This whole process is such m#ndf*ck isn’t it? Even today I still think of my Orig-H…knowing that he is not real. Or gone, or buried. I did love him so much. It really is hard to see the history, the experiences, the love come to this. And to realize someone we idolized and loved could be so cruel and heartless. My H had been cheated on himself, twice (his XW…mom to his kids and another GF not long after that). H almost killed himself over it. Yet, he did the same cruelty towards me. All after I ‘saved’ him according to everyone around him. I feel used. I feel used to raise his kids. Then tossed aside like an old shirt. I agree with you…I think it will be very hard for me to be open and free with love in the future. This experience has affected me. Hardened me. Of course I realize that not everyone out there is to be feared. But now I no longer have trust in my own judgement and not sure I want the risk of ever being hurt this awfully again. Of course, this is where I am today. I try to realize I may feel completely different in a year or more. Sadly, this is my second divorce. I definitely have lost faith in marriage.
Now, we both have to take care of number 1. Ourselves. No one will do it for us. We can’t trust any of the nice things they say about taking care of us. We gave them our hearts and they didn’t keep their word. I truly hope your H comes to his senses and comes back to you someday. But like mentioned above, you make sure he proves it, earns it, and it’s not an easy path. You want to know he is fighting for it against all odds…so that maybe you can trust it. I’m so sorry Stella. You invested even more years into him than I did in my H.
None of this is fair. But no one can take our lives away from us. We still have ourselves inside. We still know who we are, that we lived in grace, did our part, that we tried, that we showed up. The failure of our MR is on them. At least we can sleep better at night knowing that. We may not see the pain in them and they may be pretty good at distracting themselves from it sometimes, but at some point it will be impossible to deny. They will have to face the harm they have done and the loss of someone who truly loved them. They will realize what they had. But even if that takes forever, we can’t just sit here and wait. We need to move forward and go after our best lives. Letting them completely destroy us would give them even more. They don’t deserve that. I refuse to do that. The best revenge is the best life lived right? Let’s reach for that.
Stay strong. Don’t fall for the crumbs of manipulation. Only believe when the signs are so strong there is no denying he is trying. Right now, I think your H is trying to keep you hanging and trying to make sure you don’t take him to the bank. Neither of that is love. That’s called self preservation.
Hang in there.
El
PS. I love cats too. I have one. She is a little feisty. Sorry you lost your Stella.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
