Figured it was time to start a new thread. Realized I am going to be here for awhile. Long story short. H started A November 2020, BD1 June 2021, pretended to work on marriage, never stopped A, just took it undergroung, BD2 moved out December 2, 2021. I filed for D in January 2022. Not what I want... Found this forum and MLC information. H is deep in MLC, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
The way you patiently put this, like your words are the calm in the storm, for me. The pain they are in, that breaks my heart the most. I know he is in pain, he is struggling and lost. Thats what keeps me holding on, when I know I should not. I want to help him to hold him and get past this. I know that I can not do that, I can not help him, no matter how desperatly I want to.
Yes, H is in pain.
When, not if, when you let go of H, do it with that realization.
Let go the desperate desire to fix. Be not vindictive or punitive. Let go, with compassion and understanding, with a loving approach. Be better not bitter.
Remain patient, this takes time.
You are doing amazing Stella.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The more I get into this, the more I see there is no hope, and I struggle with that.
No no no. That isn't what I wanted to convey. I'm sorry if what I wrote came out that way.
Originally Posted by DnJ
There is always hope. Although it does get lost once and a while. Probability is a different matter.
What I had hoped to convey was that the odds are long but not zero.
One person from here who is sadly no longer with us once told me that it doesn't matter what the odds are because even a 1 in a thousand chance has a 1 in it.
DnJ is saying more or less what I'm trying to say, but saying it far better.
You can have compassion and yes, even hope. But you also need to live your life one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
The stories here about reconciliation are indeed few but they are out there. You may want to look for an old friend called Westo. She never gave up hope, worked in being complete in herself and became a stronger person than she was before. Oh and her husband came back I think about 2 years ago and as far as I know they are doing fine although the reconnection was "very" difficult on her.
But as I think you are realizing, you didn't break him and you can't fix him. The only person you can control is yourself. Frustrating isn't it
There's a lot of short phrases that make the rounds here that some find helpful. Another one to keep in mind is "let go or be dragged". DnJ who is probably one of the most compassionate people it's ever been my privilege to know did that himself. He still cares but he's not allowing his xWife's very real struggles to affect how he lives his life. He knows that the path she is on is one set out before her and is not the path that he is on. Paths meander a lot - we never know where they end up. We do though have agency in the choices we make as do our former partners and have the power to determine how we walk those paths but not how others walk their's.
Hope that helps ((Stella))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, Thank you Andrew & DnJ Your words are like hugs to my soul, today.
I am having a bad stretch...feeling sorry for myself, cooped up in the cold of winter, still healing from the surgery, missing H. I have never been a patient person, so this is driving me crazy.
I so look forward to spring and to beable to get outside with out my face freezing off. I will also have a ton to do to get the yard and pool ready for summer. I want to stay in our home, for now, guess I have to wait and see what happens with the D. But I love my back yard and the pool, we have put a ton of work in it.
I know what I have to do, but knowing and doing...god this is hard. I need to focus on me and stop worrying about what H is doing. Thats / he / us, is a hard habit to break. Its hard for me to understand how he can hurt me so bad, old H would never, never hurt me. I need to accept that H is gone now and MLC H totally different person. Self centered, selfish and cowardly running away from himself. I get it, see it, but its so sad, and it hurts. Such a waste of a beatiful life.
My heart aches for you as I also know some of what you are feeling. I’m about a year and a half ahead of you. I remember like it was yesterday the enormous pain and confusion you are feeling right now. Do trust us that it will get easier to deal with. But also be patient with yourself and realize that everything you are feeling is normal and expected. Read enough situations on here and you will see that the journey begins for all of us with confusion, pain and turmoil. Your life and your love as you know it has been snatched away from you in the cruelest way possible.
In my journey I tried to make sense of it all by reading everything thing I could about MLC. I needed to make sense of it so I could fix it. Or justify it. Or explain it. I churned on this for a while. Was my H in a MLC? Seems likely. Is he a covert narcissist? I also think so. Was is affair an exit affair? Possibly? Was he ever the man I loved? I don’t know. Truth is I see my H in all of these scenarios. I was looking for answers but there are not any. I honestly will never know or understand why he did what he did (and is doing), and I’ve had to accept that. I wanted to badly to find the answers so I wouldn’t feel like it was me. I also realized I did try, and I was a good wife. Along the way I realized that I also didn’t have the marriage or relationship I thought I had. So even though the journey ahead of you is hard and scary, it also is one that will help you discover some answers, yes, cause more confusion, yes, but mostly it will help you to discover what you want for your own future. Without your H. Because that is all you can control. That is really the only thing that matters now.
I know you want him back and you want everything to be as it was. But its gone. It’s never going to be what it was again. It’s worse than death in my eyes because the H you see looks like your H and sometimes acts like him, and that is there to remind you of the loss. This is also why detaching is important. You need room and time to grieve. Take it. Feel it and go through it. Know it won’t last forever unless you ignore it. But it’s not an instant thing. There is no established timeline on how long it will take.
I’ve come to the point where I don’t want my H back. Even if he came to me today. Because this person he is today is not the kind of person I want in my life as a friend or H. The OW is a past GF. She left her MR of 29 years. She isn’t attractive, she has all kinds of issues, etc. She is no catch. They both destroyed two families to live their college fantasy. And there is nothing about her that makes sense. But then again, he’s acting from his college days personality. They both are. That castle will fall as its built on lies, deceit and destruction. I have not interfered at all. And I am not speaking yet to her H. I may someday. But right now, I don’t want any part of their fall. I want my H to see for himself the choices he’s made. I don’t do this for any chance of reconciliation. Or revenge. I do it because its the only way that he will fully learn from his own choices. And the part of me that still loves him wants him to learn and grow for himself. Also, it is true that the more you get involved, the more you push them together. So stop talking to the OW’s H. That is getting involved and it also keeps the relationship in your daily consciousness. Stay away from anything that involves them. Also, no worthy woman would have an affair with a married man. So of course she is a lesser woman than you. You are the wife. She can’t compete. Go live your life. Move forward as if there is no going back. Because there is no going back…
That isn’t to say there is no hope. There is no hope for MR 1.0. He destroyed that. But someday, if he comes to his senses, you both can work on MR 2.0. It does happen. But do you want to sit by and wait years to see if it will happen? Some people never exit a MLC. You can still stand for your marriage but move forward with your own life. Do that. Do what will bring you joy regardless of if he comes back. Do it for you. Do it in case he never comes back.
If you haven’t found Hearts Blessings MLC website, you may want to google it. She has passed on and I’m not sure how long the site will be up, but there is a lot of content there that might help you understand what is happening. It helped me.
I am currently feeling many ups and downs. My struggles started about 2 years before BD, and I’m about a year and half after. My feelings ebb and flow. I was listening to a podcast today and it discussed how everything in life ebbs and flows. The tides, renewal of seasons, waves, growth cycles. Everything. This time is also a season. It will run its course and you will enter a new season a different person. I know it hurts like hellll, and it’s suckkkkks. But it will ebb and flow. There will be change. Sometimes you will have to surrender and just let the tide take you, but when you feel the strength, swim. Swim for your life and your future. Your H is a sinking ship. He destroyed your life together. But you still have your own life and your future to make your own.
Also, it helped me to see my H as Orig-H (the man I fell in love with) and MLC-H (the man he is today). I couldn’t reconcile them being the same person. So, I can grieve Orig-H while still dealing with MLC-H.
(((Stella))) Hang in there.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I remember early on my H telling me that he was “broken”. He had a number of breakdowns. I remember he almost came back a couple of times. The last time, he said he couldn’t stay and he wasn’t coming back. Seven hours later he texted me to say I was right and that he hadn’t tried to fix things between us. Started texting me ideas about things we could do together to work on our relationship. The next day, we met for coffee and he told me he was going to take a few days to pack up his stuff (he had secretly moved to OW’s) and then come home. A few days passed…no H. A couple more days and I got the “I can’t” speech again. I remember saying that I didn’t want him coming back unless he really wanted to. This turned into “she kicked me out”. My H was going to an IC the whole time this was going on. I convinced myself that the IC would help him find his way back to me and to our family however, I’m pretty sure they just reinforced his thinking at the time and made it easier for him to leave. People don’t value marriage and commitment the way they used to. Your own personal happiness trumps everything and if you aren’t happy, it can’t be anything about you…it must be that you are with the wrong person. Love is a choice and one that you have to make every day. My H stopped making that choice years before BD. There was no going back.
I so know where you are at right now Stella. I remember how completely crazy it seemed that he could just replace me the way he did and so quickly. I had barely registered what happened and he was engaged…before the ink had even dried on our separation agreement and before he even admitted she was more than “just a roommate”. He held onto that lie for months!!!
One word about your friends and their level of acceptance of his behaviour. Like DnJ said, anyone who doesn’t get on board will be cut out of his life. Sadly, however, most will just go along with it and not say anything to him. They may have some negative thoughts about it but he will never hear them. Most people don’t want to rock the boat. Don’t take that personally. Most people just see it as none of their business. Your H will also start surrounding himself with new friends who don’t know you as a couple. My H as a few friends that have been lifelong and the rest have been replaced with her friends and colleagues who he only met a year before our split. I have never heard from his dad (they weren’t close anyway and he is a cheater as well) and I have a good relationship with his mom. She also gets along well with OW and I choose not to take that personally. He is her only son and OW is good to him and good to her grandchildren so she accepted status quo long ago. I can’t blame her for that.
In a way, I envy you that you don’t have any children with him. When you have kids, it is hard to fully separate from your XH and NC is difficult to do. I have unfortunately had a front row seat to much of his activities and my kids tell me things I’d rather not know… not on purpose, just in the innocent way kids do. I don’t try to stop them. I don’t want them to ever feel like they have to filter what they say or protect me. It’s my job to protect them. It’s amazing how many people want to tell you what’s going on. His mom actually cornered me a few months ago to tell me about their wedding (last August). Seriously…why she thought I would want to hear about it is beyond me. Luckily I am past caring but she didn’t know that. Bizarre.
I know it doesn’t feel like it Stella but you are doing really well. This is the hardest part of the process. You are grieving the death of your marriage and that is no small thing. Grief has definite stages and there are no short cuts. Just keep posting and moving forward one tiny step at a time. In a year, you will look back and be amazed at how far you’ve come. (((HUGS)))
It hurts to be replaced. It hurts to be cast aside, like your life together didn't matter enough to fight for it. It's hard to believe the person you trusted most in the world could betray so completely.
All you have to do today is breathe. Inhale, exhale, breathe. That's it.
When friends told me that was all that was required of me, it was such a relief. I could stop focusing elsewhere and just focus on my breathing. In ... out ... in .... out. You will be ok. Just breathe Stella. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Good Morning all, Thank you for reaching out to me in this darkness that feels so consuming. The battle inside of me is raging, like I am fighting with myself. I need to do a better job at NC, to start...this is holding me back and hurting me the most. I know I need to put some distance between H & I. For myself and for him. This week he went from being concerned for me and polite for most of the week. Then Friday and the weekend hits, and its party time, so full MLC H. Just the change in him this week shows the total wreck he is. He is definatly reliving his 20s when that is all his life revolved around. I need to jumb off the rollercoaster, its driving me crazy.
I want to hold on to my core belief that H will someday come back. I feel it in my gut that he will, someday, when he is ready. At least now, thats what has been driving me. Maybe thats why I am having such a hard time letting go, I feel this in my gut, how wrong ths is, how destroyed he will be if he ever has to deal with how much he has hurt me, hurt us. I know how much he loved me before this breakdown, whenever it started. I don't see how he can ignore the love and life we had together for the rest of his live. It may be buried right now, but I don't think any amount of running will ever extinguish it, at least I hope. I don't want him back they way he is now, and I don't know how I will feel as time goes on. But I know that I will always have love for him in my heart. I know he still feels love for me, but he is on his own path and I need to let him go for now.
I know that H & OW's R will not last. They are both clinging onto a time of there lives when all they had to do was work, party, repeat. Whatever is between them will not last, they are both broken and lost, that much I know. There is no foundation, no history to be proud of, no love story. There R is not a R that either one of them can be proud of, they have hurt alot of people in both of there lifes to live in this fantasy. Someday that bill will come due. Right now they have to look at each other everyday, at some point I would like to think, that they see in each other the destruction and pain they have caused. That the fairy dust wears off, and they both see WTF they are doing. As our D moves forward, H will be faced with all of the finacial hits. Ow and her H are pretty much a even split. My H will be hit the hardest, not that I want him back for that reason. But I would imagine this will, could, cause him to maybe have some resentment towards OW for what it will cost him finacially and them maybe emotionally.
So I start today, I will go dark, NC. I will continue to reach out to all of you for the strength and direction, I so despertly need right now. I will stand for my M, for now, from a distance. My heart is too damaged right now, and the pain is too strong for me to give up hope. So for today, I will hope that someday this will work itself out. I wll hope for a awakening for myself, and for H. I will hope to someday have a new M with H. Thats what my gut is telling me and for now I am going with my gut.
They say, everything happens for a reason, you can never see that reason when you are in it. I hope that someday, I know the reason for all of this.
i can only speak for myself Stella. what stopped the tormenting thoughts, even for a brief time, was keeping the focus on today, right now, the moment, minute by minute, second by second if necessary.
we simply don't know what will transpire. that's the sad, but also wonderful, truth. anything else is projection, plain and simple. maybe our spouses do feel remorse. how do they deal with it? does it drive them further away? does it bring them closer? truly, that is THEIR journey, and doesn't help you today. Just for today, focus on breathing, healing and resting. Do something else to occupy your mind. Meditate. there's a site you can google some key words: excel, life, meditations. it's the first thing that will come up. Look for the loving kindness meditation. Try that. If it works for you, do that one at least two or three times a day.
Try sudoku puzzles, or crosswords. Anything to get your monkey mind to stop spinning to what he will or won't do in the future. What their relationship is or is not.
Focus on YOU. What do you need today to feel better physically? Have you had enough rest? Water? What do you need today to nourish your soul? Would that be watching a movie? Listening to music? Painting something? Being in nature?
The more you focus on your needs, in the current moment, the easier this time will be for you.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
We all require a certain level of understanding before we can start to let go. Seeing the wisdom of going dark shows you are gaining rationalization and understanding of the emotional mess and turmoil H is embroiled within.
Being dark, going no contact, is for you. This is not some tool, or quick fix to wake H up. This is for you to maintain your emotional and mental health. For you to detach from H. Let go or be dragged.
Detachment gives you your emotions back. You detach from H; his behaviour and words will no longer uncontrollably drag your emotions around. You will still feel, just not uncontrollably. This is a great step in healing. You regain your influence over your emotions and feelings.
Indifference is the next big step after that. Indifference is an absence of feelings towards H and his behaviour. This will be a strange landscape to you. To be numb towards one you “loved” so much. That emotional void is normal and healthy, (and temporary) and a little ways off right now. Just giving you a road map of sorts. I always found it helpful to keep my bearings and headings properly aligned; it lessening the amount of meandering one does in the boggy quagmire. I also like to know the reason for the step I am currently working on. As in, detachment leads to indifference.
For today, yes, go no contact and move forwards towards detachment. Success in this endeavour lay in focusing on you, not H. NC, focus on you, GAL, all working together.
You are upon two paths, emotional and business. Interestingly, dealing with the business side fosters detachment as well. Be clear and logical on the business path. Once done whatever is needed, you can cry after. That’s a strategy I employed which worked well.
You mentioned filing for divorce in January. You have transferred half of the monies to your own account. And you have a court date for the end of March. Is there a draft settlement yet? Do you own your house, mortgage, rent? What are the plans for the house? Selling, keeping?
I’m interested and would like to be able to provide specific advice tailored to your situation. For example, there would be not much value you and I talking about your lovely backyard if you plan on selling it.
How about you? Work, retired? Hobbies? Reading, movies, jogging, knitting, what are you passionate about? What do you enjoy? I know you are starting at the animal shelter next Saturday, which is awesome by the way.
Hope your surgery pain is quelled and you have a peaceful Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
