DV, I love how you handled the VP. To me, his desire to continue pursuing you because he sees your value despite the long odds is romantic. I hope a spark follows since you both want it. If not, sounds like good friend material.
Thanks all. Felt really good to fess up. I was really happy to hear we are on the same page as it completely took away the pressure I was feeling. His response confirmed that he is the quality person he seems to be. Definitely worth investing in a third date. So who knows…
D14 came over for my belated birthday dinner last night. I picked her up from her basketball practice and she was unusually chipper and animated about getting to see her brother (who apparently she doesn't run into at school) and my sister's dog. I got the impression she might be a bit nervous about how she would be received at the house and by me but everything was pretty chill.
After dinner, I took the opportunity to sit down with her for a talk. Initially, I thought it might go sideways as she was sitting on an office chair and twirling around and didn't seem in the best frame of mind to have a real conversation. I waited her out for a bit though and eventually was able to get her to the non-spinning couch for a face-to-face talk. There is too much to really document here but I basically helped her consolidate some of the memories she had when she was younger (she remembers sleeping in some woman's basement on a blow-up mattress with her brother on a couple of occasions... her dad's "friend"). I'm not sure when that would have occurred. The only thing I can think of is that it may have been during one of my trips to Vegas with my sister or one of my weekends with her or when I was looking after my mom. She also remembers her dad and I being affectionate with one another and not really understanding how he could be that way with me and still be cheating on me. I just did my best to explain to her that sometimes two situations that seem to be in opposition can both be true (i.e. my dad cared about this other person and also my mom at the same time).
We discussed how finding out about her dad's affair had impacted me when it first happened and how I had tried really hard to protect her and her brother from my feelings but that I know I wasn't always successful at it. I told her I was sorry if I had ever said or done anything that made her feel like she was caught in the middle and that I 100% wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad and her stepmother and not worry about my feelings. We also talked about how difficult it is for her and her brother to pick up and move every week but that neither her dad nor I could think of a better arrangement where she would still get to see each of us regularly and vice versa. She said she understood and that once in awhile, it is just nice to stay put for a couple of weeks. I told her we could maybe plan for that on occasion but that she isn't going to be using either parent's home to escape from conflict and that she needs to learn how to resolve conflicts with her family members when they occur.
She told me that whenever we get into a conversation about sports or anything along those lines, she always thinks I am mad at her and that is where the "pressure" she feels comes from. I reassured her that nine times out of ten, I'm not mad at her at all and that I really want her to check in with me if she thinks I am. I gave her the exact sentence to say..."Hey mom. It feels like you are mad at me. Are you?" and we practiced it...lol. She has agreed she will try to ask me that from now on and we discussed the danger of making assumptions in relationships and how that can often make tiny problems into really big ones. [Her dad and I being Exhibit A.]
Anyway...it was a really, really productive talk and one that I think was long overdue. At the end, she gave me a big hug, told me she loves me and then asked if she could go with me on the weekend to test drive the car I ordered so we could spend some one-on-one time with each other. Heck yeah!!! She will be at her dad's still (brother is joining her on Friday) so I texted him to see if it would be okay and he agreed so now I have that to look forward to as well as Disneyland.
In other news... some concerns on the XH front. When I dropped D14 off at home, he wasn't there. Turns out he had taken his wife to emergency for pain that is likely related to her liver transplant. He had commented to me a few weeks ago that things were "grim" on the health front but then last week he told me they had booked a trip to Mexico in March so not really sure what the truth is these days. Regardless, I have my fingers crossed that it isn't too serious. I don't wish poor health on her or anyone for that matter.
If things are looking "grim" with the liver transplant, that suggests there might be a problem with rejection - always a concern with organ transplants. It's a fine line - too much immunosuppressant drugs and she runs the risk of dying from an infection; too little and the body will reject the organ. Hardly seems like you would schedule a trip to Mexico if complications were happening, but people do live in denial. Or we also know your ex can certainly lie about things.
Thanks KML. Yeah...I think there are issues with the transplant although I don't know that for sure. XH texted me today to see if I could help him out with transporting D14 to her volleyball as he is gong to be at the hospital "pushing for results". I have no idea what that means. I guess he thinks they aren't helping her in the way that they should?? I know he has had some issues with her doctor here and thinks he isn't on the same page as the doctors who did her transplant and that the medications he has prescribed are causing more problems than they should. Who knows? I don't think this is an easy illness to deal with as a patient or a doctor. It's high risk no matter how you look at it.
Seeing him being so involved and concerned about her wellbeing brings up a lot of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, I am impressed by his level of devotion and how supportive he is. On the other hand, I think about how he might have been in our marriage if something like this had occurred with me and honestly, I don't think he would have cared too much. I could picture him just dropping me off at the hospital and then texting me occasionally for updates but that's about it. That is actually really sad for me to think about. About how one-sided our marriage was... at least the last half anyway. I do recall having to go to emergency for an infection following my C-section and I'm pretty sure he took me there and stayed with me. But that was a couple years before he started cheating on me.
Anyway...no point on dwelling in the past or feeling sorry for myself. It is what it is. This whole thing with his wife is really bothering me though. I keep thinking about how I wanted the karma bus to hit him when all of his activities came to light. But this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Yeah, I don’t wish illness on my ex either, but karma has hit him pretty hard in the last few years. As I posted elsewhere, he’s apparently in the hospital for a couple days IV antibiotics for an infection after a skin cancer removal from his ear. Can’t help but think that if we’d still been married, I would have caught and treated it before it got to that point. Oh well, his loss. Hope for his sake he doesn’t end up with a deformed cauliflower ear. His narcissistic self couldn’t handle that, and his hair is too thin and gray to grow out to cover it.
I think about how he might have been in our marriage if something like this had occurred with me and honestly, I don't think he would have cared too much. I could picture him just dropping me off at the hospital
I went in for an angiogram a number of years ago at a hospital about an hour or so away. My wife was going to drop me off and go back to work and come pick me up later. Her boss had to insist that she take the day off.
On the other hand "S" - the woman I dated a while ago - I also went in for an angiogram - caused by the stress of being with her - and she went to CostCo and drained the bank account
Originally Posted by kml
Hope for his sake he doesn’t end up with a deformed cauliflower ear. His narcissistic self couldn’t handle that, and his hair is too thin and gray to grow out to cover it.
It's sad when your ear-hair has gotten too thin for a comb-over
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
