valentines day is a holiday i never really liked. it was always just full of pressure. i never wanted or needed anything on that day. i just hate that these events in my life now all have to attached to a date that is shoved in your face every year.
my exH was a big holiday person. he went all out on holidays. the disturbing thing is that it took him 2 freakin’ years to say ILU. but we all know that was a total hot mess from beginning to end. i knew our marriage was over when he didnt seem pleased i arranged for a babysitter so we could go out to dinner and he got me a “friendly” type card and a pair of cotton underwear, lol. i got him a giftcard for a massage.
With M, it was low key, i cooked dinner and he got me a card and flowers and the card was very sweet. and it said “love you” in there . i believe he meant it. but now im tied to that moment and that day.
gifts are not my love language. probably on the bottom of the list.
most guys i dated, including my ex, would not commit. took forever for my ex to even call me his GF. another guy i dated closey couldn't call what we had a “relationship” freaked out kn me when i posted a picture of us on that vacation. made me delete it. was worried about who would see it. these experiences kept me from getting close to men. i wouldnt dream of posting or saying anything unless they took the lead.
i dream of a guy who choses to love me every moment of every day, even when im unlovable. who is proud to call me their girlfriend.
maybe i live in a fantasy land. unfortunately the more time that passed and the older i get, the more impossible it seems. and the more guarded i get. my trust my hope, my vulnerability. its almost gone.
stinks. but i have prepared myself for the life of just me and my dog
