#19 - Still working through Ring & Piecing

[may22]

May we’ve had some ups and downs for sure. The issue I had in your sitch is that you were forcing the recon and the remorse was there from your h. I think we have the same beliefs regarding keeping the family together. That’s what it was always about for me it was really about her which she probably sensed which is part of the reason I ended here.

Hi LH, I disagree that I forced the recon-- I asked my H to leave multiple times and he refused (though he came very close). He was 100% free to go-- I was just clear that we weren't going to be BFFs afterwards. Maybe that was manipulative, or perceived as such, but I was just being honest. (That was my line in the sand-- not the PA, but the walking out the door.) I know I could have forced a separation by moving out myself, but I chose not to do that. Or maybe he would have decided to move out on his own if I had promised him we'd be besties once we Ded. Who knows. However, I definitely don't think I forced a recon. I don't think that is possible, anyway-- I only control me, I don't control my H, and it takes two to recon. It is true that he wasn't fully remorseful at the beginning, but that has come with time. Patience was the new skill I had to learn. But it was hard feeling judged and told I did not value myself or whatever.

May for kicks I went back and read your first thread. I thought you and I connected pretty well. I related a lot to your situation due to your marital dynamics pre-BD. I am really trying to grow here so if you could point to where I was harsh I'd appreciate it. I really do appreciate your perspective! Thanks for weighing in.

Steve, I did really feel connected to you and you have given me great advice throughout. I can't pinpoint an exact example and I really feel no desire right now to go through my own threads and find something, but perhaps it is because I felt connected to you and respected your advice that it did sting quite a bit when you said to me and/or to others the bits about not taking back a cheater. It wasn't really anything special or different from what you've said to others-- the line between the EA and the PA being very distinct for you and you not really understanding how it would be possible to forgive or live with a spouse who had had a PA. I guess in the end I agree with KC-- there really isn't a need for you to share your boundaries regarding an EA/PA unless you're asked, especially given what almost all of us have been through here. Instead, I might recommend focusing on the poster's own values and boundaries and help them to define where that line might be for themselves, once they can get past the fear and hurt and anger.