Hi DnJ, Yes, I see that I need to do this for me. I have to stop contact with him and hanging on his ever text or call. It just makes me feel worse. I need to leave H alone so I can get controll of my emotions, I was doing good for a bit, and have completly backslided lately...I have to keep reminding myself that I can not force anything with H, he has to do what he is gonna do,. Right now I am letting him drag me.
There is a temp order that my ATTY put together, that pissed of H, so he has now got his own ATTY. So waiting to see what the ATTYs come up with. My ATTY asked for 50% of H's income going back to December and that he pay all the bills for the house, and keep my insurace coverage till D is final. Also for a appraisal of the house and H's extensive sports memorabilia collection. H is trying to tell me that everything in the house is worth more than his collection. (not true) I do not think he understands what assets means. My kitchen table, towels, housewares, are not assets, his collection is a asset as it will increase in value as time goes by. I did not try to explain this to him and will let the ATTYs do that.
The house is paid in full, for now I would like to stay, but not sure how that will be worked out. I am not sure in the long run, with the house. Lots of memories here, we planted every tree, every flower, ever bush in the yard. We created our back yard oasis together. Did all the upgrades in the house to make it into our style, beachy. We loved our beach vacations and it shows in the home. I don't know, will have to wait and see. I just don't know yet. The housing market is crazy right now.
I was permanently laid off on Oct. 2nd, I had a long good paying career, but it was not one I enjoyed. ATTY wants me to hold off on going back to work at this point in time. Being 52, I am finding it hard to find employement anyway. I will have to dumb down my resume somehow, as I want to find a easy job where I am not in charge of anyone but myself. The plan was for me to not work anymore of work part time, so we could start enjoying more time together. We had set everthing up to work so H could retire within the next 5 to 8 years. But now, thats all gone.
I do enjoy reading, but have not been reading for pleasure, my books are all love stories, not really in the mood for those. I want to join the local gym, should be ready to start working out again in another week. I also love to work outside in the yard, but that is covered with snow right now..I will have alot of work to do once the snow melts, so that should keep me busy. H& I always loved putzing around outside together... ugh... I used to enjoy golfing before the pool went in, but I had a herniated disk a few years ago that stopped me from golfing and bowling. But I want to go to a driving range in spring to see if how my back responds.
My brother is a avid camper and has asked me to go this summer. To be honest I am more of Spa resort kinda girl, but I did grow up in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin so being a outdoor nature girl is still in my blood. Anything to get out and do something different.
Spring and summer will bring some much need distractions from all of this. I really really really do not want the D to go through. I know its just a piece of paper, but to me its means more than that. I know that I can not back off on it and I have to let it move forward. But I hope H stops it, or postpones it before the final court date on June 6th. But one day at a time, right.
Try sudoku puzzles, or crosswords. Anything to get your monkey mind to stop spinning to what he will or won't do in the future. What their relationship is or is not.
Don’t hope for the divorce to drag out - the sooner it’s done, the better settlement you will get, from what I’ve seen. The divorce is just business. That piece of paper has no power over whether you reconcile or not.
Good Morning, well afternoon now, Thanks DnJ I have not contact H yesterday or today. One of my girlfriends had to pick up her H from my H's superbowl party yesterday and said that only about 8 people showed up to the party at the bowling alley. She said alot of people do not approve of what H is doing. But whatever, his circus. This was H's favorite day, and we used to put on quite the shinding, hard to think that he is ok with walking away from everything....
I want to talk to H, but I know it will do me absolutly no good, I will not get the answers from him that I want, it will not change what is. I am so sick of feeling sad all the time.
Remember - one day at time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if you have to.
And if you slip, get back up and start over again.
We all had those times when all we could manage was just a bit at a time. It gets easier over time.
Build up a fresh confident Stella and let your light shine on.
One of the stories on here that was probably in your "welcome" post was the lighthouse story. It meant a lot to me. And remember, lighthouses do not run all over the island looking for lost sailors
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good Morning, well afternoon now, Thanks DnJ I have not contact H yesterday or today. One of my girlfriends had to pick up her H from my H's superbowl party yesterday and said that only about 8 people showed up to the party at the bowling alley. She said alot of people do not approve of what H is doing. But whatever, his circus. This was H's favorite day, and we used to put on quite the shinding, hard to think that he is ok with walking away from everything....
I want to talk to H, but I know it will do me absolutly no good, I will not get the answers from him that I want, it will not change what is. I am so sick of feeling sad all the time.
he's not able to give you answers because in all likelihood he doesn't have them himself. Andrew is right. One day, minute, second at a time. xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
There is a temp order that my ATTY put together, that pissed of H, so he has now got his own ATTY. So waiting to see what the ATTYs come up with. My ATTY asked for 50% of H's income going back to December and that he pay all the bills for the house, and keep my insurace coverage till D is final. Also for a appraisal of the house and H's extensive sports memorabilia collection. H is trying to tell me that everything in the house is worth more than his collection. (not true) I do not think he understands what assets means. My kitchen table, towels, housewares, are not assets, his collection is a asset as it will increase in value as time goes by. I did not try to explain this to him and will let the ATTYs do that.
I love the strength inherent in this. You are showing, not telling him what divorce will look like and that you are a strong woman who will protect her interests.
Andrew, Yes I printed the lighthouse and just re read it.
B- Yes, talking with him has gotten me nowhere, so whats the point really. He has convinced himself that this is the life he wants, nothing I can do or say will matter. Wanting to talk to him is just me hoping to hear him have some remorse or love back in his voice, which is not going to happen.
He doesn't really think that he is doing anything wrong. "Just fell in love, these things happen" At least thats what he is telling our friends...So frustrating and hurtful that our life or me have no impact on him anymore. Like it just never really ment anything, and I am disposable to him. Just breaks my heart that he has turned away from me, from us. He only is nice or reaches out when OW isn't around or when he is at work and sober.
He responed today, to the email about giving a donation for my nephew, I did not respond no need to.
Thanks Traveler- H said he will make sure I am taken care of, I don't know what he means by that, or what he thinks he means by that. Not sure he really understands what this will actually look like, from a financial point. I hope that yesterdays party he had was a bit of a slap in the face with the lack of attendence and not having his Man Cave or his wife, to host it. OW has started putting in her 2 cents about how we should split our assets. (the same way she is trying to screw over her H) This makes my blood boil, oh how I would love to have words with that POS...I know, I won't...but ughhhh, she pisses me off.....
Rambling/venting
I have been reading The Heats Blessing site, lots of good information on there. I don't feel strong right now. I see that this is going to be a long road, not sure how far I can make it. I have never felt so powerless in my life, and I don't like it. H always had my back and I had his, now thats gone, and I just feel so lost without him. Not sure where I fit in anymore, I was wrapped up in the safety of our M, our life and thats gone. I will never understand how he could walk away from the love we had, that I have for him. How he could choose to be with someone so dishonest, with no morals, no values, just dirty...I know she is a symptom, but its so disappointing that he has turned into such a heartless person and continues to make such horrible decisions every day. For the love of god, when does the new and shiny wear off. And when does this ache in my chest go away, it s been over 10 weeks since he left and I still cry every f-ing day.
the thing is, he probably has this idea of what things are going to be in terms of settlements. the distance between reality and their beliefs is pretty far, from what I've read of others' situations as well as what I experienced myself. Again, the Divorce Remedy chapter on MLC was so very helpful to me during this time. I highly recommend you get the book and keep it handy - do NOT let him know anything about it. This is a resource for you ...
I get it. I really do. I was absolutely devastated when my husband left. He was textbook MLC. It's taken me many, many years for the hurt to lessen. Oh the questions I had - was it all a lie? 26 years? more than half our lives. Did he ever really love me? How could he throw away our home, our family, call the hurt he caused our son collateral damage? Who was this person who looked like my beloved husband but behaved in a way so antithetical to everything he'd ever professed to believe or hold dear? To make matters worse, I'd have these glimpses of my dear husband at the most unexpected times, like he was in there but the alien who took over his body wouldn't let him out completely.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't keep food in my system for the longest time. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived it. But I did, thanks in no small part to the kind folks here. I kept it from my friends except for a tiny few (maybe three) for months. I kept it from my parents for months. I found that once people knew, everyone was full of thoughts about how I should handle it. Well, the truth is, that was how THEY would handle it. I had to figure out what worked for me. It took a while. Getting a life of my own felt so bizarre, but it really helped. Giving myself space and time to really think about what was most important to me helped. Who was I separate from my husband and my marriage? I'm glad I gave myself the time to figure that out. What were my core values? I sat with that for a long time. A couple were obvious and constant, but there were also a couple that I hadn't really considered core values until I really focused on that concept. I deepened my meditation practice to the best of my ability. I allowed myself to grieve. I'm still grieving, but I feel like it's part and parcel of losing my mom two months ago. Losing her and finally being able to fully grieve my dad who passed two years ago has brought up other significant losses, like our marital home and my marriage. The grief around the home and marriage is nowhere near as soul crushing as it was, thank God, but it still must be felt, processed and worked through.
I guess my point is that none of this happens overnight, nor is it linear. You will have moments when you're doing better than you ever thought you could, then you'll have a set back. It's ok. It's normal and all part of the process. We're here for you. You aren't alone. You will be ok. You will get through this. It will be hard, but you will get through it. I promise. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
