WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (6)

[BL42]

So today marks the two year anniversary of Bomb Day. I have a visceral memory of it...

Lying in bed sick from then-D1 and being contagious staying away from the rest of the family (not COVID, though my sitch closely aligns with the pandemic), now-ExW downstairs making dinner. She oddly got very angry with me for asking benign questions about the illness (she's in the medical field) and planning for then-S4's upcoming birthday party. She came upstairs and asked if I was happy and said she thinks we needed to separate, and I was stunned. Lying in bed sick from D1 I thought at first it was a fight and we'd work through, and then later after the kids went to bed talking for two hours and realizing my life might be coming apart.

Keep in mind this was just two weeks after we returned from what I thought was a very nice happy family vacation and a day after Valentines Day which I brought her flowers, an expensive custom card, and her favorite dessert (though she did nothing to reciprocate). It was also odd earlier that day she asked my mom to watch the kids for an hour even while I was in bed sick so she could get her nails done with her girlfriends, and instead stayed out most of the day. Looking back on it with perspective something was definitely up with her months prior, though we had a very nice weekend getaway for our 6th anniversary in September, I threw her a 35th birthday party for friends and family in October, and Christmas seemed good.

It still seems a bit surreal to me. Seemingly a lifetime ago now (back then the days seemed like months) and I've made good progress, but have to admit I've been riled up a bit and spinning at times in the last week or two, maybe because of the BD anniversary which will forever be associated with Valentines Day (sound familiar Ginger?). Although I can't possibly imagine taking her back at this point (not that she'd even try), I also hate my kids have to bounce back and forth and don't have the family unit they deserve and also if I'm being honest feel embarrassed at times I'm divorced. It feels surreal it "happened to me" for lack of a better phrase, and I wonder what people around town I know think.

There have been a few reminders contributing to my BD anniversary feelings. First, in digging up some work info on my laptop recently I happened upon my notes from the beginning of the sitch and IHS. It took me less than 24hrs to realize something wasn't right, and did tons of research on OM1 and his wife even had my buddy call him and a female mutual friend who worked at the same employer look into him (she would be shocked if he was the guy because he was "unattractive and scummy"). Anyway, it was an odd feeling to see those notes again. Second, I went on an annual trip with high school friends this past weekend (we skipped last year due to COVID) so the last time we went was two years ago a week or two after BD and I didn't really want to go. A couple of the guys commented I seemed to be doing much better (was checking phone logs repeatedly, not eating, all depressed...etc.). Third, video chatting with the kids this weekend while away and D3 takes the phone and runs around saying "this is OM2!" and "this is Ex-MIL!". I smile for her, but felt like a knife in my side and put a damper on the call (I realize not because of D3 - she doesn't know - just my own feelings to process), and it's certainly stirred up feelings of ill-will and desire of karma towards ExW, OM2, and Ex-MIL.

Recently D3 has been asking a lot of questions about "mommy" and how we used to live together and maybe she'll move back together. First, when toweling her off from a bath-time and she asked about the pet dog (lived with me 9 of 11 years) and maybe mommy and doggy could move back into daddy's house so we could all live together. I was admittedly caught off guard and I didn't know how to respond and just said something like "wouldn't that be nice, but that's up to mommy". Not sure if that was the best answer. Second, then a few days later my mom was driving her back from preschool and D3 mentioned she liked "mommy's old house better" and my mom said yes she had been there when daddy lived there and D3 asked several times "did mommy AND daddy live together? Did we all live together in the same house?", which my mom confirmed was true, and that gave D3 pause and then D3 said "I wish mommy and daddy and S6 and me lived all together still in daddy's house". And then yesterday D3 said she wants me to come so I can see her room in mommy's house. So...not sure the best way to respond and answer these items. I try to be honest without making her sad or talking poorly of ExW.

Objectively I'm doing so much better than a year or two ago, but still have emotions to process.

I'm typing this update while waiting for the kids to come back from their dinner night with ExW during my week with them. Life has certainly changed.