After living pay cheque to pay cheque for years, XH and I were debt free and had been for about ten months when I found out about his double life. We finally had the money to travel and were looking at an early retirement. Not anymore.
It's amazing how many of our stories are similar.
We nearly went bankrupt in 2003 but pulled together as a family to pull ourselves out of it.
Fast forward to a couple of years pre-bomb-day and the kids were launched (one bounced back to live with me for a few years), we went on nice all-inclusive beach vacations that she liked - paid for in cash, paid cash for a new roof, both driving new cars. I remember just a few months before bomb-day - so she was probably already on the edge of her affair, dropping a couple of thousand on a new bed. She was so shocked that we could just do that.
As such things go, I got off pretty light in the settlement. I was able to keep my pensions but had to make a substantial cash payout. I'm making monthly payments to her that are about 20% of my income but probably 50% of her's so when those stop in 2 years that will undoubtedly hurt. She has as far as I can tell a more modest lifestyle than when we were married and has bought a small house with OM - probably using the support money to pay for it.
It is true that generally women / the lower income person (she worked retail) make out worse post divorce. I do know that she was bragging to her friends about her fella's ample money to her friends (before bomb-day) - that seems to have not worked out. I know the things she likes, nice cars, big house, trips to warm beaches and she has none of that now. Me - I've got a nice cat, money in the bank and self respect.
You'll get there Stella. One key piece of advice that a friend gave me was to treat the financial part as a business deal. What is best for you short and long term and what sort of deal you'll be able to get. Knowing the buttons that the other person will be responsive to helps a lot. I spent a lot of time doing my best to bite my tongue during negotiations (I was the only one with proposals) knowing her anger issues and the fact that she was playing the victim in all this. So (with two very satisfying exceptions) I avoided the buttons that would set her off and offered things that salved her ego and perhaps conscience.
As far as most lawyers go, remember this is just another day in the office for them. They have forms and guidelines and will just fill them out and rubber stamp them so pay attention and make sure you get what you need.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
