for a job. She grew up at the local boys and girls club for after cate, before cAre and summer camp. They loved her and one members retirement speech included her honor watching D grow up. They assured her she would always have a job there . Oddly enough, one of the before after care workers is now a nurse on my unit and remembers her fondly. She was gunshot about going back, but she asked for some $50 workout leggings today. I offered to split them with her if she goes back and asks for a job. She agreed .
I’m killing it some areas of my life, and failing at others . Que ser a ser a
Last edited by job; 02/18/2202:10 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
