I’ll take a stab at it. It’s because you are not dating you are trying to find a long term partner. You know in your mind how that person looks and acts. Within in a few minutes you have unconsciously made a decision. Because you don’t want to hurt anyone and you don’t want to sleep around you end it after the first date.
I’m the same way minus the sleeping around lol. When I OLD and I don’t see the potential finish line I typically end for the woman’s sake. Though in real face to face interactions I’ll do hookups because I feel there are no expectations unless stated before hand.
Question for the guys… if you were going on a third date with someone you were interested in, would you want to know beforehand that they weren’t quite on the same page yet (if ever) or would you rather they just went out with you and if they still weren’t feeling it, talk to you about it at the end of the date?
I'd want to know--more info puts me in the driver's seat if I have other ladies in my queue or other things I could be doing. If she seemed special, though, I'd give it more chances. I don't think you're OBLIGATED to say anything. You're not leading him on, you're allowing more chances for things to develop. He knows exactly how far you two have gotten.
Sigh… why is this dating thing so difficult? When I was in my 30s and online dating had just started being a thing, I clicked with almost every guy I went out with…lol. Now I just go out with someone, have a nice enough time but then don’t care if I go out with them again. I’ve walked away from some really great guys, I’m sure.
In your 30s you were less goal-focused, and more able to enjoy the dating process?
Hmmm…definitely a couple of things to think about.
LH - Never been the kind of person who does hook ups. It’s just not in my DNA. I’ve only slept with one person in my life that I didn’t necessarily see as long term partner material. I hadn’t ruled it out completely but I definitely saw him as someone who was “here for a good time, not a long time” so I didn’t emotionally invest. Still…we dated for six weeks and the last thing he ever said to me was “I should get you a key to my place so you can come over whenever you want” (he lived on the mainland) before he ghosted me. My intuition was spot on with him… but I had a heck of a lot of fun for those six weeks…lol. I have a long established habit of not getting physically involved with someone unless I am in love or think I could be. I don’t get that feeling with VP even though I really want to. I think if I knew he was in the same place as me (on the fence), I would feel a lot better about going out with him again. But I know he is ahead of me in that department which just adds pressure for me to feel something and that just makes me want to run away from the whole thing.
I’ve also never dated more than one person at a time so I feel uncomfortable even talking to more than one person at a time. I swipe right on someone about once a month…maybe. It feels like a lot of effort but then not making the effort, feels like giving up…and I’ve never been someone who gives up.
T - I actually think I was more goal focused in my 30’s…but my goals were different. Back then I was looking for someone to build a life with and have a family. I’m not looking for that anymore. I just want someone I can do things with… travel, go out to dinner, hikes, play golf, tennis, pool, etc… I don’t need to live with someone or get a joint bank account. I’m pretty independent that way. I think my biggest issue is that I don’t want to make another mistake and end up with the wrong person…again. I also really, really, really hate hurting anyone’s feelings.
Very unexpected emotional day for me with D14. She’s been at her dad’s without her brother for a week due to her being over Covid and him getting it. Last week, I was FaceTiming with her and asked her if she wanted me to look for a basketball camp for her for the summer as she has been loving it so much. Her response was “no” and that it is “too much work” and “not fun”. I said okay but that she should be prepared that there will be girls who go to camp and come out of it further ahead of her in the skills department. She said “no problem” and I left it alone. This past week, I’ve had a few FaceTime calls with her and things were fine. Last week, when she went to her dad’s, it was “I love you Mom” and “I love you [brother].” Fast forward to Friday and she texts me to ask if she can stay at her dad’s a bit longer to help her grandmother with the dog and to spend time with her bestie who is leaving next week on a vacation. I say “okay” as long as it is okay with dad but that I wanted her home at the end of the weekend. That night, she texts me to ask if I she can FaceTime me. I say”sure” and she tells me that her high school is going to be putting on a basketball camp and some of her friends are going and could she go. I resisted the urge to say “WTF?” and instead said, no problem. Then, without warning, she makes some comment about her brother and then launches into a myriad of complaints about how much he irritates her and how nice it is to be at her dad’s without him, etc… I have no idea where she is coming from but I basically said that she needs to learn to tolerate people who “irritate” her and work through her differences with people…especially with family member. She then says “gotta go” so I said okay, talk to you later.
Saturday morning I get a text from XH saying, “do you have time for a call?” Oh oh. We have talked on the phone one time since his departure and that was because of a conflict he had gotten into with our daughter and a call from her friend’s parents with concerns that our D had told their D that her dad had scared her and been physical with her. Anyway…he calls and tells me that after getting off of the FT call with her the night before, she had come and found him and was “more upset than he had ever seen her”. He now has great concerns about the state of my relationship with her and thinks that it might be a good idea for her to stay with him a bit longer so she can “cool off” and gain some perspective. He also offers to meet with the two of us to try to help mediate a solution. I initially agreed and then got a text from her a few hours later, sweet as anything asking if she can buy something on her game. Seriously?!?
Anyway… I was up half the night thinking about this and this morning decided I didn’t want to meet with her and XH. So I texted her grandmother (XH was out of town I found out) and told her I would pick D14 up from volleyball and talk with her on my own. So I did and I can’t even tell you how bizarre that conversation was. It felt like when I went to counselling with XH and he was bringing up resentments from six years before that I could not even remember. I pressure her too much about everything. [I ask her to clean her room once in awhile.] I made her go to that basketball club last summer. [I gave her the choice to do it and paid for it when she agreed. I made her follow through with her commitment and she told me a number of times she enjoyed our morning drives together.] I NEVER tell her how proud I am of her. [I do this at least once a week…my sister is my witness.] I don’t listen to her. [She has told me a number of times how lucky she feels to have a mom like me that she can talk to about anything.] When she was little, I watched too much tv. [She is referring to the time when I was commuting two hours a day, working full time, doing all of the housework, all of the child care, all of the grocery shopping, all of the cooking and basically EVERYTHING as XH was out faking medical treatments and had abandoned us. I was extremely depressed and barely hanging onto my sanity.] I baby her brother. [She’s not wrong and I told her so. I am working on that. It is hard when he hasn’t hit puberty and looks like he is 10 years old. Unlike her, however, he is as solid as they come. He’s the same person every day and not moody at all. I can talk to him and when he gets mad about something, he doesn’t hang onto it for years the way she does. He is much more like me in that department.] Oh yeah…and the divorce is somehow my fault too even though it was her dad who disappeared for four years and missed every holiday and special occasion there was in that period of time. Needless to say…because I have NO idea how to deal with this at the moment, I have left her with her dad…likely until we leave for Disneyland.
I talked to her grandmother when I dropped her off. Her grandmother basically told me that she has a number of friends whose daughters went through this “everything that is wrong with my world is my mom’s fault” and that the silver lining was that they all turned into wonderful adults. She then said that XH was a dream to raise and then went through his difficult years as an adult which, in her opinion, was worse. Yeah…no kidding…me and our kids are Exhibit A.
So I don’t know what to do and am inclined to fall back on the “when in doubt, do nothing.” I think 10 per cent of what she said has merit and 90% is just teenage drama and an extremely selective memory. This is beyond unfair [I know…life isn’t fair]. My amazing daughter who thought I was the greatest mom in the world has become this moody, resentful, unforgiving grudge holder who “needs a break” from me and from her brother [but mostly me] and says anytime she ever appeared to be happy with me, she was lying. WTF?!?! I have always, always put my kids needs ahead of my own. Every time she has needed me, I have dropped everything and come running. If she feels sick at school, she calls me to come and get her. If she wants something and it isn’t Christmas or her birthday, she asks me for it. If she needs money, I’m her first ask. And now…”you can’t fix things by buying me stuff”. Anyway…I did my best to validate her feelings and agreed to let her stay with him as there is no way I was going to force her to come home.
I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I have no idea how this happened. When she left last week, things were great and she was looking forward to our trip. This week I am evil incarnate and someone to be avoided. This feels a lot like how my marriage fell apart. She has a list of resentments the same way he did and I have no defence because most of it feels made up or blown way out of proportion.
DejaVu, I'm so sorry you're going through this. That would hit me like a ton of bricks. I agree with your assessment that it's probably 90% teenageryness and 10% things you've done. I hope you can hold onto that thought. You know you're a good mom. You know you've been the one who was there and you made the hard choices and sacrifices. I bet you're missing her tonight. Hang in there. ((Hugs))
I was fortunate to get my kids through puberty with a partner.
From the outside this looks like a fairly typical pushing on boundaries and weaponizing the fact that her parents aren't a united front.
I have no fabulous advice other than to be the sane parent and ride it out.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
oh D! i am so sorry yoi are having to deal with this. as a fellow mother to a 14 year old daughter…… holy sh!t i wasn't prepared! its a constant emotional roller coaster. no matter what i say, im always wrong. she tries to act standoffish to me all the time. and then im “mommy” when she needs kr wants something. my kid had a new found love of basketball and i suck because i didnt “force “ her to play sports against her will as a young child!
we are damned if we do, damned if we dont. teenage girls have this incredible talent of making a mountain out if a mole hill.
and if i were to take a guess, she is projecting how she might feel in other places in life, right on to you. because you are mom and a safe place. she may feel this way about someone else in her life, bjt cant safely express it to them. But sje feels safe with uoi.
im sorry. i wish i could give you a huge hug. ive been told around 19 they swing back around !
Thanks everyone. I’m still trying to come to terms with all of this. As if life hasn’t kicked me enough these last few years, I now have to deal with this. Beyond her issues with me, I’m really, really worried about her lack of emotional maturity [I have given her way too much credit] and her grudge holding. She actually said to me…”If one of my friends said something mean to me two years ago, would you expect me to still be friends with them?” Ummmm…depends what they said but for the most part, yes. People aren’t perfect. If your plan is to divorce yourself from anyone who ever disappoints you, you will be forever looking for new friends and partners. I have a really good friend that I’ve known since we were six years old. I’m sure I got into at least one argument with her every couple of months when we were kids. I remember her throwing a hairbrush at me when we were about ten years old and me kicking her out of my house… and then making up a couple days later…lol. Intuitively, I knew this friend was struggling emotionally so I put up with a lot of moodiness and anger. Fast forward 30 years and I find out she was being sexually abused by her adoptive father (who always gave me the creeps) and her friendship with me and my sister was one of only a few sources of happiness for her growing up so I’m really glad I stuck with her.
I don’t know what my daughter’s issue is [definitely not as serious as what my friend was dealing with] other than she is quite jealous of her brother and thinks I favour him and that I should punish him every time she says he called her a name. I have no doubt that happens but I also see her treating him really poorly when she is in a bad mood and being sweet to him when she wants something from him. He is the same kid every day and has to contend with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and never knows which one he is going to encounter. His experience with her is the same as mine. Sometimes I’m the best and other times I’m the worst and it has very little to do with what I do or say and a whole lot more to do with her mood at the moment of contact.
Really wanted to text her tonight and say goodnight but decided against it. It’s going to be radio silence from me for a bit unless she reaches out to me. I just don’t want to make things worse and give her the space she asked for even though I think it is completely ridiculous. Feels a bit like the inmates are running the asylum but what can I do? I know I’m a good mom. She knows I’m a good mom. She just needs to be mad at me right now and as per usual, I will take one for the team. It’s my birthday on Tuesday. I invited SD22 to dinner so hopefully she can make it. S14 will be there…jury is out on D14. I think she has volleyball so I’m just going to leave it alone.
G - I know your D14 puts you through the ringer too. I recall having a bit more anger towards my mom than my dad growing up but I would never have dreamed of putting her through what D14 is putting me through. Of course, my mom had my dad for back up and I didn’t have to contend with a divorce and having two homes. It’s weird when I think about it. I think I was emotionally a bit closer to my dad (we were a lot a like personality-wise) but it was my mom I talked to every day and who knew the most about my life. I was always a lot more protective of my dad and his feelings. When I was upset about something, it was my mom who got to see it and my dad who got the smile and the “everything’s okay”.
Anyway…I feel like I’m rambling. Have to get some sleep tonight. Back in the office tomorrow and I know I have a ton of work waiting for me. Hopefully I will be able to focus on that and not worry about my daughter. (((HUGS)))
First, it’s normal for teenage girls to separate from their moms by deciding mom is stupid. I didn’t become smart again until my middle child (daughter become my trans son) was in his twenties.
That being said - the abrupt nature of this does make me consider other possible causes:
Is there a boy she likes who lives near H?
Is she getting away with something at H’s she can’t do at home? (Drugs or sex come to mind)
Is your ex or his wife badmouthing you to daughter?
Or - and this will sound far fetched but hear me out - has Covid messed with her brain? Long Covid patients often develop mood issues with out of the blue anxiety or depression. Not as likely as the other things, but possible, since Covid can spread to the brain or cause vasculitis that affects the brain.
