Good Morning all, Thank you for reaching out to me in this darkness that feels so consuming. The battle inside of me is raging, like I am fighting with myself. I need to do a better job at NC, to start...this is holding me back and hurting me the most. I know I need to put some distance between H & I. For myself and for him. This week he went from being concerned for me and polite for most of the week. Then Friday and the weekend hits, and its party time, so full MLC H. Just the change in him this week shows the total wreck he is. He is definatly reliving his 20s when that is all his life revolved around. I need to jumb off the rollercoaster, its driving me crazy.
I want to hold on to my core belief that H will someday come back. I feel it in my gut that he will, someday, when he is ready. At least now, thats what has been driving me. Maybe thats why I am having such a hard time letting go, I feel this in my gut, how wrong ths is, how destroyed he will be if he ever has to deal with how much he has hurt me, hurt us. I know how much he loved me before this breakdown, whenever it started. I don't see how he can ignore the love and life we had together for the rest of his live. It may be buried right now, but I don't think any amount of running will ever extinguish it, at least I hope. I don't want him back they way he is now, and I don't know how I will feel as time goes on. But I know that I will always have love for him in my heart. I know he still feels love for me, but he is on his own path and I need to let him go for now.
I know that H & OW's R will not last. They are both clinging onto a time of there lives when all they had to do was work, party, repeat. Whatever is between them will not last, they are both broken and lost, that much I know. There is no foundation, no history to be proud of, no love story. There R is not a R that either one of them can be proud of, they have hurt alot of people in both of there lifes to live in this fantasy. Someday that bill will come due. Right now they have to look at each other everyday, at some point I would like to think, that they see in each other the destruction and pain they have caused. That the fairy dust wears off, and they both see WTF they are doing. As our D moves forward, H will be faced with all of the finacial hits. Ow and her H are pretty much a even split. My H will be hit the hardest, not that I want him back for that reason. But I would imagine this will, could, cause him to maybe have some resentment towards OW for what it will cost him finacially and them maybe emotionally.
So I start today, I will go dark, NC. I will continue to reach out to all of you for the strength and direction, I so despertly need right now. I will stand for my M, for now, from a distance. My heart is too damaged right now, and the pain is too strong for me to give up hope. So for today, I will hope that someday this will work itself out. I wll hope for a awakening for myself, and for H. I will hope to someday have a new M with H. Thats what my gut is telling me and for now I am going with my gut.
They say, everything happens for a reason, you can never see that reason when you are in it. I hope that someday, I know the reason for all of this.
