Deja, I will not adjust my plan, I will continue to move forward with D, even though I do not want to.
I will not be plan B, and I would not allow H to move from OW's back home, if that ever comes up. He would need to find somewhere to live for some time.(6mth to 1year) I know that I want him to come home now, but I also know that would end with more pain. And I can not take anymore pain and rejection. H would have to do all the work to convince me that he would never do this again and that we are truely what he wants. Besides being "nice" to me and wanting to keep me on the phone today, his actions do not show any sign of him making any moves, except towards D.
And as much as I want him back I know that I have to work this all out myself. I am in pain right now, I miss him, but he has done so much damage to me emotionally, mentally, he abandoned me. How am I going to feel about that in say, 6 months. How do I process that in a healthy way? I don't know, I don't know if this is something I can forgive, I think I can, but is that my pain talking? My fear? The loss of our dreams? I don't know yet, I would need time to figure out who I am now. I am not the same person I was before BD1, thats for sure. Right now I just feel like a shell of my former self, lost and confused. I do love H and still believe, in my heart, that there is a way, but I do not like MLC H.
I have done and said everything I could possible do to try and save our R and M. There is nothing more I can do, but listen, watch and process. He knows how I feel and where I am, the ball is H's court, he needs to be clear on the life he wants. He needs to address his demons. If that ever happens is still to be seen, I pray that he gets healthy, he really was a wonderful man before this all happened. I don't want MLC H back, and now I know what that looks like as I have seen it for the last 8 months since BD1. Living with him for the 6 months after BD1 was painful, I will not go back to that. It was mostly a nightmare with a few nice moments sprinkled in, while I held on for dear life hoping he would get better. He had breif moments, and I mean breif... of clarity during that time. I was in denial during that time, I am not in denial now. I can not live like that ever again. I know what I want in a R and I will not settle for anything less.
Our R was not perfect, I put up with alot from H, that I don't think he sees, heck I didn't see it, but I was happy. I want love, pure, true, deep love. Is that possible with H??? Now that he has damaged us/me so much??? I want respect, can I ever respect him again?? With his actions, he dosent respect me. I want to feel joy and happiness again. Can we/I ever feel that again after knowing what he is capable of doing? I want honesty and transparency, after all of the lies and deceit, can he ever be honest again? He would have to be completly transparent, can he do that?
At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever love the way I have in the past, ever again. That pure, trusting, naive love that existed before BD. I know I would never marry again. How do you ever feel that depth of love and trust again, after going through, being in, this? I am so disappointed in H's actions, what he did to my heart and soul, I don't think he will ever understand the depth of damage he has done to me.
I don't know if he has it in him to make a come back, to right his wrongs. I pray he does, even if he does not come back to me. The man I knew and loved would have never done this. He is not that man anymore, if he is he buried him deep, deep inside somewhere. Add the drinking into the mix... he is a mess right now. Don't know if he see's how damaged and emotionally unhealty his is. Right now, IMO, I don't think he is looking inward enough yet. I think he is so caught up in his A, and partying, to see anything else. I think a part of him is feeling some loss of our M, but he is still justifing it because he is "in luv". At one point he told me that our M was more important, more valueable than his A, but his actions say not.
From the outside, its easy to see that they are using each other, to get through whatever it is they are both dealing with. Its actually sad. Two broken people hurting the ones that actually truely love them. Maybe someday they will see what they are doing....I don't know. Right now it dosen't look that way.
But I will continue to hope, because I still feel love for H, still feel connected. A girl can dream, right?? But I will do it from a distance. As I said, nothing more I can do. Any steps back toward me have to come from him. He has a long road home if he chooses to take it.
Stella
PS ; Stella was actually the name of my 2 year old kitten that passed away this last summer, unexpectedly, fluck heart condition. She was a special little girl, full of spunk and mischief. Some how she figured out how to jump up and balance herself on top to open doors. Always had to get up as high as she could in every room in the house. She had quite the personality for such a young cat, H loved that little princess, she was a Daddys girl. There will never be another Stella, I miss her too.
