May for kicks I went back and read your first thread. I thought you and I connected pretty well. I related a lot to your situation due to your marital dynamics pre-BD. I am really trying to grow here so if you could point to where I was harsh I'd appreciate it. I really do appreciate your perspective! Thanks for weighing in.
Steve, I did really feel connected to you and you have given me great advice throughout. I can't pinpoint an exact example and I really feel no desire right now to go through my own threads and find something, but perhaps it is because I felt connected to you and respected your advice that it did sting quite a bit when you said to me and/or to others the bits about not taking back a cheater. It wasn't really anything special or different from what you've said to others-- the line between the EA and the PA being very distinct for you and you not really understanding how it would be possible to forgive or live with a spouse who had had a PA. I guess in the end I agree with KC-- there really isn't a need for you to share your boundaries regarding an EA/PA unless you're asked, especially given what almost all of us have been through here. Instead, I might recommend focusing on the poster's own values and boundaries and help them to define where that line might be for themselves, once they can get past the fear and hurt and anger.
Ah, ok, thanks May. I appreciate the feedback. As I've stated in previous messages recently, it isn't that I disagree with ever taking a cheater back. I am not sure how my feelings on PAs got twisted into that. I think it is systemic of our current society to take everything to the extremes. For example, I said KC was one of the worst DBers, but she and Traveler read (and even rewrote it is) as me saying she was THE worst DBer. Not really what I said, but ok, apparently there is no vast middle ground on these things anymore.
I do try to get LBSs to understand, especially those that are religious, that even in cases where their faith is saying "don't D", that the exception is always "unless your spouse has cheated". But I take the feedback that I had become too liberal with my sharing of that. And I can see that. I can also see where my frustration with KC wanting to R with a husband that was living with the OW boiled over into my initial responses to Wayfarer. That WF was patient enough with me to get past that initial reaction is a testament to WF!
So again, I sincerely apologize to you for giving the impression that it is a hard and fast no, never ever try to R with a cheater. That certainly isn't my stance, I do think it is up to the individual, and to the circumstances (thanks Ginger for showing me that!), and no one is to be looked down upon (not that I ever did) if they decide that a repentant cheater is someone they have decided to R with! As I said, I have several in among my family and friends that have done just that and I think no less of them, and in a couple of the cases, am impressed by how much better their relationships are now!
May, WF, you guys were rocks in your situation. I do think you held fast to what you expected out of your Hs in order to return and give R a shot. And I applaud that. Unfortunately, so many LBSs are willing to R at any cost, even with unrepentant cheaters, and I never advocate for that. You two in particular did it right!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
