I remember early on my H telling me that he was “broken”. He had a number of breakdowns. I remember he almost came back a couple of times. The last time, he said he couldn’t stay and he wasn’t coming back. Seven hours later he texted me to say I was right and that he hadn’t tried to fix things between us. Started texting me ideas about things we could do together to work on our relationship. The next day, we met for coffee and he told me he was going to take a few days to pack up his stuff (he had secretly moved to OW’s) and then come home. A few days passed…no H. A couple more days and I got the “I can’t” speech again. I remember saying that I didn’t want him coming back unless he really wanted to. This turned into “she kicked me out”. My H was going to an IC the whole time this was going on. I convinced myself that the IC would help him find his way back to me and to our family however, I’m pretty sure they just reinforced his thinking at the time and made it easier for him to leave. People don’t value marriage and commitment the way they used to. Your own personal happiness trumps everything and if you aren’t happy, it can’t be anything about you…it must be that you are with the wrong person. Love is a choice and one that you have to make every day. My H stopped making that choice years before BD. There was no going back.
I so know where you are at right now Stella. I remember how completely crazy it seemed that he could just replace me the way he did and so quickly. I had barely registered what happened and he was engaged…before the ink had even dried on our separation agreement and before he even admitted she was more than “just a roommate”. He held onto that lie for months!!!
One word about your friends and their level of acceptance of his behaviour. Like DnJ said, anyone who doesn’t get on board will be cut out of his life. Sadly, however, most will just go along with it and not say anything to him. They may have some negative thoughts about it but he will never hear them. Most people don’t want to rock the boat. Don’t take that personally. Most people just see it as none of their business. Your H will also start surrounding himself with new friends who don’t know you as a couple. My H as a few friends that have been lifelong and the rest have been replaced with her friends and colleagues who he only met a year before our split. I have never heard from his dad (they weren’t close anyway and he is a cheater as well) and I have a good relationship with his mom. She also gets along well with OW and I choose not to take that personally. He is her only son and OW is good to him and good to her grandchildren so she accepted status quo long ago. I can’t blame her for that.
In a way, I envy you that you don’t have any children with him. When you have kids, it is hard to fully separate from your XH and NC is difficult to do. I have unfortunately had a front row seat to much of his activities and my kids tell me things I’d rather not know… not on purpose, just in the innocent way kids do. I don’t try to stop them. I don’t want them to ever feel like they have to filter what they say or protect me. It’s my job to protect them. It’s amazing how many people want to tell you what’s going on. His mom actually cornered me a few months ago to tell me about their wedding (last August). Seriously…why she thought I would want to hear about it is beyond me. Luckily I am past caring but she didn’t know that. Bizarre.
I know it doesn’t feel like it Stella but you are doing really well. This is the hardest part of the process. You are grieving the death of your marriage and that is no small thing. Grief has definite stages and there are no short cuts. Just keep posting and moving forward one tiny step at a time. In a year, you will look back and be amazed at how far you’ve come. (((HUGS)))
