No…I don’t think there is anything else going on. Part of it is that her dad lives in our home. Her bestie is two doors down, she has her room and her fish and it is the only home she has known here. When I lived there, she never wanted to go to her dad’s so it’s a bit that.
The moodiness predates Covid. She has been developing an anger towards her brother since puberty hit and even a bit before that. I know she wants me to just agree with her and tell her it’s all him and she’s the better kid but I refuse to do it. She has a part in it and often sets him up to lash out at her. Her dad, I think, buys into the narrative a lot more than I do. She is right about one thing and that is that I do baby my son a bit and I am aware and have been working on it.
S14 has always had an issue with trying new foods (an intense fear leading to numerous meltdowns) which has been a constant worry for me since he was a toddler. Lately, he has been way more open to trying new things and when he does, I go out of my way to reinforce it and tell him I’m proud of him for it so hopefully he will continue to keep challenging himself. D14 HATES that. She thinks the bar I have for her is so much higher than him because I don’t praise her for the same thing. My response to that is, “what bar?” I do not pressure that kid to do anything. We have had maybe two conversations about basketball this past year. where I suggested to her she might want to work on her skills outside of team practice by going to camp, etc… When she has dismissed my thoughts on it, I have told her that I’m just thinking ahead to later years when playing time starts to go to the kids who are the best at it and to be prepared that that she might not be one of those kids if she doesn’t make an extra effort. She told me she didn’t care so I have purposely left it alone all season and not said a word to her about it except for last week when I asked her about camp and she said “no”. In her mind, though, I ALWAYS pressure her about this. It’s just not the case but that’s her reality, I guess. We also had an argument a couple of years ago when I was trying to teach her the proper way to shoot a basketball and she got really upset because she just wanted to do it her way. That was the first and last time that happened but in her mind, it’s always happening. I distinctly remember a conversation with her last year in which she asked me if I would watch her volleyball games if she decided she didn’t want to play basketball. My response was, “Of course. I’m not gonna lie, I always hoped you would love basketball the same way I did but if you don’t and volleyball is what you want to play, of course I will support it.” Yep…I get no credit for that at all. She only remembers the argument we had two years ago and so now I am forever pressuring her no matter what I do or don’t do. I tell her I am proud of her all the time but she doesn’t remember that either.
RE: boys living nearby or her getting away with things at his place. No. I don’t think that’s the case. She talks to me about boys all the time and I know she doesn’t have a boyfriend. This is the one area that she is surprisingly mature about. RE: drugs and alcohol. That’s just not on her radar. She’s pretty vocal about those things not being for her and none of her friends are into it either. Her dad is pretty strict in some ways so I don’t see her getting away with anything under his watch. That’s actually more likely to happen under my watch because I am more trusting than he is just in general.
Is XH badmouthing me to her? He’s guilty of a lot of things, for sure, but I really don’t think that is one of them. It’s more likely that he doesn’t challenge her view of me when she starts talking in absolutes about what I always or never do. That would be hard for him to do, though, as he really doesn’t know what kind of parent I am. He hasn’t witnessed me parenting our children for almost eight years now. He didn’t have to call me on Saturday though or offer to meet with her and I together so I really don’t think he has much to do with this. I don’t think OW says anything to her about me either. The kids have never said anything to me about her that would lead me to believe she talks to them about me. If she did, there is no way S14 would keep that from me. She also doesn’t seem like that kind of person, to be honest.
Anyway…another somewhat sleepless night for me. This feels a lot like when my marriage ended. Feeling very sad this morning.
