Do the MLCers ever stop, in moments like this, and ever think about the life they had? Any moments of clarity? Like a what am I doing, moment?
Absolutely. You’ve witnessed such flip flops, such peaks out of the tunnel, such fleeting moments of clarity from H. However, the pressure and torment to run is enormous.
H is within the infatuation stage of his running. That often includes an affair. However, the infatuation is much more insidious than an affair, and has little to do with the AP. It’s the fantasy of their new wonderful life. They are intoxicated by it. And, they hate it. And they hate themselves. Hence the running. It is much more running from something than to something.
The energies and maintenance to keep up their narrative. New friends, and old friends ok with or unaware of what their doing, are kept around and used - yes used in the ugly sense of the word - used to foster the MLCers’ pixie dust filled reality. Anyone not toting the obligatory affirmation-speak to the narrative is cut from the cast. Anyone who stands in the way, is mowed down.
They are running from an all consuming emotional crisis. Something we thankfully have no first hand knowledge of. My XW confided she thought she was going crazy. During the last months before bomb drop, she destroyed her 24 year child care business, tried another business, cried all day while me and the kids were away at work and school. She hid all this. She could not explain, reconcile, nor face it. And eventually, after blaming and destroying the other parts of her life, her attention turned to me, marriage, and kids. Projecting and blaming the cause of all her immense pain upon us, her loving family. She threw everything away and ran.
And she ran, 1 mile away. She is basically my neighbour to the south.
I have little doubt MLCers, cheaters, and so on, do look back, have moments of clarity, and such. For they are people. Like you said, we all do.
That is something to hold dear amidst this storm. Hurt people, hurt people.
H is hurt and in pain. And he lashed out, and he ran. He is a person, not a monster. He is only behaving in a monster-like way.
Everyone sees the world through their lens. Until H grows and heals, his moments of clarity will be seen and run from, dismissed, ignored, or whatever. From my view and lens anyhow.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The more I get into this, the more I see there is no hope, and I struggle with that.
There is always hope. Although it does get lost once and a while. Probability is a different matter.
The feeling of hopelessness comes with depression and grieving. And like all feelings it does fade and flit.
I do acknowledge you see no hope right now. I understand that. Been there. My friend, have faith, you are just looking in the wrong place for the moment. Perfectly normal and proper. Dig for patience.
Hope comes from within. Not from H or his actions or path. It comes from you, and serves you.
I found some of my hopes did die or end. The hope/wish of restoring my marriage obviously ended with my divorced. Hope is desire yet to be. It lives within the possibilities. My hopes turned to me and my life and choices. And such a wellspring is a wonderful source of strength.
You are doing so well getting into this. In time you will get through this and to the other side, and things will look so very different.
Focus on you. Limit contact with H. Stay the course.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 02/12/2207:08 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ, The way you patiently put this, like your words are the calm in the storm, for me. The pain they are in, that breaks my heart the most. I know he is in pain, he is struggling and lost. Thats what keeps me holding on, when I know I should not. I want to help him to hold him and get past this. I know that I can not do that, I can not help him, no matter how desperatly I want to. I have been reading your thread, you have handled it in a amazingly calm and understanding manner. I need to channel my inner DnJ.
Over the summer after the A came out, H broke down one day, cried and told me he was broken. Seeing him like that crushed me, the man I have always seen as strong, happy and sure in live. I thought maybe, at the time, it was a break through. I was wrong. Looking back on the time before he moved out, I can see all of the internal struggles he was having. Telling me " we are going to be ok, I choose us" then taking it back the next day or hour. I know I tend to focus on the OW too much, blame her too much, especially as more info trickles my way about the lies and deceit of the last 8 months.
